A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a situation that I need some clarification with your help.My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks. Usually this is what we do with my friends: we get together only girls and go first to dinner and then club to dance. It's always lots of fun, as we don't get to get out just girls very often, because everyone is married with kids. We give a birthday girl small presents, really inexpensive, more fun than any monetary value and at dinner and club we pay for ourselves. It works out perfectly, as no one really spends lots of money, and birthday girl doesn't have to worry about final check. we never initially discussed it, for all of us it was just a common sence.This year everyone I invited said that they are in. But because it came to 8 people, and frankly I didn't expect everyone would also wanting to go to dinner first, because usaualy just couple of us go to dinner, and then we meet others later at club, I felt that I need to confirm with everyone personally because I needed to make reservations for such a big group.Also, because there will be so many of us, I desided to get a VIP service for all of us which means bottle service. I was willing to pay half of it which will be probably $250 and the rest I thought girls will split and they will end up paying what they would pay if we just ordered drinks anyway. One girl I invited that actually never went with us to any birthdays. She doesn't know any of my friends, but we know each other for 4 years now, and I think of her as a really sweet person. I invited her last year, but she couldn't make it. When I called her to confirm dinner, she said a phrase that made me puzzled. She said, it's so nice of you to do the birthday dinner for everyone. At first I didn't think that much of this phrase though it kind of sounded a little peculiar to me. It sounded to me that she thinks I m going to pay for everyone. As our conversation progressed, I more more became convinced that she actually truly believes that this is what it is about: me paying for everyone. When I I initially invited her I suggested dinner as option, because my previous years almost half of my friends couldn't come because of small kids. At the end of our conversation I had no doubt that she thinks she is going to party all nite at my expense. She kept repeating that she is so excited about the party and how nice it is of me to throw a party like that. I desided to tell her that it's pay as you go party, thats how my friends and me do it for years, I also explained to her the club situation with me paying half the bill. There was a long silence to the point that I had to ask her if she is still there on phone with me, and then she said, o, ok I didn't know that. That convinced me that she thought i was going to pay for the whole night for everyone. Finally she said that she is looking forward to my party and finished conversation very fast saying that she needs to go. I felt not at ease after this conversation. I started doubting if I even needed to tell her about paying part, or just let this party take its own course and not to worry about this issue. Opinions divided: my husband says that I deffinitely should not mention how we pay for it, but my best friend says that I did the right thing, in case she needs to deside if she can even afford it. Was I wrong to tell her?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Thank u all, now I feel much better. Honey pie. It was not THEM, it was just this girl. It s actually was not an invitation from me, this is what we did for years. I said it to her as an option. I actually said: few girls are getting together for dinner, you are welcome to join us. We go to each others birthdays 6-7 times a year. And this is what we always do: everyone pay for themselves and sometimes we even pay for birthday girl. No one ever assumed that the birthday girl would pay, that's just silly in my eyes. Unless I say it it's on me.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 May 2013):
 Yes, you did the right thing in telling them. Though and this is just my personal opinion, when you invite people out to eat it means you want to pay. However if you let them ALL know ahead of time that you will only be covering $$ then I think that is fair enough, THEY can choose if they still want to eat with you or meet up later.
Another choice is to cook at home or have a cook out/pot luck before going out.
Next time also explain this to them as you invite them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): I agree with your best friend. You did the right thing. Your husband is nuts. What would he do? Mislead her and then when she is already there spring the bill on her and blindside her? That's just plain rude and it will ruin the party at least for her. No, you did the right thing. Although if I were in her shoes I would always first assume that I am expected to pay for myself unless told otherwise by the host. It was rather presumptuous of her so in my opinion she's the one who made this awkward not you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 I don't think you were wrong, in fact , apparently, facts proved you right, because she had actually got a completely wrong idea. The convo might have been a tad tiny little bit embarassing for both- but I guess it would have been more embarassing for her to join the party thinking it was all free , and then finding out she was supposed to shell out her share. Imagine, if she was going to come... leaving at home any cash or credit card, since, hey, it's all paid for. Talk about embarassing.
I think you did well to toubleshoot possible complications, now she knows and can decide if she can afford the expense.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Of course you did the right thing. Too bad the conversation went awkwardly, but it's way better than surprising her with a bill at the end of the night or feeling guilted into spending 8x what you were planning!
Kudos for you for having the courage to clarify the situation during the same phone call! Many of us would have probably got off the phone and would find ourselves in a more awkward situation.
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