A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I met both my best friend and boyfriend on dating websites.I have known both for about a year and a half and my boyfriend and I have been together for a year.My boyfriend is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I love him to bits and even after a year he stills makes me so happy and we get along wonderfully. I see myself marrying him and we are both serious about the relationship.I also have a great relationship with my best friend, we can talk about all sorts and this on occasion has included sex and relationships- although nothing too personal or private about my current boyfriend and he would never try to turn me against my boyfriend or say anything horrible.My best friend and I mostly talk on instant messaging as he lives a few hours from me via train. We meet up approximately once every 6 months.The issue I have is despite being incredible happy and satisfied with my boyfriend I can't help but sometimes think about my best friend. I do not desire a relationship with him as I am so happy in my current one and there are actually elements of my best friend which aren't what I'm looking for, however as we connected through a dating site many things are.I can't help but believe if my boyfriend was not around it is inevitable we would have ended up together. - but he is around! And I know for sure my best friend could never make me as happy as my boyfriend.The problem is when we are together I think in my head like 'Oh he could hold my hand now?' Or when we're sat together I wonder if he will put his arm around me. I think these things would probably cause issues in our friendship and I wouldn't want them to happen incase they disturbed my relationship so why do I almost 'fantasise' about them happening if I know it's not what I really want?My best friend did tell me in the past he has fancied me but then at another occasion he said he no longer does. I'm wondering whether I feel rejected by this so I'm trying to 'win' him back or something. I do know though if he approached me with feelings like this I would still choose my boyfriend.I want to fix this because he will be staying at my house in a couple months and the last thing I want to do is fantasise that he makes a move on me because I couldn't bear hurting my current boyfriend and I don't want to damage my relationship.Please help! Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2014): I hope you will still review and analyze the major points offered by YouWish and I.
Don't be offended because we were very direct about what those "intrusive thoughts" can mean, and can lead to. You can be in denial, but the truth creeps up on you. That's why you wrote a post about it.
These fantasies of yours seem to be quite consistent. Not just a fleeting thought. You wrote a pretty long post for them not to be of any significance. No one is accusing you of cheating; but there is such thing as mental cheating. When you spend a lot of time with someone; and romantic ideas cross your mind. Fleeting though the may be. Then you go into long disclaimers about how much you're into your boyfriend and wouldn't attempt anything. It just came across as though you're trying to convince yourself you really love your boyfriend. My bad!
I still would recommend less personal or intimate conversations, to not set a mood to invite intrusive thoughts. Sooner or later these thoughts become impulses. That's how the human mind works.
I stand by the advice that you shouldn't discuss your problems with your boyfriend with another man.
Especially one who has admitted to having once fancied you.
He may have taken it back, but he didn't hesitate to put it out in the open. It would have been better kept to himself.
He was subtly flattering you to see what kind of feedback he'd get. So careful that you're not sending cross-signals.
You can dismiss the advice or take it into consideration.
Our advice may not always be acceptable to the OP, but many people read our responses who are in similar situations.
It may be of value to other readers. Although our responses are tailored to your personal-issue, it is applicable to anyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't see it as cheating.. It's just thoughts that pop into my head when we're hanging out. Just like how you might have an intrusive thought about throwing your keys off a bridge or something.I don't find him physically attractive and I am aware that our personalities are not really that compatible.Ahh, you have also misunderstood what I meant - I mean if my boyfriend never ever existed, myself and the best friend would have tried to make things work due to our common interests and beliefs but I doubt we would have been right for each other. Even if my boyfriend and I broke up we would not get together as I have experienced with my boyfriend true love and I don't think I could have that with my friend.Am I not owed more credit for the fact I am trying to get rid of these passing thoughts? They are thoughts.. not actions. Plus I'm not emotionally cheating. My boyfriend and I are very close and share everything, there is nothing that I have shared with my friend that I haven't with my boyfriend.My boyfriend is aware that we met on a dating website and became friends from that. He is happy with my friendship and they speak from time to time and are meeting in person soon. He does know that my friend once liked me and was not bothered by this.I spoke with my friend about sex and relationships whilst I was still single, it was when we were getting to know each other and played a part in us figuring out whether we should be together or not.I then spoke to him once or twice more whilst in my relationship and on both occasions my friend has helped support me through things to help with my boyfriend. I do not have any close female friends and given that he knew about my past he was able to really help me.I do think this is more about my liking his attention and trying to regain his affection I guess. It is flattering when somebody likes you. My friend is older than me very wise and I really respect him. I guess I see him more as an older brother figure and since we only rarely meet up maybe it's just that when we're together it'd be nice to be more physically close... Not sexually just as friends like a hug etc.I don't think I need to change my focus. In comparison I barely pay any attention to my friend, we speak once every couple days online whereas I practically live with my boyfriend.Given this extra information can anyone better inform me about how to deal with this issue?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 August 2014):
 You're not going to like hearing this, but if you feel this way about your best friend, then now, every moment you spend with him is an act of disloyalty and emotional infidelity towards your boyfriend.
You don't keep people you have feelings for around if you are in a committed relationship. I don't care how long you've been friends with this other person. A best friend means that your relationship is platonic, meaning there ARE no feelings involved. You wouldn't WANT this best friend to like you as more than a friend. You wouldn't SAY that if you and your boyfriend weren't together, you and your best friend would end up together.
Think about what you are saying! What if you stumbled across a thread on here or another place that your boyfriend wrote about you and another woman? You would feel betrayed and devastated that he is wanting another woman to have feelings for him, and that he is envisioning a relationship with this other woman if you weren't in the picture?
You're cheating on your boyfriend. It hasn't happened physically, but it's happening emotionally. So far you're trying to stay on the line without crossing it, but you've already crossed it in your intentions.
The fact that you met this "best friend" on a dating site and meet with him? Does your boyfriend know about this? Does he know you're inviting another man who has declared his feelings for you into your house?
You're going to destroy your relationships.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2014): You're pretty young and it's easy for the mind and feelings to wonder all over the place. This is where you learn to use self-discipline and learn what commitment really means. You also have to learn to define the difference between your romantic relationship with your boyfriend, and your "platonic" friendship with the other guy. The lines and boundaries are placed to keep them both in the right perspective. The lines should never blur.
First off, you talk too much about intimate things with your friend. This is crossing a boundary of commitment. Talk about sex with a girlfriend is one thing, but with someone of the same-sex is crossing a boundary. That will raise the wrong kind of curiosity; which is what you are now beginning to fee1. When that happens, you step-back and redraw your boundary-lines. Cool-it and set a line of demarcation between the kind of conversations appropriate with a male friend, and things you discuss with your boyfriend.
Then you remain behind those lines. You reinforce your boundaries by thinking about what your boyfriend would do with another female friend that wouldn't sit well with you.
Anything he could do that would upset you, let that be the boundary you will not cross yourself. When you commit, your feelings don't shut-off like a faucet; but you can still regulate where and how they flow. You are also letting your ego get the better of you, and it will make you conceited.
You are really getting into being the center of attention for two guys. So it's time to minimize the attention paid on your friend, and focus that energy on your boyfriend. You're getting greedy.
It's natural. It happens. It's nice having all that attention, but like alcohol you'll start getting drunk when you've had too much. Then you start getting stuff in your head that shouldn't be there.
Let your friend know that you want to focus a little more time and attention on your relationship with your boyfriend, and give the friendship a little break.
Less lengthy-talks and cutback on the messaging. No more talking about sex. That's inappropriate. That's what your girlfriends are for. If you don't have any, make some.
If you can't do this, that is a bad sign. It means you can't regulate your feelings and you are not truly committed to your boyfriend. Read your post to yourself.
Re-write the post in your head pretending it was written by your boyfriend about a very pretty girl he knows. Then think about how you would feel if you found it.
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