A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've been friends with this guy for almost four years now. He is so attractive and has had a power over me from the moment I met him. But due to complicated situations (both being in relationships, college, he joined the army, etc) we have never pursued a relationship. But he's always been there for me and he always defends me and is protective over who I date and what I do. When he is gone I miss him like crazy and my heart almost stops whenever he calls. Anyways, last September I went to see him where he was stationed. We spent 3 days together just catching up and having an amazing time. But on the fourth night, before I was fixing to head back home, we ended up sleeping together. It was amazing, but it left me confused because not much was said the next day. We continued to talk over the phone for the next month, both trying to keep things casual until he came home on leave for Thanksgiving. When he did we had another amazing weekend together. So basically for the past few months we have been having an intimate relationship, without being in a relationship. Anyways, I guess I just don't know if he is interested in being with me or if he is just enjoying the benefits. He is currently stationed in Iraq and I know he misses me terribly because whenever he gets a chance to make a phone call he always calls and tells me how much he can't wait to see me. But I also know that in the past he has been kind of a player and commitments isn't really his thing. I am worried that when he gets home he will have a million other girls to see (I know that those girls that he still calls friends, don't see him that way) and I will be just another one of them. I feel wrong bringing any of this up to him while he is half way across the world and has so many other things on his mind, but its really bothering me. Is it wrong if I date other people in the mean time? I know that he doesn't want me to, but he doesn't ask me not to either. Plus I don't want to give him the idea that I'm not here waiting on him, when he is truly all I think about. I have fallen for this guy so hard and I would give anything to be in a committed relationship with him, but I want him to want the same things and it is so difficult to ask him and tell him how I feel when all I get is a rare 20 minute phone call and a few emails. Should I just stick out the deployment and then confront him? Or should I just wait and hope for the best?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Thanks for the adviceHe won't be finished with the deployment until February of next year. But he does get a midtour leave in July, which means he will be home for a week or two then. He has made it clear that I am the first person he wants to see when he gets home, but he also has a bunch of other people he wants to see as well, a few being some of his ex girlfriends, who he claims are just friends (but I was just a friend and look how that turned out) I guess I am unsure how he really feels about them. I think mostly I'm afraid of coming on to strong with him and pushing him away. Is it possible that he just doesn't want a commitment because he is afraid I would cheat on him while he is away? These are all questions that I wish I could ask him, but whenever we do get the opportunity to talk its so difficult to bring it up because we have so many other things to say to each other during the time were given. But in answer to your other question there is another guy that I have been on a few dates with, but I just feel really guilty about it. He is a great guy but everytime I am with him all I can think about is the other one. I can't even allow myself to enjoy being with him because I am just miserable that he is not my "friend". I know it is unfair to him but at least it somewhat helps me keep my mind off of missing my friend while he is away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Sorry to trouble you for more details, but
1) How much longer is his deployment? Are you going to have to wait for a couple of months to a year or is it going to be four? (You'll have to pardon me, but I don't know alot about these things...)
2)Is there someone else you are interested in?
Without knowing these things I can't really say what I would do in your shoes, but the fact that he does make the time to call you from a combat zone and devoted several days of his leave time to alone time with you does seem to indicate that you're important to him. Did he do the same for the other girls you mentioned? If he doesn't have feelings for them, who gives a f*&@ what they want...
That said it's hard to make decisions when the other half of the team is on the other side of the planet and doesn't have unlimited communication time. Even under great circumstances, long distance is tough. Acknowledge these things and don't rush into anything...
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