A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:There is this guy who lives in my building. He has knocked on my door several times with different excuses. Every time I see him in the lobby or at the mailbox, he always initiates conversations. I will be polite and say hi and engage in a little small talk (I am a nice person) and as I walk away, he starts saying something else to keep the conversation going. He seems to want to keep talking to me whenever he runs into me.Today he knocked on my door again and said he had a leak in his AC. He lives directly above me. He was concerned the leak on his balcony (where the AC unit is located) would flood my balcony or trickle downwards. He actually asked if he could come into my apartment to look and see if there was a leak. I told him I was already out on my balcony (I wasn't) and I did not see a leak but would let him know if there are any issues. Since he showed up, there has been no water coming down to my balcony from his balcony upstairs. There was no way I was going to allow him inside my apartment.I feel uncomfortable. He seems a little smitten with me. And I have a boyfriend I love. My boyfriend is out of town but on his way back. I just was creeped out by him today and found it a little forward. IDK but I have been watching shows about serial killers lately and maybe I am being ultra sensitive but isn't it strange for him to ask to come in? I don't even know him. I know he lives in the building and I have made small talk on a few occasions but today was disconcerting. I don't live with my boyfriend but he does stay at my place often and I also have my son. But my son stays at his dad's half the time. It is so strange how this guy always seems to show up when I am alone.This guy has also asked me if I hear him take a shower in the morning. He hinted he has a hot tub in his place. He just asks me too many questions. He also left chocolates and a card at my door when he was doing reno's that were noisy.Maybe I should not have opened the door at all? But you never know if there could be an emergency or someone needs help.Do you think there is a need to be concerned? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2022): He knocked on my door again yesterday!
I have told my boyfriend about it.
WiseOwlE, I will be taking your suggestion. My boyfriend is totally on board with it. Thank you!!! :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2022): Is this a neighbour or a friend? You stop and chat to friends, you do not have to or necessarily want to with neighbours. We had a new neighbour move in next door to us a year or so ago. She drinks a lot, shouts, is loud, swears, rough, all the opposite of us. We did not want to mix with her so we just say hi how are you or yes or no if we pass near the doorways. She is a dog lover the same as us. She found out we have dogs and tried to invite herself in every five minutes, to play with them, if we had let her she would have been in and out a lot, disturbing us when we are working, eating, in the bath or whatever, and using it as an excuse to talk to us for ages if she fancied it, so we politely pointed out to her that we prefer not to be disturbed as we are so busy. She did not like it but reluctantly accepted it. If she starts to get pushy and demanding, which she often does, trying to go on and on about something (she seems to want to chat for hours when she has no visitors expecting us to fill the gaps in her social calendar) I say sorry Leslie, I can hear my phone ringing must go and answer it. Or sorry Leslie, must get back to the office, got a pile of work to do, or some other excuse, because it suits nicer than you are boring and wasting my time. If you make the mistake of being overly polite and bending over backwards not to say something negative or unfriendly to someone they like to think it means you like them and their mind races on with other dreams and fantasies which they then blame you for if they go wrong.
I've often had guys try it on with me and get very pushy with me - I tell them straight they are not my type, and I tell them why, it might be "I don't date unemployed guys" It might be " you are far too old"or whatever, why beat about the bush and paint a fantasy for them instead? I owe them nothing. There was one guy who got it into his head I would sleep with him (not date him, he did not respect me enough for that). He kept pushing notes through my door demanding this! No good saying call the police, it is not a criminal matter. I got my boyfriend to sort him out.
My boyfriend at the time was a boxer, very big and tall
and angry. It worked a treat. As the guy had insulted me by demanding sex off of me I did not see any reason to worry about hurting his feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2022): From now on, when he knocks, do not open the door; answer him through the door. This sends the message you do not trust him, and you are not even remotely interested in conversation. Keep phone in-hand, you may call 911 if necessary. If you cross paths, you can be polite; but give one-word responses, just as you would to any guy hitting on you when you're not the least bit interested. Don't make eye-contact. He'll get the message.
You don't have to be friendly, just cordial. Some men take a greeting as an opening, cut the conversation off at "hello" or "good morning!" You have to make a point you're not interested in chatting with him. He knows you're a nice person, and he's taking advantage of it; while trying to use the fact you're neighbors as an excuse to approach you.
You should ask your boyfriend to knock (not bang) on your neighbor's door, and tell him you're fine; but you feel somewhat uncomfortable when he randomly knocks at your door. If he should have any problems, maybe he should take them to the building super or the landlord. There's no big problem, but she'd feel a lot better if he'd just go his way, and she'll go hers. This is necessary, because he is persistent. He will apologize, and all need be said is a simple "thank you;" with no further verbal-exchange.
Don't be overly dramatic, make sure your boyfriend stays cool; don't seem distressed or overly scared. Remember, you still have to live there. Make sure he doesn't intimidate or threaten the guy; he hasn't done anything, he's subtly hitting on you. He's making overtures to let you know he's interested, as any single-guy would. Only he happens to live in the same building, which makes things more "complicated."
Trying to make his way into your apartment is warning signal that it's time to tell him to get lost. Once he knows there's a man in your life who is aware of his actions; I'm pretty sure he'll back-off.
I repeat, make sure your boyfriend does not threaten or intimidate the guy. He's weird, and makes you uncomfortable; that is not a crime. You pass creeps on the street everyday. Some work near you, and you can't throw a rock any direction without hitting one. You're not being "un-nice" or rude when you deflect unwanted passes. Then they have no excuse or reason to continue trying. It's on the record you've rejected his advances; and there would be no excuse for any misunderstanding.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2022): Stalkers and predators often go for "easy targets"... when I was married I never had such a problem. Then when I became divorced and living alone every other man was trying it on and getting pushy, even guys who were three times my age and married with nothing at all to offer assumed I was ripe for the picking. The thing is that guys like this read things as they want to read them. If you are with a boyfriend who is away they tell themselves you argue a lot or don't get on well and the relationship is on the ropes. If you are with a guy you see all the time they tell themselves you are bored with him and need a change. If you are alone they tell themselves you are panting for sex and they will do you a favour etc. The very old ones who could be your grandfather tell themselves you would benefit from and want experience (even though they have no success with women and less "experience" than a guy a third of their age. They paint the story to fit their situation and fantasy.
It sounds to me as if this guy wants you because you live so near and are on the doorstep, easy to see and get to, not necessarily because you are special, he does not even know you, and I am sure that if you were old and ugly he would not bother. When a guy gets keen on a woman she often thinks he is keen on her, the truth is that nine times out of ten he would go with anyone who is attractive, easy and local.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2022): Personally ,I would not be overly concerned,- he sounds just like one who is trying hard to make friends with you- maybe he is a person with a poor sense of boundaries, maybe he's got a crush on you...anyway,one can never know and if he makes you uncomfortable you are right to be prudent:always better to err on the side of caution. Be more consistent in keeping your distance from this guy,though.If every time you see him you engage,albeit willy nilly,in conversation with him, it's sort of natural for him to think that in time you two could become pals or maybe more. Be more standoffish, just say "good morning " or "good evening" and do not stop for a chat. Say "sorry I got to go " and leave. It's not a matter of "nice " - you owe no conversation nor camaraderie to your neighbours.Once you have politely aknowledged their presence with a greeting or a nod, there is no etiquette which says you must be chummy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): Be very VERY careful.
Some men (women too) think that when they like someone that other person HAS TO like them too. They do what they think are nice things, but what they mostly think is that when they shower you with their attention you should respond the way they want you too.
They interpret everyday normal politeness as something special, important, A SIGN that they are liked. Its' not true, but they believe what they want to believe.
Here's the thing. When they are in that exciting phase, they are maybe crossing some lines but they mostly stay civil. Mostly. (NEVER LET HIM INTO YOUR APPARTMENT!!!). WHen they get confronted with reality, they can get agressive and blame you. It's always your fault. You led them on.....
Basically you cant win! It ould be that one day, after they get tired of not getting what they want, you will not say hi enthusiastically enough, or they will realize that you have a great boyfriend and bam. Their bubble will burst and it will all be your fault.
So... keep your distance. Cool him off little by little. NEVER encourage him. You have a son. You need to protect you both.
I wouldn't go that far and think about his potential serial killer intentions, but, he's acting weird. he's pushing an idea that you two are close. I think that such a person could be a potential (sexual) predator. They always pray on "nice people". That's how Ted Bundy operated. He was handsome and smart but he also counted on women to be nice and polite and help out and not be rude when a guy wants to help them with a potential flooding problem.
NEVER EVER OPEN THE DOOR when you are alone or with your son. PERIOD. Or if you think that someone really needs help, call your neighbors and do something about it TOGETHER. Never EVER alone.
How well do you know other neighbors. Is their anyone who's close by whom you could confide in? What does your bf say? Maybe he should be around more? Look this is not your fault and women shouldn't need the protection of ther fathers/brothers/partners. But this is not a normal world let alone ideal! So do whatever you can to make some distance with him and let him know that you have people, that you ar enot alone.
Also, I know that I am maybe overeacting now, but please without being rude, try to change your energy a bit. Sorry to be this blunt, but make yourself seem "not an easy pray". Predators go for either easy opportunity and/or easy pray. They will attack big and strong women, if they are alone, if it's dark, if no one can hear them... but they prefer women who are physically and/or mentally weaker even if the circumstances are not that favorable.
Make him lose interest slowly. Turn to stone. Don't feed him. He'll find another interest. And please, keep track, write down all the incidents. Tell them to someone. This AC unit story is a big thing in my book. He tried to use an excuse A LIE to enter your appartment. One more thing like that and I would notify someone. Men do not need these lies when they like someone. This IS NOT ROMANTIC. Its is predatory.
If you like to read about this stuff there's a great book called Dangerous Personalities by Joe Navarro.
I wish you all the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): He might be weird. He might be mentally ill. He might be very lonely and getting any chance he can to chat to someone. None of this is your problem though. Just say hi and walk off, don't chat when you do not need to. It gives him encouragement and the idea that you are keen too.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (16 May 2022):
 "maybe I am being ultra sensitive but isn't it strange for him to ask to come in?"
Yeah, that is weird.
"There was no way I was going to allow him inside my apartment."
GOOD. Don't. EVER. Do. THAT.
My advice STOP talking to him. If you want to be polite just say hi or nod if he talks to you and get away from him. YOU DO NOT owe him small talk or even a greeting.
"He also left chocolates and a card at my door when he was doing reno's that were noisy."
DO not accept gifts from this guy. You don OWE him that either.
The guy has already figured out that you are polite and nice, so he will KEEP taking that as interest. He might not even know that his behavior is kind of suss. So if you keep TALKING to him, he will keep chasing you.
"Maybe I should not have opened the door at all?"
Probably the safest bet. To be honest. If someone needs help there are other units they can knock on. Or they can call for help.
I'm not saying he is a serial killer but he is being a bit over the top.
If he was worried about his AC unit and water HE should have contacted the landlord or the management of the building. If you own your unit or rent, then tell him to contact the maintenance department if you have one.
Get an extra security bar for your door. If you can afford it get a Ring doorbell or other form of security.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2022): Most likely he is just a bit socially awkward and doesn't understand where the boundaries lie or how uncomfortable he is making you. But you are right to be cautious. Don't invite him inside. Do you have a keyhole or chain you can look through to check who is on the other side of your door without fully opening it? just try and keep out of his way where you can and be polite but to the point when you can't.
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