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Unrequited love for a sometimes FWB and I'm feeling second best

Tagged as: Friends with Benefits, Gay relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 February 2018) 3 Answers - (Newest, 22 February 2018)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, *MC writes:

I’ve been seeing this guy for just over nine months. When we first met I fell in love with him, and at first it was reciprocated. I am still in love with him, however his feelings have changed and we have moved to more of a situation where we are close friends, with occasional benefits.

We see each other every week, sometimes two or three times a week and do have a lot in common. However, he also sees someone else, who as far as I understand he has stronger feelings for, but they live a two hour drive away and due to this they don’t see each other often.

He’s admitted before if they lived closer, they’d probably be in a relationship, and when they do see each other it causes tensions, as the other guy doesn’t want him to see me at all, and my guy lies about his contact with me.

I often feel like a poor substitute who just fills the time because I live closer and know that I’ll never get what I actually want, which is a proper relationship. Should I just except my lot and accept the friendship we have – or am I just prolonging the inevitable, in that eventually I might be left heartbroken if he decides to make things more formal with the other guy and I am left surplus to requirements? Would it be better to cut my losses now and move on?

View related questions: fell in love, heartbroken, move on

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (22 February 2018):

You understand your status as a substitute who wouldn't be in his life if the other fellow lived nearby. That's a good start.

All indications are that this will end badly. The longer you stay in this relationship the more you'll be devastated when you break up, which will probably be based on his initiative and timing. Wrapping it up now will cause less pain and leave you with some self-respect.

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A male reader, liddel United States +, writes (21 February 2018):

I dated a girl for two years that I never had any serious feelings for. She was a great person and awesome in bed but the chemistry just wasn't right.

Eventually, I walked away because otherwise, she would be there for whatever crumbs I spared.

It might never get any better and your time would be better spent pursuing a better relationship. It's difficult to find someone else when you're spending all your spare time having sex and pining over another.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 February 2018):

Honeypie agony auntYou are a poor substitute OP,

Most FWB's are uneven from the start and as soon as ONE of them develop feelings it's even more uneven.

I think he likes you as a person, but he never felt as strongly about you, as you do about him. Why do I say that? Because he wouldn't have been looking for guy #2 and started something with #2 if his feelings for you were that strong. After all YOU haven't found someone on the side, have you?

So in this case, I'd wish him well and WALK away. I'd cut all contact and move on. WHY not be with someone who ACTUALLY WANTS to be with you? Not just use you as some booby prize or casual entertainment.

This guy isn't all that great either. He lies about being in contact with you and he has ALREADY told you he is MORE into someone else.

SPARE yourself more drama and heartache and walk away with your dignity and self-respect.

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