A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My male friend and I have known each other for about 17 years and have been co-workers for the last five years. About 3 years ago his wife cheated on him and eventually left him. They have been divorced for about 2 years now. I saw the hell he went through when she left. I am also married but not happily and have not been for a while. For the past year or so I started having feeligs for him. I did not start acting on these feelings until about 5 months ago dropping hints off and on. It took him about 3 1/2 months to finally realize that I was interested in him. We started sleeping together abt 2 months ago. I do know that there was someone that he wants to get to know but she lives 3 hours away. He has only been out with her twice and he said he didn't know if she wanted to go out again or if so, when it would be. I finally broke down Monday and told him that I had fallen in love with him (that happened before we started sleeping together. I said that I would leave my husband if he wanted me too. He doesn't want me to do that because I have a 13 year old daughter. He said that he has his guard up with me as far as his feelings are concerned. He was really hurt by his ex. He does have feelings for me and he wants to take our relationship slow. I just want him to let his guard down with me. He also would like to see where this other relationship may or may not go. I asked him to please take that slow also and he said he was and right now it was just getting to know her. There is no sleeping with her. He will let me know if and when it may happen because we will stop sleeping together. I do know that he would never relocate from our county. My questions:Do long distance relationships work? (This is at a getting to know you phase, plus gas prices are high)I just don't want that relationship to work with him.How can I get him to let his guard down? He said he knows that just because it happened before did not mean that it would happen again. I do love him and I want him to love me.
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female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 Hmmmm how many people who cheat out there think they have "good" reason?? I refuse to accept that there is EVER good reason. There are motivating factors sure, but you have choices, everyone does. Not everyone who feels unhappy or unloved, or who has children but isn't connected to their spouse, or who is in a rut, or who feels a thrill from some attention etc CHOOSES to cheat....there are always other options.
You're obviously kidding yourself on so many levels you can't see the forest for the trees. You have gotten some harsh responses on here - but honey, you need a reality check. This whole situation is a mess - you are obviously searching for something in your life and unfortunately are going about things in a way that is just going to cause you more pain and heartache long term. Maybe on some level you know this - and knew you'd get the answers you have on here? Noone is trying to be nasty - just realistic. The chances of a "relationship" working with this guy, after what it has involved so far are slim to none...there are VERY FEW relatiosnhips that begin as affairs that turn out well...you begin with negativity and that's what you'll get if you ask me. You need to move on - from your marriage, from this 'boyfriend' and find YOURSELF again my friend. Only when you do that will some happiness come your way!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis guard is up with anyone he has dated, also. Not just with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne thing that I did forget to mention is that his first wife was married when they got together. She left her husband for him. We have discussed being together and it is a real possibilty. He is concerned about my daughter because of her age. He has also said that he WILL let his guard down and we will take it slow. We have known each other for a very long time and if sex was all that was in our relationship and no other feelings at all, we would have gotten together for that several years ago. Yes, I am cheating on my husband but you do not what the reasons why are which are very personal. He does.....
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (19 July 2008):
Look - you are probably not going to like this answer my friend...but I need to point something out...it seems obvious, but I suspect you may not be "seeing it"...
This guy you are having an affair with...you saw him go trhough hell when his wife left? Hell because his wife CHEATED on him and broke his heart? Hell because his whole world collapsed and everything he believed about it and about people was forever changed!
Now - YOU are CHEATING on your husband with him...yeah, he's your willing partner but on some level - what kind of woman does he think you are? The same as his cheating wife?? Any wonder his guard is up - there is absolutely no way he could ever feel real trust with you...that's the reality! He's right not to if you ask me - look at what you're doing...there really are no good "reasons", cheating is cheating.
And while I am on my soapbox...if he doesn't 'commit' you stay with your husband???...how pathetic ! If you know you don;t want to be with your husband and are just waiting for the right opportunity or using him for 'security' then you need to leave - regardless of what your 'boyfriend' decides. You are hurting everyone, including your daughter if you don;t....this will all come out eventually.
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