A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Imagine the situation. You're a man in your late 40s, you left a pretty grim, loveless marriage a couple of years ago and are now living on your own. You like the feeling of freedom, but are sexually frustrated - you think to yourself "All I need is regular sex, and then I will be happy". So you find a woman of a similar age facing a similar situation, and you start a friends with benefits relationship. You're getting regular sex and pleasant companionship, but then it strikes you that it's not enough because there's not even a spark of emotion in the relationship, and it's purely mechanical. It feels like meeting a friend once a week to play squash. You get all hot and sweaty, you enjoy the exercise, and when you've finished, you arrange the date for the next game and go your separate ways.This is the situation I am in. Friends have told me I should end the relationship in order to find love, but I simply cannot imagine feeling that strongly about anyone at my age, and I keep thinking that this is as good as it's going to get.I would appreciate the male perspective on this matter in particular. Uncles, do you find that after a certain age you find it impossible to engage with anyone new emotionally? Did you feel like that but then fell in love? I meet women who I find attractive, who I find witty and good company, but it's been decades since I met one who evoked a strong emotion in me.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (7 September 2014):
 Wll, I'm much older than you but I don't think I could devote myself to another again, It's like I gave all that away years ago I got no more to give. So, I supose it's possible to become 'worn out' emotionally but then i see other men recommiting to a great relationship that are my age or older, so it makes me wonder. My advice is not to pressure yourself into anything because it won't work out. try waiting until something happens that changes your present state of mind, then make that call, Main thing though don't give up as long as you're breathing anything is possible. good Luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2014): I became single, after my partner of 28 years passed away. We met as friends when we were only in our teens; and had very separate lives, but always maintained a strong bond. We chose different professions, lived in different states, went to different colleges. We dated different people. That bond never broke; until we fell in-love, moved-in together; and things went on from there. It was wonderful. It had ups and downs, ins and outs. It was real. We learned from each other and taught each other so much. I was in my 40's when my partner passed away.
You may be disgusted by hearing this; but your topic reaches out to all men. Regardless of sexual-orientation.
It's a good question and something lots of people need to know. Not just straight men.
I wouldn't even date for the first year or longer afterward. I was totally celibate. I still felt that I was committed. So my friends began to worry; because I seemed too happy being single. Well, 28 years?!! It was nice to have some independence and make decisions on my own. No arguments or disagreements. Come and go as I chose. I had many friends, lots to do, a good job, and my family.
I come from a large family. There is always a birth, graduation, wedding, birthday, anniversary. Always reasons to celebrate; and all I had to do was get a plane ticket and be there. No muss, no fuss. Then my friends and co-workers started trying to fix me up. Nice people, I just felt numb. Gorgeous women, and very handsome guys.
I just didn't connect. I was asked out all the time, I just never felt any romantic connection in it.
I was so romantically-indifferent, people thought I was just a really nice married-guy, Where were my wife and kids? Always referred to as "a great catch." I am gay. My deceased life-partner was a guy.
I dated women. They knew the score. They became my friends and allies. I became their protectors. Stand-in boyfriend.
I protected them from the world and themselves. I love them to this day; but I didn't feel a thing for anybody but the love of a friend. I felt all my love died with my mate. I just grew closer to my family and friends; and people worried and made a big old fuss about that.
I finally decided to date and actually allow romance and intimacy back into my life. It seemed all I ever met were people really into themselves. They were obsessed with looks, money, appearances, and making impressions. I didn't connect romantically, but they were otherwise really great people. They became friends instead. I always have room for more friends. Yet still, ho-hum. I was numb.
My girlfriends were always nagging me. Trying to fix me up, nudging me every way they could to get me to like people on more than one level. I've sat through hours of their lectures and scoldings. How I was going to grow old alone. I have 8 siblings, dozens of cousins, 30 nieces and nephews; three grand-nephews, and one grand niece. And still counting. I have friends here and around the country.
How was I going to grow old alone?
Well, I ran into this guy. He asked me to have a drink.
We hit it off. He was retired. Made plenty of money in stocks and retired in his 40's. Divorced 17 years with three adult children. The last just graduating college.
He was charming, good looking, and just a great person.
One of my deceased partner's colleagues and I have become really close friends. She noticed a change in me. By this time the guy and I had dated about six weeks. She said I had a glow. I looked like I was falling for someone. I had not even admitted it to myself. I forgot what it felt like.
I thought I was just having a good time. Not like with any other friends. I actually felt attracted, engaged, and connected for the first time. He had asked me if we could see each other exclusively. I just told him I didn't want him to get that attached. I'm getting older, and was too independent and set in my ways. She told me to go for it.
So I did.
We traveled. I had the time of my life. We never argued.
Had a lot in-common. Things got a little weird. I accidentally found out some unsavory and scary dark things about him. I buried it all in denial. Things turned, I got blindsided and he decided to end it. I felt something I had not felt in a long-time. Heartbreak. I thought I was too old and sophisticated; that someone could come along and make me feel a pain in my chest, and shake my very soul.
I guess, I loved him. It lasted only 10 months. He said, I deserved someone better. So again I grieved. Then I got over it.
He dumped me. So what's the moral to my story? He had opened up my heart again. He stretched all the right muscles. I had closed myself off. He made me feel romantic feelings that had been turned off for six years.
I am forever grateful for that; even if I never saw him ever again. I don't care. I'm totally free. It took awhile to heal, but I struggled back to who I am. Happy, but capable of feeling like I didn't think I could anymore.
I'm not jaded, cynical, nor bitter. I have faith. I can take a risk, fail, but still heal and move on to do it again. I know I'm worth it. I don't dwell on failures; I learn from them. I know love is always around me.
Back in the spring. I was at a garden center, and felt someone staring at me. I looked up, there was this guy.
He had tattoos on both arms, muscular like someone who does really heavy lifting. I looked away. Looked up. Still looking. Then he came over with some lame excuse to get my attention. We chatted. He owns a business building retaining walls, laying stone walks, and laying fancy patios. He also builds rock gardens and stone fountains. We've been dating ever since.
I can't say what I feel; but I can say it's really good.
There is a comfort in knowing something can possibly grow from this. That I am capable of feelings I thought age and loss has taken away. They are always there. Just dormant until the right person comes along to awaken them in you.
There is no rush. Allow yourself to continue dating and meeting people. Making friends. Building connections with people, until someone special stands out. There is a mutual attraction. Don't expect to fall in-love. Just allow yourself to feel, and nature takes its course.
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