A
female
age
18-21,
FancyFace
writes:Hi I am 20 years old, I have a 7 month old baby and I live with my boyfriend who is also my baby's father. We live with his mother. The thing about it is, I am not in love with him anymore and I want to move on with my life. The only problem is I am not financially ready to move on my own. And I have to make sure my son is well taken care of. I am working and I want to go back to school. So I don't want to be overwhelmed. I don't know what to say to him without making things extremely awkward since we sleep in the same bed. He is a good friend but not a good boyfriend. Can someone tell me what they think. We are all moving to a house with a basement apartment for me and him to live in..is this my opportunity to tell him i need my space and for him to stay upstairs with his mom. Let me know please
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2008): I think many p/p feel this way just won't allow themselves to face facts b/c they have p/p dependent on them and they care too much about others to find their own personal happiness. You are SO young to feel trapped. You should tell your b/f how you feel and if you cannot reach a solution, you need to understand that not sleeping in the same bed as your b/f does not mean that you are stripping your child of their father. He will always be the father of your and his child, and it is imp't to have both parents active in the upbringing, as long as it's a healthy relationship. Sometimes, when p/p grow apart, the child feels that distance and becomes confused at the roles. You need for your child to see both parents happy for them to have a happy upbringing. Even babies are not oblivious, they feel emotions just can't express yet, your child knows when you're upset and feeling sadness and it will influence their little mind. Thinking about your children doesn't always mean staying in an unhealthy relationship for their sake, sometimes it is better to move on and give your child the opportunity to have a healthy relationship w/mom and dad.
Also, going back to school is a wonderful idea. Esp if you are your bf are just spending too much time together, it's a great way to get your space and put your mind on a separate concentration. I would consider school before a job, as long as you're not hurting for resources. In the long-run, the school is what's going to help you feel more satisfied in your own life and give you that sense you need that you provided yourself for your child, esp if dad's not in the pic. Independence is detrimental to any relationship! Hope this helps you.
A
female
reader, gottascrewlose86  +, writes (26 February 2008):
 Hey girl
You may feel trapped but take some time to rethink your situation.
Why are you feeling unhappy? Most likely you are feeling unhappy cause you are prolly overwhelmed with the fact that you have a little baby to take care of right now. I know you realize that you prolly made a bad decision and you want to improve your life but you first have to think about your baby. Your baby needs a father and just leaving your b/f will make it harder for you and your baby. I encourage you to talk to your b/f and tell him how you feel. Communication is very important in a relationship and communicating my even improve it. Make sure you are very honest and tell him how you are feeling.
I really give props to you for wanting to go back to school and become something of yourself. However I would wait until the baby is a little older and less dependant on you. Maybe when your baby is 2 years old you can go back cause then he/she will not be so dependant and need 24 hour attention. Plus at this age it may be a little easier for somebody to take care.
Do your best and try to be smart about your decision.
xo Jenny
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 February 2008):
 I just thing you need a realistic game plan if you want to go to school. You mentioned about being overwhelmed so I think if you are going to go to school- you need the support of your boyfriend and his family for your child to do this. I don't think you can work full-time, go to school and raise a child full-time!
I know you feel trapped but don't just up and leave until you have a solid plan!
What you presented was your overall situation and some of it didn't make sense, that is why you are getting these responses to your overall situation.
No one does know your full situation, but don't focus on the negatives of what you are hearing. Be smart and work for what's going to be best for you and your child- that means writing your goals down, and with your time constraints, how you will get there. You have this conversation with the boyfriend AFTER YOU DO THIS
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A
female
reader, FancyFace +, writes (25 February 2008):
FancyFace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay i didnt think it was that hard to understand... there will be a basement apartment and three rooms upstairs.. who would make him sleep with his mom.. and this has to do nothing with me being a good mother to my child... i work now,pay for daycare, car payments, rent, clothing, food etc. I asked for relationship advice about how I can approach him regarding my feelings. I dont mind doing my part and provide some financial stability. And for that one lady who is asking me how can i work and go to school and whos gonna watch my child.. well if i stay home all day and do nothing then nothing will ever get done does it look like i want to stay with my boyfriends mom for the rest of my life.. i cant believe you would knock me for trying to make a GOOD future.. AND did i say that I was going to get up and leave him without thinking rationally.. I have been thinking this way about our relationship for 7 months now and I have stuck around, pushed my feelings aside for the sake of my child..so he could have the best life.. no one really knows my situation, so unless you have any advice on how to approach the relationship then dont say anything at all... AND DONT EVER QUESTION MY ABILITIES AS A MOTHER, I MAY BE YOUNG BUT I HAVE STEPPED UP IN A WAY NO OTHER YOUNG MOTHER HAS.
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A
female
reader, jenna34 +, writes (25 February 2008):
You don't get to have space when you have a new family. You say you want to move on and do all these things like you have no responsibilities. You act like you are single and want to work and go to school as if you don't have a baby. You want your boyfriend to sleep in the same room with his mother! I don't think you are facing reality! Everything is about what you want and not a thing about what your baby needs. This may sound harsh but maybe you are not ready to be a mother even though your son is 7 mths old. When I had my baby, I quit work so I could be with him full time and my boyfriend only made 20k a year. I know everyone is different, but the things you are saying don't sound like a mother with a new baby.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2008):
 You should communicate your wants and aspirations to your b/f because you are not single and you share the responsibility of a baby .
It would be fair to him to know what are your wants and whether he can agree with your wishes . You can seek a compromise if he does not agree with you in toto.
All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, shively +, writes (25 February 2008):
hell yes this is the right time to move on. and don't worry about being overwhelmed just find some one to live with until you get enough money for your own house then start saving up for school.
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A
female
reader, Honor  +, writes (25 February 2008):
I think having a child at any age can prove quite stressful but even more so when you are quite young. Perhaps it could be alot of things influencing your emotions or the fact of having to grow up so quickly. Perhaps part of you feels trapped and part of you still longs to be the young person you were before your child came along.But you do have a child now and of course you have to also take his or her state into account. I suggest trying to have a chat with your boyfriend - ask him how he is feeling and what he is going through right now. You do not necessarily have to say to him that you want to leave or that you do not love him. Perhaps just say to him how overwhelmed you are feeling at the moment and having the baby, going back to school etc it worries you and you feel uncertain about what the future holds. You may be surprised even he may be feeling similar things.I think the key here is communication...so try talking to him about those things firstly and see where and how that conversation progresses and develops. It may give you reassurance or make you feel not so alone, or it may re-confirm that you truly do not want to be with him. But I think you need to talk to him and discuss what is happening in both your lives right now before you make any set decisions.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister +, writes (25 February 2008):
Too late now! You don't get to move on with your life until you can support yourself and your child. It's not about you anymore, it's about your child who needs a stable environment and a father. He's not abusing you so too bad if you don't have that "in love" feeling anymore. That does not entitle you to take his son away from him.
That is why you go to college(if that was your goal) and learn to support yourself before you have a child.
You think you are unhappy now? At least in this situation, you have the support that will enable you to go to school at some point and get where you want to be but I don't think that's what this is about. You say he's not a good boyfriend, but a good friend so you should be able to talk to him about this. You have every right to not have sex with him if that makes you uncomfortable and he will have to deal with that but you don't have to drag his family into it, talk about awkward! Are you and the baby going to sleep in the mom's room? That's crazy.
You are already working and now you want to go back to school? Who is going to raise your child?
Only if you can find a way to go to school, not work, and raise your child should you do it.
And don't go run off and meet someone else in an attempt to escape this situation. Boys have gotten you enough trouble! Figure out your goals, how to realistically achieve them, and work towards them because you can do it!
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