A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im 26 my gf is 25. We met 5 years ago, at the 1st year of the Uni. We've been together all the time, we started living together 2 years ago, in the meanwhile we graduated, got jobs etc. She is a great person you know? Very honest, she never lies to anyone, never has any hidden agenda, she is just pure goodHaving said that, let me describe the problem. The thing is , in our relationship, I have always been the "giver" and she has been the "taker". I'd always buy her flowers, cook for her, go to the grocery for her even though I dont need anything for myself. She is often tired after work, so I'd give her a foot massage which she ADORES, or even a full, long whole body massage with the oil and stuff. I'd cuddle her whenever she wants and I'd hug her. I simply do my self to please her, give her my time, attention etc.When we were at the uni she was often stressed about the exams and stuff. I always tried to be there for her, comfort her. I dont think she remembers that now.We only have sex every few weeks. She says it hurts her. I've tried to both do prolonged foreplay to get her wet (and she is, its not a lubrication problem), and I've also tried to do it quick, as I've read some girls just loose steam when it lasts for too long. It hurts her anyhow. I came to conclusion its something related to when we were still students, we had to do it in the dorm house, or in the flat I lived in with other people in other rooms. She was always afraid that someone is gonna walk in on us (even if we were alone in the house and the door locked) or that she will become pregnant due to a snapped condom. She never really chilled out, once she said she's scared to let it go wild. I've read that by these kind of fears women develop a so called Vaginismus , which I'm sure some of you know about. If not, check it out on Wikipedia. Anyhow I think she is having a mild version of that, I can penetrate her, but it hurts her. I can give her orgasms with just my fingers and tongue and I'm trying to do that whenever she seems to need it. But when I talk to her about seeing a doctor she begins crying?She hasnt been abused, she was a virgin when we started out.She wont even see a gynecologist! Which is strange, she is a very independent, educated and self-conscious woman living in a big city, otherwise...She will never give me a massage even when I really need it (after a workout or something) not just for pleasure. When I ask (very rarely, mind you I give her one quite often) she always says that she is tired, or that she will do it in a few days, on a weekend, at some point in the future.. and never remembers.I've quit smoking cigarettes and pot for her, and quit drinking as well. So these being obviously good changes, shows how good an influence she has had on me. But if any of you ever smoked cigs, weed or drank regularly, know how hard it is to stop doing it. I did, so it shows how much I am serious about this.I love oral sex but she will never go down on me. She did once or twice during 5 years. She says she is disgusted by it. Ok, let it be. I'd be satisfied if she gave me a tit job, or even a damn hand job, you know? It's just that she doesnt think about those things at all. It never crosses her mind to start doing something I like. I dont like asking for it, but sometimes I do, because I realized she just dont have this "hmm what could I do to please him today" thing. She just hasn't got it?Thing is when she says she doesnt like blowjob, she should have thought about alternative ways to please me, but she just dont give a heck about it, it seems.When I ask her to do something pleasant to me, she's always upset that I do. So then I dont, and honestly she doesnt give back 10% of what I do for her.When I try to talk about it she says it all just to get laid. But we only have sex once every two months? Usually ending in me not having orgasm and her weeping and me hugging and comforting her. And I dont get any other favours either. I could have left and surely get a lot of sex with another girl who would be more appreciating but I LOVE HER. I dont do it for sex, if I did I would have LEFT by now. I do all those things because I fing pleasure in comforing her. She obviously doesnt.My question is what can I do to make her start thinking about my needs.Seriously, I am often tense and irritated. Because I am a handsome, intelligent 26 year old man with no sex life. I'm stressed. And the only person that should be concerned with how I feel dont think about it.Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): If you have tried talking to her and she gets mad or upset when you try to talk to her about it or sad or what not, you have to stop being the one to do every single thing. Trust me, Ive been doing that for so long, and now its like okay, of course i love doing things for you and of course i will always but alot of the things you like im putin on the back burner for you because we are supposed to see eye to eye... She should be comfortable with you and not offended or hurt by what you say. Its just you two! Eff anyone else and maybe thats what she needs to know. Stop being so sensitive to her needs, because you've been doing it for so long, thats what she is expecting. You let it be okay with her to not do things for you or with you or always say that she is tired.. If there is no intimacy, there is no relationship.. How long can one person go being THE EVERYTHING??? Even ask her for just 2 days out of the week just be about you two.. doesnt mean sex 2 times a week, but just to spend time and do what ever you two like... If she cant give you 2 days i dont know what to say... regardless if you live together or not, those are the 2 days to not care about anything but eachother. try it... I insisted it with my love and to this day we have our special days and yes we live together... i even made our special day a bonus for him... i pikd our 2 special days to be on sunday football and monday night football. LOL.. So you see how i threw that in there as a little bonus.. I just wanted to show him i wasnt just thinking of me... When football season is over im thinkin our next 2 days may change to basketball nights... Always try to find something common to do here and there.. you'll notice the intimacy will crossover.. She has to be able to open up.. shes been so closed just give her some reassurance... If that doesnt work, im sorry, but That is what i do and this is from female to male. I hope it works for you.. need anymore advice just let me know, i love it...---Skillz
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): yeah, the "being afraid that someone will come in while we are having sex" derives from back when we were at the uni.
Now we live together in a house, alone.
For almost two years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): ok listen, maybe u need to talk to her about it, not the sex stuff, but the whole not giving as much as shez getting, sine u pamper her and wat not, she may just think thats watever, but talk to her about all the stuff u wanna do, and how it would give her "pleasure" as well, u seem, like a cute couple, maybe if u rent a hotel room 4 a night, then shed feel more secure, cuz if u think about, itd be awkward if some1 walked in on u guys. u 2 seem cute, so dont try to mess everything up 4 this...maybe, if u really want that badly, u could ask her if u can do that stuff with others, but thats like the last thing, if u love her, respect her wishes, and dont give so much, go dancing, or like, other activities that can loosen her up, but you are not her massage therapist, your her boyfriend, and shez ur girlfriend, and if its really been that long, u should make sure the u BOTH start acting like a couple. You know that she loves u because at least she tries every couples of weeks or so, oh yeah, and DO NOT mention the doctor, im sure she just needs to loosen up a bit cuz if shez stressed about ppl finding u guys, then shell be all tense down there, with no chance of u going in, so remember, go somewhere where ppl cant find u
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): ok listen, maybe u need to talk to her about it, not the sex stuff, but the whole not giving as much as shez getting, sine u pamper her and wat not, she may just think thats watever, but talk to her about all the stuff u wanna do, and how it would give her "pleasure" as well, u seem, like a cute couple, maybe if u rent a hotel room 4 a night, then shed feel more secure, cuz if u think about, itd be awkward if some1 walked in on u guys. u 2 seem cute, so dont try to mess everything up 4 this...maybe, if u really want that badly, u could ask her if u can do that stuff with others, but thats like the last thing, if u love her, respect her wishes, and dont give so much, go dancing, or like, other activities that can loosen her up, but you are not her massage therapist, your her boyfriend, and shez ur girlfriend, and if its really been that long, u should make sure the u BOTH start acting like a couple. You know that she loves u because at least she tries every couples of weeks or so, oh yeah, and DO NOT mention the doctor, im sure she just needs to loosen up a bit cuz if shez stressed about ppl finding u guys, then shell be all tense down there, with no chance of u going in, so remember, go somewhere where ppl cant find u
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