A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've hooked up with this guy several times over the past year. At first, I let it mean more to me than it really was, and I ended up getting hurt really bad. We quit seeing each other over the summer. Then he contacted me again last month. We began seeing each other again, and things went back to the way they were. I'm pretty sure he's just using me for sex. We used to just hang out but now, we hang out then it leads to sex. I like the sex, I will be honest. I like how close he feels to me. I love hanging out with him. When I'm with him, he feels like the only person in the world. I put up a wall when I'm with him though. I have to otherwise, I'll fall for him. I seriously can't look him in the eyes when I'm with him. When i do this, he always says, "Why can't I hold your attention?" and he tells me to look at him. Sometimes he just puts his arms around me and holds me tight so I can't move so I won't look around. I do that a lot because if I truly get in the moment, I give into my feelings. He says that I have no idea how I make him feel, that he gets butterflies when I'm around, and when were together he just holds me for the longest time or just sits there and stares at me and tells me I'm beautiful. I'm confused as to how he feels. You would think that all the attention, the way he acts, would be an indicator, but it just confuses me more. Because every time he leaves, he goes back to her. As cheesy as it sounds, our relationship is like the song "Stay" by Sugarland. He always says he doesn't want to leave, but he does anyway. And since we're in the same social circle, I see him with her everywhere. And he acts like we're just friends, but stares at me with those eyes when we talk, or he ignores me altogether. I've been thinking a lot about this. I think I love him. He always says he wishes I were his. He doesn't realize I am his. I've been his for so long now, but he's not mine. He told me that he was waiting for me to be ready, because I used to be pretty wild. I told him that i did settle down a lot, I'm not the same anymore. But I'm still waiting. I know what I have to do. I'm just scared of what will happen when I do it. I need to let this relationship go, and hope it works out for the best. But I've given so much to him, and I've been hurt a lot lately, I'm just scared. I really do like him a lot. Any opinions? Please anything will help, I just really need a outsiders opinion. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYea. Everything you guys say is true. He's taking advantage of me, he's just using me for his pleasure, and playing with me. I guess I just wish that he really did care for me, that after all this time, he actually developed feelings for me. I mean, in the beginning, we were friends first. I actually met him through my ex. They were friends first, but we grew up in the same city, so we connected through that.
I've actually numbed out a lot since we first started all this. Last year, I used to go out a lot and drink a lot with my friends because I was so miserable. Now I'm focusing a lot more on myself and school. Ironically, all the working out and studying makes me more attractive to him. But he's still always at the back of my mind. He really is a good person, just not to me. When we first met, he was really good to me. Now, he just doesn't put any effort into it, or if he does its just nice words, and when he holds me.
I'm just exhausted at this point, and i just wish that all that he says, all that he does, every affection that he gave actually meant something.
A
female
reader, Kat_M_2011 +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Dear Hurt (Take no offense to the title),You say you date on and off, why if he doesn't treat you right do you behave like a saint and take his sorry self back every time? I was in a relationship with this guy once. We had the same problem. I barely knew him before we went out, and we dated a total of six months- on and off for two years at a time. He made me feel special, but then he raped me and it became all about the sex. One night after we did it, he dumps me the next morning and says he has no respect for me anymore and no longer cares for me. It broke my heart. I thought I loved him too. Then he comes crawling back into my life three months later after three months of broken heart. I took him back. The cycle continued until he said things which hurt me, but I kept taking him back cause I felt close to him in an intimate way. I lowered my self respect for this one guy and in turn became emotionally untrusting of any future guy in relationships. Now for you. I think you should let this relationship go. If it's built on sex, it's not built on the right foundation for any person. Yes you have given much to him, but you have more inside of you to keep, and gain. You owe it to yourself to move on to someone who will truly stay there with you and not leave even if he wants to stay. Don't be scared, do what's best for you. Or if you wanna stay with him, tell him what needs to change in the relationship. If he won't change it, then end it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 October 2010):
 Is this guy really that dreamy if he's willing to cheat on his girlfriend? Even if you did get him to be yours, your relationship started with an affair. Eventually your doubts about his fidelity will come to play. If he's cheating on her, he likely would have no qualms about cheating on you either.
Walk away. He knows you like him and he's using that to his advantage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): He's using you for sex and holding you in this position with the things he says about how you're beautiful and you giving him butterflies, etc. You make it clear that you aren't OK with being used for sex, so you need to talk to him. Tell him that either he wants to be with you, or he doesn't, and he better make up his mind and take action, or you will leave and not return. If he tells you he wants to be with you, but goes back to his girlfriend (or whoever "she" is), it doesn't sound like he actually wants to be with you, but rather he's playing a mind-game with you. And even if he does leave his girlfriend for you, what makes you think he won't find another person to cheat with?
I think it'd be best if you just cut ties with this one and found someone who's going to honest with you and devoted to your relationship. It's hard, yes, but consider how you're going to continue to feel in the future if you stay in this situation. Your well-being and happiness always comes first.
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