A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm needing a bit of advice on a situation that's been brewing in my life for the last month or so. Its to do with a woman who is involved with my business which I recently set up. I'm 23, gay and am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend. We have a flat together and our relationship is going really well. But this woman who volunteers for my organisation has started coming on to me quite heavily and will not take no for an answer. I have tried everything and am now at the point where I feel really penned in.I'm sorry this is so long but if someone could just take the time to read it all and help me I'd be grateful. When I started my business I looked for volunteers. One of which was this woman who we will call Laura. She is am ambassador for a massive organisation who support my business, so she came on board as a volunteer with us cement the relationship between us and them better.At first it was great. She's very ambitious and did some fantastic stuff, of which we were really grateful. As I spent more time with her (always in work, never outside of work, I feel I have to add) it became apparent she had personal issues in her life. She recently moved house and didn't know anyone in the area. She told me she liked writing, as do I, so when I saw a writing event advertised in her area I sent it in an email suggesting maybe she go along and meet some local people. That was all. No suggestion I'd go with her or anything.Since then, things have progressively got more and more out of hand. She has begun emailing me constantly, texting, sending me instant messages. It is pretty smothering. At first I played it cool and reminded her it was outside work hours and asked her to respect that for me as I like to be able to have weekends and evenings for my partner and friends. She is well aware I have a gf. I have mentioned her a lot.I thought that would subdue her but it only made it worse. Its not just work related issues she emails me on, its everything. She constantly asks personal questions and makes comments which although are not sexual in nature, are awkward and loaded. She compliments me constantly. I don't mean little throw away comments like "that's a pretty dress", I mean more heavy stuff about my life, my personality, my business. Its very OTT.I started to feel working with her was becoming an issue as it was as if she was only volunteering for the orgnisation as it seemed she was becoming obsessed with me. That sounds big headed, but I don't mean it to.Last week, she continued emailing and contacting me, even though I said to her on the monday I was ok, didn't need any voluntary work at the moment. If anything, she got worse. About midweek, I sent a curt email to her saying I was very busy, appreciated her voluntary work previous, and would keep her in mind for the future but currently was ok. Thanked her for her support and for her work. She went quiet for a day then sent me a massively long email saying she had feelings for me.It was beyond inappropriate. I'm the director of the company. I replied with a short email saying I was flattered but in a long term relationship and absoloutely was not entertaining ideas of being with anyone else. I also reinforced we did not need anymore voluntary work. And reminded her as that it was now friday evening, and I was out of the office and wouldn't be back until monday.Then this morning I woke up to several emails from her. They were to the tune of "I have to insist you keep me involved as I have reccomended your services to several companies and thus my reputation is on the line." I am utterly blown away. My marketing director (the person I work most closely with in the entire organisation) was away on holiday last week so I hadn't been able to tell about all this until I saw her today. I showed her the emails and she's as annoyed as I am.I have never given this woman any ideas that I may be interested. I constantly asked her to respect my privacy and personal life and on a daily basis made comments that suggested the happiness between my partner and I. All I did was forward her an email on a writing group. I was being nice. I am deliriously happy with my girlfriend. I'm even considering proposing. but this woman is invading my life, space, inbox, everything!In amongst the emails she made references to articles I had written for a uni newspaper. That's serious digging on google! She is obsessed and now its as if she is refusing to back away.I am at a loss. My marketer is angry not only because of how unprofressional she is being, but because she is concerned by this womans behaviour. Its as if when she finally realised I am not interested, she's got spiteful. We're concerned by the repurcussions of her behaviour.I'm also seething from a business point of view that a volunteer, everything else aside, has told me they "insist" on being involved in my business. I'm the director. I founded this organisation and have built it up from nothing. I am not having someone who doesn't know all the finer workings of the company, wade in and try to push me around loike this for what seems like simply because I didn't return her feelings. I'm also concerned what this does to the relationship between my company and the company this woman is ambassador for. It would be unprofessional to contact them and tell them what's happened, but I feel I want to prewarn them what type of person is representing them and also to set the story strasight before this manipulative woman gets there first.Who on earth do you go to when something like this happens at work and ur the boss? I can't go to my boss. I don't have one because I'm the boss.I reckon I'm pretty business savvy but this has thrown me. Help and advice? My gf knows the full things as I've told her about it all along and she too is angry. She is sick of this woman.Help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2012): well if you really want to break up with her why don'y you just ignore her emails and quit your job and find another one and especially move far far away and if she tries to follow you try to speak some of her friends o your friends some rumors about a lie to where a place that you will move that will definately work and if it fails i felt sorry for you try your best good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): HeyI'm the OP. I get what you're saying about blood to the shark. The horrible thing is today I went outside and I thought I saw her. It wasn't her, it was someone who looked a bit like her but the worst thing was, it was completely plausible in my head that should could go that far and turn up at my house. Luckily, I don't think she knows where I live. I will follow your advice and first thing tomorrow begin changing all my passwords.My marketer and I are already considering contacting people who work with us. What I've shared here about the chaos she has inflicted on my business is only the tip of the iceberg. She's contacted people we are involved with, representing us, without prior permission and. Number of occasions I've had to pull her up on it.There is difficulty when working with volunteers as obviously it's not the same as having an employee, but I am determined to get this woman out of my life, not just for my partner and I, but for my business. Ive worked hard to get it the way it is. I just can't believe people like this exist. I've also got this horrible feeling she's spun me a load of lies about her family situation. I can't prove it though. Just a gut feeling.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 September 2012):
 Another reason you do NOT try to reason with her or elicit her sympathy is it would have the same effect as the scent of blood would on a shark. To a predatory mind it's a sign of weakness.
What will resonate with her is unapologetic selfishness, so that is the air you assume with her. Do not treat her as an injured soul worthy of human respect. She may be damaged but she is NOT respectable and she wouldn't appreciate the effort anyway.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (10 September 2012):
Contact the police and ask what your options are.Gather up all the evidence you can of this woman's stalking. And dig out those old university articles for handy comparison.Have a camera ready at home and/or your office in case she shows up unannounced (or have your phone ready).Keep a log of each event, including date, time and a brief description (also include the names of anyone who happened to be there).Have any eye witnesses compose a summary of any event they observed first hand. Do you use VoIP phone service? If so, set up your account to send voice messages to your email and save them as wave files. Hopefully the woman will be dumb enough to leave an audio trail as well. Change passwords to all of your accounts (even those unrelated to business) to something she can't figure out. If you use the same password or the same theme for everything and she manages to guess one of them....Change the locks to your home and office. Alert any staff or security personal at your flat of the situation. Tell your other friends, family and close neighbours what has been going on. Get a copy of your credit report, just in case she is THAT spiteful.Quick question. Did Laura introduce you to business contacts she already had or did she use her expertise to break the ice with new people on your behalf? The woman is clearly spiteful, chaotic and potentially dangerous so you may be best to inform these contacts what has been going on. She may try to contact them directly and hoodwink them into thinking she remains involved with your permission. You don't want them unwittingly giving her valuable information. Not sure exactly how this should be handled, but perhaps you could start asking them questions like how long they've known her and how often they have worked with her before. They will know something is up when you start doing a background check after the fact. Maybe another aunt or uncle could help with this one. I just think you need to protect your business and professional reputation. Some of these measures may seem over the top paranoid, but it's better to be armed to the teeth and not need it then need it and not have it. I believe this woman is dangerous. Do not underestimate her. She knows exactly what she is doing and she knows the effect it's having on you. She does not care what people think of her. Do not try to reason with her or elicit her sympathy. She has none for anyone but herself. You are the OBJECT of her desire.Do not despair. Put nothing past her and she becomes predictable. You can easily outwit her. Be cunning and sneaky. Be tough as nails. You're on higher ground. Surround yourself with allies. Most likely she will exhaust herself, give up and move on eventually.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2012): jesus, after reading this i really feel for you hunni!
This is bad! and quite right, innappropriate!
There is something you can do.
Firstly id consult citizens advice or other legal charity to get some perspective!
Secondly i would prepare for a hefty court case/tribunal.
Im not saying it will go to this extent but as YOU are the boss you should always be prepared for the worst case scenario.
Print off all the e-mails. including what you have replied.
Draft up several witness statements from both you, your gf and marketing manager and anyone else who is aware of her peculiar behaviour. the more the better.
I would then present a full report of these incidents to th company she is representing and demand a more suitable replacement. Explain that , you admire the company itself, however feel the representation you have been given is far from acceptable due to her behaviour and also ask for disciplinary action to be taken to ensure this doesnt happen again.
That way they should take action, respect your approach and keep the connection between their company and yours.
I just cant emphasise enough for you to be very prepared. it is key.
The worst case scenario would be her taking you to court/tribunal in which case if you have enough evidence to counter any claim she makes, as in terms of sex or harassment or bullying, then you are prepared and can fight it along with support from her own company if you get them in the loop.
wish you the best of luck :)
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