A
female
age
41-50,
*ess7444
writes:I'm 34 he's 30. Two years together just the other day. haven't moved in no sign of marriage. Do i cut my losses and just go. Have tried to walk away before this but he won't hear of it yet won't change it either by doing things like move in or get married. I feel trapped in a relationship going nowhere. he says everything is gradual but This is ridiculous. Granted we aren't stable finacially but who ever is!!!! I am so miserable and unhappy. I am thinking of leaving the city I was born in and leaving forever. Thats how horrible I feel. I think I really need to do this.
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female
reader, sweety22  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 i'd say there is alot going on behind all this if he's feeling drained and you feel so tested as if you have to live up to something but everyone's right if you really want to be with each other he wont let this get in the way. he said he would move in after six months? maybe this is his way of showing you he does want you to be happy or maybe he's just feeling guilty. all you can do is put it to him straight, you can only look after your side of the relationship let him know how you feel and its up to him whether he's willing to compromise with you. sacrifice is giving up something for something better, its up to both of you to decide what is worth more to you
A
female
reader, ginnyvaet11  +, writes (11 July 2008):
If he wont get married, you might want to move on. I am depressed myself, my husband of 11 years just left me for another woman and we are divrced as of last week. This is my dilemna I am american Muslim and our spouses can have up to 4 wives, he wants to remarry me in the mosque and bring another woman from khazakstan here. He left on a plane sunday he did not say where but I found an emabassy thing for khazakastan, I assume he got a visa. I hope they shoot him overthere. We have two children, who are missing there dad. He wants to keep me as a second wife. In Islam a man can have two wives, but he has to give each a home, money provide equally, he is like the american man with the mistress, going back and forth, with guilt. The problem is my husband has not worked in a year, this kind of running around is not conducive to stability and he has ruined our lives.
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A
female
reader, tess7444 +, writes (11 July 2008):
tess7444 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just rang him up, he disn't like it one bit and said i was draining him.he says over a six month period we can work towards moving in or spending more time together but feels it such a huge step(after two years!!!!!).I find that crazy!!!!!! how long is apiece of rope type stuff!!!!
but for some reason i really doubt anything will happen.he has no money I have no real money that will pay bills.What can I do within this time frame to try and get all this to happen, to change?.Sometimes I feel like he's testing me.I have to admit I loathe thinking of this.I'd hate to be testing anybody.I've never done that.What the hell does he think he'll achieve from this.i told him I'm his friend why is he so scared of moving in.
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A
female
reader, tess7444 +, writes (11 July 2008):
tess7444 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe says its ecause we don't have proper jobs.but i do work maybe i don't earn much but i do work.
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A
female
reader, sweety22 +, writes (11 July 2008):
its always up to you whether the relationship's worth waiting for or comprimising for or not, no-one can tell you that. but if their is no good reason for you not to be able to move in together at this stage then i think maybe that is an indication that this guy mightn't be as serious about this as you. but before doing anything rash talk to him, find out what his real reasons are. maybe he's afraid and you need to let him be or maybe he's just not strong enough to say this isn't going anywhere. either way its best to know the truth so there's no regrets. good luck either way
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 July 2008):
 I heard the same excuse. Do what I did. Give him 'the ULTIMATUM'. Decide how long you can live with 'gradual.' Tell him exactly what that is for you. Do it lovingly and with great good humor and hope. Let's just say it's one year. (You might choose a different time frame.) Give him a six month reminder. Then the three month. All reminders with love and grace and gentleness.
Then when it gets down to the real decision time. Be ready to walk away. Line up all your support, your friends and family. Then do it. Walk away if he doesn't commit. You know you want more than he's giving you. It's not that you don't love him; you just know what you need and want and should have in life.
He'll either come after you or let you go. But you'll have given him time to come to grips with his fears and his worries and all that might be stopping him from firmly committing to you.
PS My ultimatum did work. But it wasn't without some stress on both our parts.
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A
male
reader, nenene +, writes (11 July 2008):
From the way you are telling this, you have tried talking this out I'm assuming and it hasn't really worked? If this is the case and you are completely miserable as you say, then this relationship will only hurt you more as time goes on. Get out of it unless you can talk to him and get it through his head that you want your relationship to keep on growing and that he needs to take that next step for you to be happy. If he really loves you, then he should be willing to do this.
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