A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony people,My problem involves a good friend of mine. A few months ago I was abused and cut up by so called friends. Other friends of mine had been told lies about me also and some of them turned on me and gave out to me for everything saying that it was my fault even though I had done nothing wrong. I was left in pieces in after it and nearly had a nervous breakdown. I had a bad state of depression but since then I have gotten help. None of these people bothered to contact me for about 4 months and then two days ago one of them messaged me out of the blue to see how was I getting on. I freaked out and asked some other friends for help. I had a gut feelng that there was a hidden agenda to the message. I replied nice and sweet. Since then I havent gotten any other reply. One of my friend whom I asked for help has now told me that I cant discuss this ongoing problem which I am getting therapy for with her as she cant deal with it. She said that it didnt directly happen to her but it didnt stop her from being really down for a good portion of her holidays. She said she wasnt blaming me or trying to make me feel bad but it's not something that she can talk about but she'd happily be my escape from it though. She has been off with me for months since the "bad time" and we are never alone together. One of her other friends is always around. I know that "bad time" affected other people other than myself but it feels like I have no support from any friends. My question is I'm due to go to an event with this girl where we will be alone together for hours and I need to know how am I going to deal with her knowing that her not giving me any support that I desperately need right now? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2014): Part of healing from psychological trauma is allowing yourself to get away from it. Being able to disengage from thoughts and memories that are paralyzing and painful.
Your friends are the people who help you to "escape" your troubles. They don't have an obligation to help you to perpetuate or recreate the very circumstances that places you in a state of anxiety. Discussing your issues and problems is better done with your therapist and family members. The goal is to carry your own weight.
People want to be close to you, but not always to "support" you. They offer you companionship to lift your spirits, help you forget your sorrows, and they want to bring you joy and comfort. We are all busy escaping our own demons. So we gather with friends for fun and celebration. Not for group therapy. That sometimes happens, but not always on demand.
Perhaps joining a support-group could be just what you need. Ask your therapist.
No one wants the task of being be the sounding-board for your troubles, being ever reminded of your pain. By bringing up your problems all the time, you upset yourself and you stifle the jovial atmosphere around you. Which you need!!! Fun-therapy!!! What friends are for! Maybe you're too deep and intense for her.
If people don't feel like it, you shouldn't feel they aren't being supportive. They simply don't want you to go into an emotional dive as a result of flashbacks to the traumatic events leading to your depression. They sometimes can't handle your gloom and sadness. To a laymen, you're just a killjoy. It isn't kind to say, but being honest; that is how it feels to someone not experiencing what you are. Sympathy has limitations. It's not boundless.
The thing about emotional trauma, is that unlike physical trauma, it is literally all in your mind. It's harder to separate from it. Your trauma literally comes from ruminating or obsessing on memories of hurtful events and/or physical injury that you are unable to remove yourself from.
So constantly talking about it is a symptom. It's what you're trying to heal from. You're trying very hard to get away from it, but you're always dragging it around with you. When you have something different to share, you're getting better. When people see you smiling again, you're healing. That's what they're waiting for. That's what they want in exchange for sharing their time with you. Get it?
Your therapist encourages you to talk about things you need to purge and cleanse from your mind. You also have to turn it off. That is necessary to give your mind the rest it needs to heal. It is also required to have, and maintain friends.
Your friend just gets tired of hearing your problems because it upsets her, it sours the atmosphere, and friends usually come around for the purpose of having a good time.
She would like to be the center of attention on occasion.
If your problems dominate the mood of the evening, don't feel surprised when friends don't want the whole gathering to be about you, and revolving around your problems. You may be ill; but you're also being selfish. They have problems too, and it can't always be about me,myself, and I.
The fact that she is "there," she is supporting you. She's hanging out with you, sharing her time. She has pulled herself away from others and her personal-life to focus her time and attention on you. Not your problems.
Your recovery depends on you being able to go about your life without being overwhelmed by your anxiety and personal demons. You will be healed when your illness and pain are not at the forefront, but become personal and manageable enough to actually enjoy yourself without giving them a thought. When you can actually have a good-time, and people can see your glow again. You're again fun to be around.
You can't rush it. You will not get over depression overnight. It may take more time. It's a gradual process.
You can't expect people who are well to be more patient; when you yourself get impatient with trying to get well.
You aren't asking for support, you are asking for a captive audience to air your pain and suffering. You need a break from all that, and that is what your friend is attempting to do for you. She IS supporting you, but not the way you insist that she does it.
You don't and wont see it, for being too focused on what upsets you; and being preoccupied with blaming people for not supporting you. In a nutshell, they are just tired of listening to your problems, and waiting for you to be yourself again. People get weary, just as you are.
Constantly keeping the things that hurt you active and alive doesn't heal you. It's scratching the scab and keeping the wound open. You need to put it away long enough to laugh, have some fun, and allow joy back into your life.
Even if you have to fake it. Everyone wants to see you having fun like you used to.
Until you are able to stop giving your ex-friends power over your emotions; and the ability to hurt you long after they are gone, you may alienate others. That is, as long as your life is centered on your suffering.
You must continue your therapy; until you are able to socialize without past trauma and depression taking over. Be patient. It may take awhile. Give your friend a break, and allow her to support you her way. Otherwise; you are placing a burden on her shoulders and she will have every right to step-away, and let you deal with it by yourself.
She refuses to allow you to attach your dependency and weigh her down. Guess what? She has every right to, and it doesn't make her a bad friend.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 September 2014):
 I agree with Honeypie. I realize that you went through some emotional trauma which may seem banal to other people, while instead affected you to the core, and , it will take you the time it will take you to overcome it. You can't force or rush yourself to get over it.
Then again, if you feel that you can't be alone with this friend , or other friends or acquaintances , without rehashing it and reliving it for hours... if you feel you CAN'T talk about anything else and you won't have any other conversation subject you can take an interest in, ... if you honestly feel you can't make the EFFORT to talk about other stuff.... then you are not ready yet to socialize or join social events. Perhaps you should give yourself more time and feel better before you try.
It's not a matter of all people being selfish and heartless and uncaring, and not wanting to listen to you. It's a matter that there's two of you- she and you. Everybody has got their own problems, their own worries, their own wounds to lick, their relevance is often subjective, and support does not mean that yours take over all their life and all their attention every time of the day .
You've got your therapist to guide you through the process of elaborating your emotions until the sharpest edge has been taken off them and you are capable of a somewhat more functional interaction with people.
Take the time you need, but in the meantime do not expect or demand that friends are your 24/7 emotional rescue team.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 September 2014):
 I get that you want to talk to people about it, but you also have to realize that even if YOU went through the trauma, it IS HARD for others to deal with. Now if this girl have listen to it ALL summer, and then told you she CAN'T handle it any more, you need to respect it, or.... lose her as a friend. SHE has to put her OWN mental state first. NOT YOURS (that is YOUR job).
If you are in therapy TALK to your counselor. Don't expect your friends to sort this out for you.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but trust me. Dealing with depressed or negative," woe is me" people is ABSOLUTELY draining. Hearing the same thing over and over and over and there is NOTHING you can do to fix it for that friend it's exhausting. I have been on both sides of this "fence". ALWAYS ASK if the person can handle talking about it before you go into wanting to talk.
IF you can find a support group either online or in person (ask your therapist for how and where to find one) then USE that outlet to talk this out. That way you can TALK to people who KNOWS what you went through and who can help you pull through it.
Has your therapist not told you to try and focus on other things too? Not for your friends sake, but for yours? You are RELIVING this over and over, does that help you or hinder you?
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