A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Background information:You are in your early 20’s. You met this person through a mutual friend at your friends house (10 minute conversation before you left the house). The person asked you for your phone number. You talk with this person a few times over the phone. You are not physically attracted to this person but he/she seems nice. The person asked you to go out with another couple who you are a friends to a party at a local hotel ballroom. You agreed and went. You are not thinking about anything else but strictly going out and having fun since it’s been awhile since you have been out. You both ended up getting drunk and had sex and stayed the night in the hotel room. The next day you talked over the phone and said it was mistake with no other future conversations.Is this a ONS or sex on the first date? Would you think sex was possibly going to happen by going to a hotel ballroom party, if you knew a room wasn’t reserved? What if you knew a room was reserved, would that change your answer?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2022): Why do you need to ask other people if this was just sex or a date? Are you an immature child who does not know what she is doing? If you are not keen on the person then why sleep with them? Why date them? If you are that keen why do it so quick so that they think you are easy? All stupid things to do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2022): Ok, so I was completely with you until you had sex with him. Im not trying to slut-shame or age-shame but I mean... were you this ignorant 25 years ago too? Because times and sex attitudes haven't changed much.
(1) you (female) met Dude at a friend's house, you had fun talking and exchange #'s to keep talking.
(2) you're not attracted to Dude but you want this to go... where then? No answer you give will be wrong btw, but someone your age (hell, someone 16-25) should at least know that "Hi Dude, you're awesome but no sex attraction headed your way" means, "I just want to be up front that I'm only looking for friendship - no chance of sex ever" and that one of the first conversations you had should have clarified that. Dude (wrong on his part, not your fault) saw some "I might change my mind/here's a challenge" messages that didn't exist. Where did you want this talking/hanging out thing to go? What were your friendship goals/boundaries and did you clearly state them? Did your actions match your words or did you (I assume accidentally) send mixed messages by appearing to flirt (more physical closeness or touching than you'd do with someone else's boyfriend/a gay guy/male relative for example), were you over sharing emotionally early on or talking like you've known each other for years (not saying you were but that's a great way to send mixed messages)?
(3) ok, you were smart not to one-on-one (NEVER one-on-one with a dude you want to be friends with jsyk), but if Jack and Jill (straight but not a couple) hang with Dick and Jane (straight couple) that gives the impression that it *could* be a double date *or at least fwb/ons etc*. That's where the age shaming comes in, you should know better by now! You wanna hang out with a straight guy platonically, you play some mpg's, you go fishing and sit in silence, you get involved in bowling, pool, or card tournaments. You go to a sport's bar and watch some football or hockey, you go to a church bbq or breakfast (or synagogue/temple/mosque/coven/whatever I missed), you join a running/lifting club that raises money for a cause, you join community theater etc. You mingle with everyone giving equal attention instead of pairing off or spending one-on-one time with just one person.
(4) you should have an idea of your alcohol tolerance by now. Could be half a wine cooler and now you're all giggles and touchy feely or three long islands and you're all full of energy and ready to take on superman (or wonder woman). Maybe you can't drink at all, maybe you drink 3 Miller's an hour, maintain a nice buzz and you're yourself only less shy and more assertive. All that's great but if you're more likely to lose clothes (and I don't mean misplacing your heels in a dance club) while drinking, why did you drink at all if you didn't want to be in a naked situation with a guy you're not attracted to?
(5) are you suddenly attracted? Do you want fwb or a relationship now? Did you consider it a date? If yes on the last one, why'd you agree to a date if you weren't attracted? How'd you end up having sex in public (public indecency charges anyone?) without... Im confused on this one...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2022): Is it a date or ONS? It's whatever you want it to be. If you're not attracted to the person, but you went out with them like a couple; by definition you went out to socialize together under the pretext you may develop a romantic-interest, it could be construed as a "date." You did what people do on a date; but got drunk in the process.
Presuming the sex was consensual, it was admittedly alcohol induced; but we are dancing around legalities if one party was not capable of using sound judgement due to alcohol intoxication.
It's an ONS, if you never meet this person again after you've had sex. If we're playing semantics.
If you don't really like this person, and you don't really want to see him or her again; they'll probably think of it as a one night stand. You can to, if you want to.
From the outside looking in, it's all of the above.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2022): It was not a first date, it was just a meet up. Stop trying to kid yourself. If a room has been reserved and paid for then they think you are the local bike / an easy lay/ or so fascinating that you cannot say no to them. This does not mean that you are dating!
One of the reasons I don't make friends with women and prefer male friends is because women always want to talk every little detail of their life to death, analysing it and getting opinions on it as if it is important when it is just a happening, a nothing, they will have forgotten in a month's time or less. Men are so much better at seeing the big picture and concentrating on what matters.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 November 2022):
 Sounds more like,
A mistake fueled by alcohol than an ONS or first date.
But I suppose it could have been "just" an ONS.
Would I think the sex would happen? I think IF I did (and I wasn't attracted to the person) I wouldn't have gone if I thought, "OH there will be sex."
If there was a room reserved I would think that the other person thought I was an easy lay. Unless it was reserved for 1 person (them) because they knew it would be a drinking night and they didn't want to drive.
While I don't think being drunk is why they had sex, people do seem to get extra stupid with alcohol.
All in all, does any of this matter?
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