A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hi everyone,I am worry about my marriage. We got on great prior to marriage, when my husband propose to me i was in shock to be honest as i did not expect this, I had my doubts prior to marriage but put it down to nerves. I had strong feelings for another man but just ignored this, but on our honeymoon i had the feeling that we should have never got married but now it was to late.To make a long story short, basicly everything went downhill after we married, or course we had our good times, but my husband became distant or we both became distant from each other and we did not seem happy. He walked out for three months, then asked be back, i went back as i had to try. We moved away to france, but i came back after 3 weeks as i was not happy, got counselling and then returned to France again. I returned to France as my husband was not willing to come back to the UK at the time so i returned. He promised that he would return to the UK if this did not work, he said he would now as one evening i was so unhappy i downed 2 bottles of wine in a half hour.I have tried to learn the language and find a job to no success, while my husband is doing his best, i am not happy and have decided to go back to the UK he is coming over with me but is not very keen on the idea.I am very worried, i feel sometimes that maybe we are not ment to be that we made a mistake getting married. I am afraid that if he comes back to the UK and then i realise that it is not working and everything he has setup in France e.g. job, apartment will be gone and he has to start all over again. My husband does not seem to want to have sex with me and there is no excitment in our relationship.Please be as honest as you can, i am a big girl so can take it...just tell me as it is..thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2008): original poster:
Thankyou all so much for your advice and answers.
I am travelling home tomorrow, will find a job and a place for us to rent and then my husband is following me over at the end of August. If i dont miss him, i dont know what i am going to do.
He is not happy i am going and says that at least i will have my family around me and he will be living here all on his own, i am feeling guilty now, he has his family here in the same city and also his friends, i have live here for six months without my friends or family around me so i think fair is fair.
When he does come over, i will give it one more shot and then i will see what i have to do.
Will update you again at a later stage, as i reckoni am going to need your advice another time.
I will just feel like such a failure if my marriage fails. I have worked so hard at it and still these problems wont go away.
thanks to all
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): I feel similar to you although the feeling is more overwhelming and I have never felt things have been right. You will know when this feeling becomes so intense that you can no longer ignore it and this will be the right time to split. If I'm honest I think your relationship has just become one of a kind of trade off. You feel stuck because you have no idea what could happen beyond it. Maybe you doing something quite radical, just for yourself - that maybe takes you away for a few weeks - could give you the confidence and space to think clearly. I did this with a couple of months on my own on holiday - I loved it. This proved I was happier on my own.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): ok let me start by sayin that things can work out. im not hearint of abuse physical and mental so maybe i can help.
from the part of the world where i come from divorse is not in the dictionary. its just creaping in gradually in recent times only when physical abuse comes unbearable. first u have to want it to work out.
2. give yourself time to adjust. 3.remember marriage is 2 imperfect people from diffrent worlds making a vow to accomodate , love and respect and forgive each other FOR LIFE.
3.admit where u might have been wrong, try not to find faults in him rather work on ammending yourself for the sake of your marriage.
4.get a life, a job a hobby new friends, exercise.
5. suggest things you could to together that makes him hapy and while hes in that happy mood creep in your heavy burdens
6. the mind is a dangerous thing...desire to make it work. think of it, write out what u crave and want and imagine it happening.dont run to the exit at the slightest scare. no one was will ever b a perfect match till u work hard at making yourselffa perfect match.
peolpe dont even pray anymore these days! it works like magic. desire a successful marriage so bad and get on your knees and as God for it. call me psched but thats my sure remedy.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (27 June 2008):
 You seem to want different things so you either do your own thing and try and make a long distance marriage work if you cant agree where to live or you cut your losses and admit its over.
I cant see a long distance marriage working if you already have these problems but you cant live a life together if one of you is unhappy with the arrangements you settle on. It will only cause resentment further down the line if you cant compromise now x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2008): Hi, I am in a similar situation regarding distant between husband & I (I see him as a stranger most of the time but with no manners even) and the lack of sex, after a short time of marriage.
If you are finding this is taking up all your thoughts, then I would say I think you know the answer - to leave now whilst you still have some confidence left. You mention the word excitment which again is something that is important to you - unless you know some miracle way to bring back excitment in a relationship, then I don't think it is ever going to get any better than it is.
I note you do not mention that you love your husband. The fact that you had serious doubts before you got married and that these haven't really gone away is a good indicator that you are not happy and that despite lots of thinking/counselling, am I right in saying nothing has really changed those thoughts?
Sorry to sound harsh but my view would be to leave now, as sad as it is to leave a marrige but before any children come along and make it an even worse situation. Also you are still young and lots of life in front of you - don't waste your life, just cut your loses and put it down to experience and move on to better things.
I really do hope you can come to the right decison for you - keep us posted. xx
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