A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Trying to keep this really short...Fell for my female best friend, really heavily. She didn't feel the same. We've kept the friendship and are very close and I couldn't imagine life without her (she has said same to me).I have tried dating other women but I rarely meet any single women in real life and tried internet dating. Because I don't want kids, it is very difficult, as there are so few women who don't want them. I have only dated 3 women in two years but in each case after a few dates I called it a day because I wasn't feeling anything and I can't help but compare them to my friend. She is everything I have ever wanted. If I'd made a tick list when I was 18 of what I wanted in a potential partner, she ticks every single box.I want to move on. But they say you should never settle - no one else matches up, so should I even bother any more (it's hard enough finding other women who don't want kids anyway)?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Hello,
first things first there are women out there who dont want children at all, me being one of them! so dont worry about that, as long as you know it will just be a little more difficult to find them.
Im in a similar situation to you and yes i often considered just settling for a nice stable guy who would be there for me. but it really isnt worth it. i dont think you should ever settle. its true that you could end up alone i wont lie, but if you really dont want that you have to let go of your feelings for your friend.
it sounds harsh but you may have to distance yourself from her just a little so you can heal yourself. and perhaps stop dating altogether for now because until you are over your friend you wont see the full potential of other women at all.
good luck, i wish you all the best!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): It's still true that you shouldn't settle. No matter how tired of being single you are. Why?
let's say that you did go ahead and settle for someone because you're tired of being alone. But the definition of "settling" means you're not actually happy with what you have, you're just grudgingly taking it cos it's better than nothing.
So what will that relationship that you settled for, look like?
will it be filled with joy and happiness? No...there may be moments of happiness here and there but overall will just feel so-so, or just OK.
will it dull your intense desire to find or be with the one you really want? maybe initially....but rarely in the long term especially when you continue to see loving couples all around you who are so into each other even after years and years, you are reminded that for many happy couples they really did seem to find their true loves. You will then feel unhappy that you settled and even more dissatisfied with what you have and feel even more trapped that you felt this was your only option (when it wasn't).
Assuming the other person is unaware that you 'settled' for them, since it's not exactly something you would want to tell them. Your partner will expect you to be more enthused about the relationship and become deeply upset that you're not. This will then cause a once-OK relationship to go downhill.
The worst thing one can do is to settle for someone just because you don't want to be alone, and be OK with keeping them UNTIL some day you find and meet someone that you truly want to be with. Now this is a horrible situation because you have misled your partner into thinking you were committed to them so if you leave them now cos you met "the one" you're being a jerk and destroying their life. And if you try to uphold your commitment and forsake the new person you are taunted forever with the knowledge that if only you had waited longer you could have been with the one you really love. This is one reason how affairs get started.
But what if you don't settle and as a result are still alone, isn't that an even bigger loss? In the short run yes. But as long as you don't settle, you're still keeping the door open for the possibility of finding The One. Once you settle, you're basically closing the door and locking yourself into a compromised life.
Over time, your life experiences and other factors may change your attitudes so that you do genuinely feel good about someone that previously you wouldn't have. This is NOT settling, if your feelings and attitude really have changed so that the decision to be with that person feels right. It's only settling if deep down you know that you are not happy with this person but are only with them because it's better than nothing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2012): Grymsoul - OP here. I do get where you are coming from but my 'asking her out' happened 2 years ago. Six months ago I had the chance to move away and told my friend this and she fell apart, burst into tears. She didn't want me to go. The chance fell through, so I didn't go (not because of her) and after I stayed is when she told me she couldn't imagine life without me in it. I keep searching, believe me, but because I don't want kids it is a very small pool out there - which makes it all harder.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul  +, writes (10 April 2012):
 1.She CAN see a life without you in it. She only said she couldn't to keep from hurting your feelings. If she doesn't love you the same way you love her then it's not hard to imagine a life without you.
2.You compare many women to her because you have yet to solve the issue. You're still friends with the girl of your affections. This is going to make it extremely hard to move on and find someone else.
3.She doesn't feel the same way about you so it isn't meant to be. The easiest thing to do is let her go and move on. You'll feel like you've finally take a breath of fresh air after drowing your heart ini her for so long.
4.Keep searching for potential mates. There's always someone out there that wants the same things you do. Once you let go of your current obsession, then you'll be able to see the clearer.
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