A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a girlfriend. I have been with her for over four years. In all that time, it seems like we have never gotten through a day without a fight over something. I was already at my breaking point when I met the other girl. I met her through my girlfriend. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and I would later find out how deep her beauty really was. She is so smart, has such a great sense of humor and thinks just like I do. So easy it is for us to talk to each other that we spend many hours a day talking to each other whether it be in person, online or through texts. Somewhere along the way, I came to fall for this person. I started to see her face when I closed my eyes, dreamed about her and even thought of her as my perfect match. She is exactly the person I would want to spend my life with. Yet, it only served to strain my relationship further. My girlfriend realized before I did. She even spoke with the other girl and told her how I felt in an effort to get her to stop talking to me. She didn't though. Instead, she pretended that nothing happened. I didn't find out about this until much later. Eventually, the problems with my girlfriend became so great that I decided that we should break it off. I had hurt her too much already and didn't want to hurt her further. Shortly after, the other girl started dating another guy. Contrary to what one might expect, I was actually really happy. I felt that the guy she was with was great for her and I felt that I could just bury all the troublesome emotions that had plagued me once and for all. However, during the time we were apart, my then ex became increasingly more depressed. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't go out and even had suicidal thoughts which she told me about. I was familiar with this kind of thing from my own family experiences. So scared was I that I ended up getting back together with her. Maybe it was a stupid decision, but I couldn't bare the thought of her harming herself because of me. So I resolved to make things work with her. I tried to give her more attention, tried to search deep within myself to remember why I fell for her in the first place and even took a trip for several months with her to her home country to stay with her family. Yet my feelings wouldn't change and the problems only grew. I still talked a lot to the other girl and she was always happy to speak with me. Talking with her has caused issues within my relationship, but recently I have found out that it has caused issues in her relationship as well and they nearly broke up. Now, things are hitting the fan. My girlfriend wants to take a break and move out of the apartment so I can sort things out. She told me that she had been having suicidal thoughts again but assured me she would do nothing to herself. I am still scared though. I don't want to like this other girl, but it seems I already do and I lack the discipline to make a firm decision and see it through. It seems to me that the best thing to do at this point is to break up with my girlfriend and try to move on from the feelings I have for the other girl. I think a friendship with my girlfriend would be impossible, but I really want to keep a friendship with the other girl as it is rare to find people who understand me like the way she does. I suppose that all this doesn't amount to a question so much as a reflection of my own thoughts and it is hard to convey a story nearly a year in the making in such a short piece of writing. However, I would appreciate the opinions and advice of anyone who would offer it.
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female
reader, LoveIsStrongerThanPride +, writes (19 July 2010):
 OMG I AGREE WITH JMC930.
My boyfriend did this to me, said they were just friends only when I found out about their secret friendship and that sometimes they hung out while I was with my grandmother, I found this out way later. He denies doing anything wrong, but then why did it HURT so bad?! It hurts to be betrayed, guys rarely are JUST friends with a girl.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Let me get this straight: You emotionally cheated on your girlfriend with her friend. She found out about it. She told the other girl off, and the other girl didn't back off. When you broke up with your girlfriend, seemingly FOR the other girl, she decided to take on a different boyfriend instead. But you still talk to her and are obsessed with being, at minimum, her friend, and you are stringing your girlfriend along.Break up with your girlfriend, but help her seek appropriate counseling. She doesn't deserve to be strung along in all this. Stop talking to this other girl, especially if it's causing drama in her relationship. You like her so much and want to be with her so much, then you should respect that she's in a relationship now. Your intentions are NOT pure. You do NOT want to be "Just friends" with this other girl. You said she's the type of girl you could see yourself spending the rest of your life with. That implies a lot more than "just friends."It is clear that you still care about your girlfriend's well-being. Oh, how very noble of you. However, you cannot force yourself to fall in love with someone. Your futile attempts are just that -- futile. Get some self-control and move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Long story short, I recommend you take a break from all parties involved here. You need space from your (ex?)girlfriend and the other woman you had contact with. Neither relationship you mentioned sounds very healthy. Best to move on to another circle of friends, spend some time out of a relationship since you've been in one for 4 years (if you must, just light heartedly date), and "work on you" for a while. Good luck!
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