I have been seeng somone for a few months who seems to care about me but he has been telling me things about his past that I am finding it impossible to digest. He married his first wife at 22 and at 34 had an affair with her sister who came to stay. He still loved his wife very much but she eventually left him and it devastated him. This makes me feel that he is unable to control sexual impulses despite the consequences. Three years after that he met his second wife and two years further on they married. Ten months after that he was posted to Amsterdam and although they saw each other every weekend he visited prostitutes. Two years later she had a child and went off sex for over a year. She went on holiday with a female friend so he took himself off to Thailand and the organised brothels there. That was in 2001. Since then he has been dating again and is in contact with some of those ex partners as friends although there is nothing going on between them. He has not been unfaithful to me. He has said some strange things, such as one night we had phone sex, which I said I had not done before. He said he was "a veteran". When questioned he said he had done it with ex girlfriends but I am not sure I believe him. Luckily we have been using condoms!! He said that the ladies he used always insisted on them, so he has no fear of giving me a disease anyway. Every other thing about him is fine, strangely. I have tried to finish with him several times because I feel I cannot cope with it, but I am fond of him. My instinct says that trouble looms in the future because if we have difficult patches or if he goes away on business I will never be sure of what he is doing. I really want to finish with him but am finding it hard because I am fond of him. What do you all think?
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affair, condom, ex girlfriend, on holiday, phone sex, prostitute
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reader, littlegem +, writes (12 October 2005):Hi
This man is being extremely honest with you (in a bizarre way) so clearly although the relationship is at it's early stages, you may have encouraged him to confide in a side to his character which he has been unable to do so far. Though I am not so sure and I am sure this is what he wants you to think. Yes,he may feel by being honest with you he will break a chain of behaviour he thinks is out of his control and that you will prevent him from doing this again.
However, i think his honesty is just another cover up. By confiding in you he may be accepting that his behaviour is unreasonable in a committed relationship and deep down desperately wants to change but is scared that he can't.
And that i'm afraid, is probably becuase he can't.
The cyncial side of me says that this is a man who is a selfish lover, who does not value women and seeks only to gratify his own sexual needs. Rather than working at a relationship, if his lovers attention isn't a 100% all the time he easily seeks attention elsewhere. Look at the facts: he had an affair with his wife's sister (dangerous and exciting after 12 years of marriage), his wife had a baby and didn't want sex so he went to see prostitutes (note how he uses her as an excuse for seeing the hookers and didn't, at least according to your account, shoulder any of the blame).
He describes himself as a "veteran" of phone sex becuase he probably thinks it turns you on and because it turns him on to know he's in control sexually. The fact that he is in touch with his exes as "friends" may make him see like a changed man but really all he is doing is keeping his options open. Maybe there is nothing going on with them but trust me if there isn't , it's their choice not his.
If he does go away "on business", you will know deep down that that nagging concern you have is probably true.
Don't fall for the "i've never been able to talk to anyone like this line"
Sometimes, someone's deepest darkest confessions are actually a way of prepping us for the inevitable "I told you what I was like" or "i told you so"
Ditch this self obsessed loser now before you become his next pathetic victim.
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (2 October 2005):lol, i understand why you got doubts but for you to date and even still consider this person, you must think so similar to him and be a good match.You are a FEMALE yet you think its OK for a PERSON to ORGANISE BROTHELS?Did you know? 89% of MEN cheat (on their girlfriends/wifes) with Prostitutes9% of MEN who go with Prostitutes is because they cant get a girl for sex2% of MEN have sex with Prostitutes when they are single because they just want sex without committment...and How do you know he hasnt been unfaithful?
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reader, emily +, writes (1 October 2005):hya i think i can understand how you are feeling,i could not have a relationship with someone who has had a very active past,but people can change and he may not be like that anymore.
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