A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I've got a really massive problem and I could be doing with some advice. I meet this girl and we got on really well, she was on the pill and we had sex a number of times unprotected and I'm discusted with myself. The last time we slept together she told me that she had to stop her pill due to test ad the gp so we used protection but thesecond time we didn't and I had an accident and she had to go and get the morning after pill, I was told that she was sick after taking it that she had to go back for more, I asked to go with her but was told no then told more or less that she wanted nothing to do with me.I got a message from her telling me that I was off the hook which I assumed meant that I wasn't pregnant but later that week got messages from her that read as if she was pregnant, just a few days ago she told me that she can't go through with this and I took that to mean she was getting an abortion and I said that I'll stand by any decission that she makes and I won't try to change her mind. Then a few hours later she tells me dory to burst my bubble that she doesn't know what she's going to do and that it's her problem. I feel as though she is messing with my head, I'm in a situation at the moment that I don't want to be in I'm ill, I have depression, no job and she isn't much better. It's not the best of situations to bring a child into and I've been realistic about this and told her, I just don't know what to do I don't want a child and I'm in no fit state to be a father. I just dint know what to do and I just don't know how to tell my parents what's going on, I'm going to have to go back to the dr's to see if he will put me back on anti-depressiants and get help because I just can't cope with all that's going on in my life just now. Please can someone give me some advice.Thank you
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2010): There's a lesson here, but not the one you expect. You should learn to use the right medium for the message. Texting is the wrong medium for complex relationship issues -- it's so bad it usually makes them worse.
So, go visit your girl. Talk with her. Gently, because it is a worrying time. Gently, because she seems from your writing to have some elements of falling to bits. Gently, because she went off the pill because she was already ill. Gently, because you don't want to be dealing with your anger when you should be listening to her (and I'd suggest with a background thought of "how likely is that?" and "is this what she thinks, or is it said to be manipulative?"). Gently, because once you've helped her sort herself out you might want to keep the result. If you are young, take a grownup. Otherwise, welcome to the world of real relationships.
As for your own depression, you need to be ruthless with yourself. This is one time in your life that if you are not functioning well you are going to make some serious mistakes. By being ruthless you remove the possibility of your depression being a device to hide behind to avoid grappling with the consequences of your actions. Churchill ran a war whilst depressed, in an age of no anti-depressants, simply because he had to, no one else could save Britain.
So you are going to have to talk with your gf, determine if she is pregnant, discuss if to terminate, support your gf's decision, raise your child --- all simply because you have to, no one else can do it.
In doing this you will stop her messing with your head. She can only mess when you do not have a plan.
And with a plan and with you not feeling manipulated, that gets rid of most of the problems contributing to your depression. Leaving only the real problems. Which aren't that big --- people look for jobs everyday, people continue or terminate pregnancies everyday, people raise children everyday.
I've also got to tell you Secret Men's Business [women, stop reading here]. None of us are ready for children, our gfs are often pregnant at the lowest point of our life.
At that point we get our life together, pull on the mask of Real Man, and act the part. And then one day before we've realised it, we are a Real Man, we aren't acting anymore. And if you've managed things well enough you'll be sleeping next to a happy woman with your children down the hall, and that will be plenty enough to make you happy too, I promise.
If you refuse to pull on the Real Man mask, or if you mismanage things, now you know where all the sad sack not-really-men come from.
This is a defining moment in your life. So get to it.
A
male
reader, BassiveMalls  +, writes (21 September 2010):
 First off you need to make her tell you if she is pregnant or not.Next if she is, tell her that this mistake is half yours and you don't want a kid. Make yourself very clear because your opinion will carry a lot of weight with a girl this confused. Tell her you'll drive her to the clinic and pay for half of it.
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A
female
reader, Butterfly1992 +, writes (20 September 2010):
How old are you?
2nd. I think shes not really sure if shes pregnant. she hasnt gotten tested. and maybe she had a disease that she wasnt telling you about. or she had sex with another guy right after you. so shes not sure which one of yall is the father. sorry i dont know what to tell u. but if she is pregnant. you need to man up. Get a job. take care of your depression and tell your parents straight up. Your parents are gonna be angry. but thats a right they have as parents.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (20 September 2010):
 I would be happy to help, but the advice may be different depending on your age... could you give us a ball-park age?
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A
female
reader, sexxy sex  +, writes (20 September 2010):
give her time to think and make her decision.hang in there and try to support her because woman in that situation wont stick in the decision its normal for her to keep changing her mind though she needs a professional advice for that particular case coz its the matter of life n death.about the results they can only be clear after some time.may b she checked when the hormone were not ready to react pregnant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): Three words: Be a man.
This means you take responsibility for your actions. If she's pregnant, you stand by her decisions and support them and her. If she's not, then you learn from your "accident" and take the lesson with you.
In the meantime, you talk to her and tell her that all the cryptic messaging has you confused. Ask her straight out if she's pregnant and if she says she is, then tell her you two need to get together to talk about things (which will include evidence of the pregnancy test, if she had one, and going to the doctor for a pregnancy test if she hasn't had one). If she is vague and won't tell you if she's pregnant or won't agree to get together and talk about it, etc., then she's messing with your head, ignore her and don't have sex with her again.
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