A
male
age
36-40,
*ayson
writes:Hi there, Im going to sound like the bad guy in this but hear me out, I would appreciate all opinions, good or bad. Thanks! So, Ive been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and she is very much into me, almost infatuated and although I do like her and we get along fine, I do not believe that she is 'the one', and Im at a stage in my life where I really need to find 'the one' for several reasons. Im currently in grad school and NEED a GF for stability , but its hard to find good women where I am, and so I have stuck with my current GF because its the easiest option, Here is the problem, my physical attraction for her is weaning and I HAVE cheated on her. I do feel guilty as she is a great person, but like I said, I do not want to miss out on finding 'the one'. I am very selfish I know but its just the way it is, im not as attracted anymore and I seem to be finding solutions elsewhere.What should I do? Opinions? Be nice please! :/ Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): Do you have the guts to look your girlfriend in the eye and tell her you're only still with her because you need a girlfriend to feel stable, but you can't find good women around here so you're sticking with her because it's the easiest option? Oh, and that you're cheating on her because you're looking for someone new?
If you tell her this and she says "oh sure no problem, let's just keep this relationship going until you find someone new that you're comfortable with, then we can break up" then you can keep on doing what you're doing.
If you can't tell her the truth, because this is the honest truth, then you need to be a man and end things with her now. it's appalling what you're doing to her, how can you even sleep at night?
what new woman would want to get involved with a man who does this??
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2011): It's very very wrong (and selfish, and cowardly) to use her as nothing more than your security blanket while you're just biding your time cheating around on her until something better comes along.
Even if you found the right new girl now, being still with your current girlfriend will taint any new relationship.
do the right thing - break up with your girlfriend whether or not you have anyone new lined up yet. It's wrong to stay with her under these circumstances. Then you can have a clean slate while looking for someone new.
OK, second issue is you say you "need" a girlfriend for stability. this is not good. This is why your clinging to her using her as a security blanket until you find someone new then you plan to discard her. but that's just it - you're using her.
Learn to be happy on your own first before you get into a serious relationship. it's dangerous to "need" a girlfriend because this can set you up to jump into the wrong relationship too soon but just because any relationship feels better than none. Then once in the new relationship you will find yourself right back where you are now: unsatisfied, wanting to keep looking for the right one - which is fine - but then refusing to let go of your current girlfriend because of being scared of being alone so you will cheat on your next girlfriend too.
Furthermore if you "need" a girlfriend then while meeting new girls you can come across as desperate and clingy and drive them away. Women can sense desperation in a guy and it's not attractive
you really should take some time to be single and learn to be more emotionally independent. Your internal well being should come from being happy with who you are so you're not so dependent on being in a relationship. then when you meet new people you can be in a better position to judge if they are really right for you or if it's just your neediness driving you to get involved with them.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever  +, writes (2 February 2011):
You should break up with your girlfriend, get strong and be able to handle being on your own, figure out who you are and THEN be open to meeting and dating new people. In that order.Right now you're hurting your girlfriend so you need to stop your behavior. It's not a nice thing at all to be holding onto someone and lying to them, while you're seeking or lining up a new relationship behind their back and just waiting until you have that in place before breaking up with the first person. This is unethical.Also you are cheating on her. This is blatantly unethical too. If you can't stay faithful to someone, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with them, you should set her free. whether or not you're cheating on her, by hanging onto her while you don't want her anymore but just because you're afraid to be alone and planning and waiting until someone better comes along before you jump ship, you are deceiving her into thinking you actually love her as much as she loves you. You're treating her badly and being cowardly.Overall you are being very unfair and disrespectful to her. How would you feel if you were in love with someone and they did this to you?Please don't do this to her anymore. Please tell her the truth that you don't feel it for her, you know she's not the one, you want to find someone who can be the one for you, and break up with her immediately so she can be free to find someone too who will truly want to be with her for who she is, and not just because they're using her.You said "I'm currently in grad school and NEED a GF for stability , but its hard to find good women where I am, and so I have stuck with my current GF because its the easiest option, "The problem is that you feel you NEED a girlfriend for stability. No, you don't NEED a girlfriend. You need water, food, air...you do not need a girlfriend. if you really feel that you absolutely "need" a girlfriend for stability, then you have some emotional issues or self-esteem you need to clarify and work on, it's not healthy to need to be in a relationship with someone, anyone, just to feel OK. As you can see, this unhealthy issue has already done damage which is that it is causing you to hurt your current girlfriend.You will be fine if you break up with her, the world will not come to an end. If you feel it will, then talk to people who are supportive, seek some counseling if the discomfort or anxiety gets overwhelming, because it's unhealthy to depend to an excessive degree (to the point of being nonfunctional or unstable if you truly are like that) if you are not in a relationship. It means you're not emotionally healthy and this is not a good place from which to be seeking out or starting new relationships anyway. work on your self-esteem and self confidence. Learn to be happy with who you are, as you are, on your own. Dont' be afraid to get some counseling if the fear of being alone really is that overwhelming that it paralyzes you. Point is, if this is the case then whatever new relationship you start, you won't be coming into it from a healthy place and it could negatively affect your relationship.So please, break up with your girlfriend, and work on your self confidence, and then look for that someone new who can be the one for you.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (31 January 2011):
 End it with your girlfriend, it is not fair to keep cheating on her in your quest to find 'the one'. She deserves a lot better - you need to set her free so she can find her 'one', a man that loves her and treats her right.
It is VERY wrong to stay with someone until a better option comes along, you are treating her like dirt at the moment and it really is unfair on her. This girl really likes you, and the longer you stay with her the more you hurt her.
So man up, accept that being alone is better than causing uneccessary pain to a lovely girl - and be single until 'the one' comes along.
Just as an aside - 'needing' a girlfriend will mean that you will never find one. Needy men are a massive turn off for girls, what girls are attracted to are confident men who are happy with their own lives, and dont 'need' anything extra.
The way I have always viewed being single is to think of relationships/life this way - your life should be pretty close to being perfect without a relationship. You need a good set of friends, good relationship with your family, hobbies that make you happy, interests, passions and a few goals in life. Then if a relationship, came along, that would be like the icing on the cake. So the cake itself is pretty tasty and you would be happy eating it on its own, but the icing makes it that little bit better.
So what you need to learn is to be happy alone, happy with your own company and assured that you can achieve great things by yourself. Only when you are truly comfortable with yourself and happy with your life, then can you have a relationship that will be sucessful. How can you ever expect a girl to make you happy when you cannot make yourself happy?
The fact that you "need" a girlfriend for anything is a major worry - you clearly cannot cope being alone for whatever reason, so this is something you need to deal with before you will ever find 'the one'. That one special girl could be anyone, there are lots of women out there who you will be compatible with. But what makes the massive difference in how succesful and happy the relationship is, is to be happy with yourself and to make sure you have dealt with your own issues to stop you bringing those issues into the new relationship.
So end your current relationship, it simply is not fair on the girl to be stringing her along like this when the reality is you are just waiting for a better option. You know cheating is wrong, so let her go so she can find a guy that really appreciates her before you hurt her any more. And then take some time out to work on yourself, figure out what makes you 'need' a girlfriend and learn to satisfy that need yourself. Once you can make yourself happy and fulfill your own life, then you will be ready to find 'the one' and have a great relationship with her.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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