A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. There was talk of marriage after two, but we don't want to rush anything. We want to wait until our jobs are more stable, and he finishes college (in 1 year). So we are in a serious relationship.Lately I've started wondering about us though. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really in love, or if its been so long i just don't know how to do anything else. If that makes sense... We grew up together in this relationship and I'm afraid that even if i didn't totally love him i would stay for the rest of my life just because its comfortable and its what i know.I don't mean to make this sound worse than it is, because we get along great. His personality is more than i could have ever asked for. Just certain aspects don't click. He lacks the manliness that i need. He's very shy, and never takes innitiative. I need me car fixed, he says he'll take care of making all the calls and talking mechanics. And asks me what to do every step of the way. I've never gotten a birthday present, because he just gets frustrated and gives up, and i have only once gotten flowers on Valentines Day. Yet he helps me out around the house and cooks dinner. He never wants to go out with his friends, he doesn't spend money. Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, nothing bad. Our sex life is pretty dissapointing but i always thought that since i loved him it doesn't matter.Sometimes i have to threaten to unplug his computer to get him to notice i'm here, other times he's sweet and wonderfully affectionate.What I'm trying to figure out is if I am just being paranoid, or if i have reasons to feel this way. I don't know if I'm being blinded by how long i've been with him and how comfortable we are with one another, and if this is something that would bother other people? Thanks for reading this crazy long post!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, brooke5426 +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Hey,
I think everyone starts to feel like that after a few years and the initial honeymoon period has worn off. It could be that you're just taking him for granted and not realising how much you love him because you're so used to him being a part of your life, or it could be what you said, that you're just used to him now and its safe and comfortable.
He might not be everything you ever dreamed of but hes pretty close and remember the 80/20 rule! Where you find someone who is 80% everything you want but because he's not that other 20% it plays on your mind, so you find a guy who has the other 20% only to discover thats the only 20% he has so you were better off in the first place.
I think you just need to talk to him and tell him you need more attention sometimes and tell him about the things you want which arent happening. He's not psychic and if he doesnt know you want these things from him he wont be able to give you them. Its not really fair to expect him to meet all of your needs when he doesnt know what they are. And don't settle for a poor sex life either. It is true that if you love him its not the most important thing but its something that can be easily solved through communication so theres no need to settle for rubbish sex.
If you HAVE tried telling him the things you need changed and hes not taking any notice, then maybe a break would do you both good? It would either make you miss each other terribly and when you came off the break you would have a new-found appreciation for each other or it would affirm your suspicions that you are only together because its routine now, either way you'll know what to do to make you happy so its a win-win situation.
Brooke
xx
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