A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm very triggered by people who unreliable, flakey, put you on the bench, in social and romantic situations. Say for instance people who keep their options open but keep you hanging. What is a chill way to call attention directly to the person if I'm triggered by this kind of behavior?Also, how do you call out someone who doesn't make time for you but keeps putting you in social situations with groups of people they want to see to maximize their time? Not considering your time. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2019): Your post doesn't give us any real life context at all, you don't say more about your situation, so it actually comes across as completely abstract and - sorry - but slightly creepy.To be frank, it gives the feeling that you may not be a pleasant person and that those who know you are trying to be kind by not excluding you entirely, but also find your personality and behaviour quite difficult. Without knowing more details, it's impossible for us to say why this might be, but the fact that you withhold any details feels controlling in itself; maybe you are just trying to give a neutral post here, but it comes across as if you are trying to pre-empt and control our responses. When the content of you post then seems to be about how to control other people's responses, then it all seems a strange scenario.Maybe I'm getting the wrong end of the stick - but why don't you tell us some more details or examples of what's happened, so that we can help ?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (5 January 2019):
 You can't control what people do or say, or how they act towards you. Your strength lies in how you react to what is said or done.
You can do anything you want in life but you must always remember that everything you do (or don't do, in some cases) comes with a price. For instance, you can tell someone you don't like what they do or say but the price for that may be that they may cut you out of their life. On the other hand, if you choose NOT to vocalize your dissatisfaction and just put up with what they do, the price you pay will be your peace of mind and, possibly, if their behaviour affects you sufficiently, your health.
If people act in such a way that you feel stressed and disappointed by them, you have choices in how you proceed. You can tell them how you feel, you can try to change how YOU view their behaviour or you can walk away and find different friends. The one thing you CANNOT do is force them to change to suit YOU. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility, not anyone else's.
In your shoes I would, firstly, decide whether the friendship was worth saving. If so, then perhaps approach the other party and say something along the lines of "I find it very disappointing when you seem to do xyz". Try not to accuse because that will automatically put them on the defensive. Instead, try to explain how their behaviour affects you and makes you feel. If they are true friends and want to keep the friendship, they will discuss your feelings with you and try to be more considerate. However, be prepared for them to deny what you feel they do, or even to tell you that they are not prepared to change. You then have to make the choice of how you proceed, given that whatever you do will come with a price. How much do you want to pay?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): You sound a little piqued by this behaviour. But actually it's a blessing in disguise. If women are hedging their bets when they are with you- it's a sign! They aren't that into you. Accept that and move on, don't try and force them to like you/be more attentive. If they are hedging their bets- let them and find someone who isn't. But spare a thought that the problem might be you and your attitude-you seem a little entitled. No women owes you their attention, even on a date. It's on you to be more interesting. Crack on!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2019): Whoa guy! You seem like a grand-manipulator and control freak!
Someone you casually know, owes you nothing. You're due common respect and courtesy, same as anyone else. If you have a romantic-interest in a person; you go with the flow and try to follow their signals, and attempt to match them with your values and interests. It's give and take. They may not like all the people you know; or enjoy every atmosphere you place them in. It's a courtesy and a choice to even be in your company.
If they seem to align with your criteria for attraction, and meet reasonable standards; follow the chemistry. If there is no chemistry, don't bother pushing things any further. You don't tell people off for not falling in-line with your expectations, meeting your demands, or standards.
Dating is a process of selection. You are evaluating a person for the traits and character that you feel work in harmony or in-sync with your own personality. Your continued ties or connection is based on mutual-attraction. If they don't workout, you have the option to end that connection.
If you see quirks, habits, or behavior you find offensive; or completely incompatible with your own set of values and/or needs. You end it, and you politely move on.
They are adults; and free to do whatever they please. As you are free to move on; if their behavior or actions don't suit you, or your tastes. They don't have to conform to your expectations. No matter how much money you've spent, or time you've invested. It's strictly up to you how far you want to continue to go!
You don't have a right to admonish anyone for any of the reasons you've given; because you don't have to go anywhere you don't wish to go, or meet anyone you don't care to meet.
If you don't like the company they keep, or feel disrespected; politely excuse yourself. Offer her a cab, Lyft, or ride home; and let her know that the evening isn't working for you. You don't have to be rude or nasty about it. Be civilized and always display strong character and class.
BTW, the word "triggered" is used in psychological references. It normally infers a negative or unhealthy reaction occurs when certain actions or events take place. If you get triggered by things, get some behavioral-therapy or professional-counseling to gain control over your impulses; if people trigger you. Never let anyone push you to the brink. You cut ties with them before you reach that point.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 January 2019):
 How do you call someone out who doesn't prioritize you?
You don't. You just STOP prioritizing them.
EVERYONE (including you!) wants to maximize their free time. You don't want to socialize with other for THEIR sake alone,but for you OWN as well. THAT is human nature.
As for being "triggered" - learn to let that shit go.
If someone show to be flaky and unreliable, DROP them and move on. BE UNAVAILABLE for them to push you around and use you.
YOU get to choose who you hang out with, socialize with and partake in romantic adventures with.
You don't have to make a big deal out of NOT wanting to be around flaky people, just become unavailable, too busy for THEM. It's not hard.
I know it may not be "kosher" but most people do not give a single F as to what "triggers" you. Good friends would KNOW that you don't want to be a "spare option", so I'd say focus on building GOOD friendships with people who are ACTUALLY worth it.
If I found out that someone suggested we maybe meet Friday for a drink but there was no concrete plans by Thursday (perhaps because they kept their options open for something more fun than drinks with me) - I would make OTHER plans and let that person know, hey sorry, I didn't think we had anything concrete going on so I'm going to be doing XYZ instead.
Don't be so passive and passive-aggressive.
You make it sound like people are DOING this to you. YOU do have choices and a voice.
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