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female
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*nne
writes: Myself and my boyfriend had a baby 10 months ago. I work and my boyfriend minds the baby at home. In the past 4 months we have had daily arguments, sometimes hourly, over not really anything at all, but it is really getting us down. We cant sit and talk about because we end up shouting at each other.We are on the verge of breaking up and I don't want to be a single parent. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (4 July 2005):
Having a baby will change any relationship. your commitment and priorities are stretched to the limit at the time you are getting no sleep.
I agree with becky05, he may be feeling some resentment at taking the traditional mother's role, but are you feeling insecure about giving that role to your boyfriend? I think that this is something you should talk about. In the meantime, keep calm and try to talk.
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reader, pops +, writes (3 July 2005):
Get professional counseling. Couple have to learn how to argue about the big things, and not the little stuff. Its hard to do. Most people would rather not admit what is truly making them mad. Certainly not to their antagonist. So find a neutral third party who is trained in relationship counseling. Each of you can talk to the counselor in private, and then together. I agree with Becky05 that he probably will think better of the situation if he is working full time. He has to live in Man World, where the standards of behavior are always at least 50 years behind the times, and don't accept change very well. He was raised to expect to be the breadwinner, regardless of how " liberal" he has lately become about raising his child. The men he has to socialize with- family, friends, former co-workers, fellow students, neighbors, etc. - are probably not very kind to him seeing him sitting at home taking care of the baby. Recognize that Man World is very different from Woman World, and each has its pluses and minuses. Pops
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reader, pops +, writes (3 July 2005):
Get professional counseling. Couple have to learn how to argue about the big things, and not the little stuff. Its hard to do. Most people would rather not admit what is truly making them mad. Certainly not to their antagonist. So find a neutral third party who is trained in relationship counseling. Each of you can talk to the counselor in private, and then together. I agree with Becky05 that he probably will think better of the situation if he is working full time. He has to live in Man World, where the standards of behavior are always at least 50 years behind the times, and don't accept change very well. He was raised to expect to be the breadwinner, regardless of how " liberal" he has lately become about raising his child. The men he has to socialize with- family, friends, former co-workers, fellow students, neighbors, etc. - are probably not very kind to him seeing him sitting at home taking care of the baby. Recognize that Man World is very different from Woman World, and each has its pluses and minuses. Pops
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
I know this may sound stupid in this day and age but maybe your boyfriend feels that he should be the one working as its the "mans job" to support his family and therefore he feels inferior to you. He may be stressed with looking after the baby. Maybe he feels you dont spend enough time together.Are you happy in the relationship? Try to make time (for example an hour every night) to spend time together alone after your baby has gone to bed, and try to discuss your problems, dont accuse him of anything and if he becomes aggressive, remain calm and dont argue back, he cant have a row with himself!!
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