A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After a long break from online dating, I recently re activated my account. Maybe out of boredom, I don't know. I am making new friends and trying to meet people that way, but making no progress in finding available men. So I starting exchanging messages with this man on the dating site. In amongst all the jokers there, this guy stood out as being decent. I was quietly impressed, slightly hopeful. Then yesterday I find out that he still lives with the mother of his youngest child. He has another child with another woman. That is a red flag for me, something I won't even consider, even though he says they are not a couple. I'm a bit angry about this. Shouldn't people in this sort of situation make this clear either on their profile or early on in conversations? We were only chatting a week or so, but still I feel he wasted my time and I feel a bit disappointed. I told him how I felt and he still wanted to chat. No, not happening.I get that putting it on his profile would put a lot of people off completely so from his point of view, he wants to get someone to like him somewhat before sharing this information (which came out after I asked certain questions, he didn't volunteer it). But is this fair? Sure we all have a past, especially when we get to our late thirties and forties, but this is a pretty big thing, isn't it?! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (30 April 2014):
 Ive heard so many stories of people (both sexes) claiming to be six foot tall, successful, athletic, independent, solvent, etc only to be five foot five, blading, fat, broke and so forth in real life.
Yes your right people should be more honest but it is not the world we live in. Thast why Internet Dating, although fun and can be successful, has to be used with a little caution.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 April 2014):
 Good for you!
Unfortunately I think when using dating sites you have to do an abundant amount of weeding out the "bad seeds" and that is sad.
I have watched my BIL (he is single and looking for a partner) and his online-dating adventures, and I thanks my lucky starts that I'm not single these days, because I am severely allergic to bullsh.. And it seems YOU are too. Which will serve you well.
Knowing what you want, I think is key, to not take crap, and knowing WHEN to walk away is also so important.
It is annoying (I would presume) that people use dating sites for hook-ups and casual things. It makes the waters so muddy.
And... like you mentioned she might not even BE an ex....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Honeypie. I only exchanged messages with him for a week and am thankful I did a bit of fishing and didn't go on a date with him. I agree in principle that it's best to meet up sooner rather than later or you end up with a caricature of who you'd LIKE to meet, which just leads to disappointment.
I get that he wouldn't put on his profile "Hey, I live with my ex!" but it did take a bit of probing on my behalf to get that info. He then referred to him and his ex as "we" and described one child as being from "another relationship".... another one to the relationship he's in now? It just doesn't seem over.
He said he wanted to meet a smart and cautious woman like me (my profile states I approach on line dating with caution), because he wouldn't just introduce anyone to his children (jumping ahead of himself there me thinks), but who knows. Maybe he was looking for someone to rattle his "ex", or as you say really just looking for casual. Anycase, I am Not playing that game.
Well this particular man can go and jump. He suggested we keep messaging "as long as you don't find someone you're more interested in" (what the...?). NO to that suggestion, too.
To the Almight Duck - dating sites ARE overpopulated by liars and cheats, you are correct there :). But I am not a liar and a cheat, for example. I have a busy life and it's just one way I use to try and meet new people. I did meet two men online who became boyfriends.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 April 2014):
I think everyone is entitled to put together a profile that describes them in a way that it will attract the people they want to attract, but not go into lies or deep details.
I DO think if people LIED less on their profiles they would get better results and have less drama in their dating life, but there are no laws or rules that states people can "dress up" their profile a bit. Just like a CV for jobs.
Someone who still lives with an ex would be a no-go for me too. Instantly. Just, no thanks. The potential for drama is too big. And the reason WHY they live together? Either BOTH of them have bad financials, or issues with boundaries, or and odd view of relationships or they aren't really "done". And I agree with no, to chatting. Toss him back and move on.
In this guy's case, I can see why he wouldn't put that on his profile. Most SMART women would avoid dating someone in a similar situation and he KNOWS that. He isn't dumb. He might "seem" like he isn't looking for casual, but again if he "tailored" his profile to make him look like a good catch, maybe it's also tailored to "attract" women who aren't looking for casual (even if he is) because he can ALWAYS pull a .. my life is a little to complicated right now, or.. I'm not really over my ex ya-da ya-da once he gets a woman hooked for some "fwb".
This is why I say go on dates early on and ask questions, talk and get to know the other person. So many people carry on texting and IM'ing online that they FEEL they know the person and feels BAD if they find out these kind of details.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks both. Asking up front, on the first email, doesn't do much good. I waited a week to find out about this guys situation and then I flushed.
He knows I'm not looking for 'casual'; he doesn't seem to be either but who the heck knows?
I threw him back in the pond - let him find someone willing to tackle his weird situation. Just feel he should either be upfront or not be dating at all!
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (15 April 2014):
 I think a person who still lives with their ex (assuming she really is his ex) is only looking for a casual arrangement with someone who wants the same thing and doesn't care about his personal circumstances.
If he really wanted to find a new life partner, he'd wait until he was well and done with the old one.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (14 April 2014):
 I don't think people are entitled to tell you about their lives until you actually ask them. It might of been personal to him or he might of been worried once he said that women would go off him, which is kind of what happened. However this is what the internet is like, dating sites are full of liars and cheats, and I find a big thing to do before you go onto dating sites is to think why a certain is on there. I always say if someone resorts to a dating site you should always ask first why they are on there, because to go on a dating site means that you may have problems with dating off the internet. Some people might be on a dating site for something innocent, such as they can't find anyone new to meet, or they want to broaden there searching, however others might be on there because no one they know will take them on because they have done this or that. So I think it saves a lot of time and effort if you ask them first why they are there. However even then they could lie, and that's a risk you have to take when signing up for these sites. That someone you are talking to could be a complete liar, or even someone else! So i'm afraid for now you will have to carry on sifting through bullshit before you find a decent enough person, but if you don't feel this is for you then you will have to leave dating sites. And yes this is a pretty big thing, I wouldn't trust someone who still lived with the mother of their child just because I couldn't take their word if they said nothing was happening between them, not to mention I think it would be too much temptation. Good Luck x
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