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female
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anonymous
writes: I’m not sure about my feelings for a guy and wanted to clear them up by writing this out.Basically I’ve had a few friendship problems this year – I’ve just finished college but in my first year I was so absorbed in my first boyfriend that I missed out on getting into friendship groups and when we broke up I was left quite lonely and vulnerable.Anyway at work there’s been a random group of us that go out… I never really got on with them before because it’s such a random mix of people but now I have gotten to know one of the guys and we talk on MSN every day. He’s confided a lot of stuff in me about another guy he has feelings for… I’ve advised and been a friend about this but I think I’ve started to have feelings for him!I can’t decide whether I just miss having someone to talk to, to cuddle and touch and to make your problems better or whether I would like a relationship from him…. I’m not sure I find him particularly physically attractive but he has a very sweet personality. However he is definitely in love with another guy so there’s not really much point in investing these feelings in him I suppose. I’m also worried about the intensity of how often we talk and whether this is natural progression for a normal friendship? He’s also very lonely and has had problems at uni with friends so do you think we are just 2 lonely souls looking for solace in each other because that sounds really sad to me. It’s a very pathetic thing to be asking advice for but I’d really appreciate any other people’s thoughts on the matter.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (20 June 2006):
 Well there's nothing wrong with you having a close friendship with him, whatever else happens. There's nothing sad about you two 'looking for solace': all of us need solace at different times in our lives and for many reasons. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and certainly you're not pathetic for asking for advice here.
I moved to another country for work and didn't know anyone when I arrived. I was definitely lonely and the couple of friends I made at work were very important to me. This includes a lesbian woman who has become and remains a good friend: rather a similar situation to you (by the way, a homosexual friend can be a really good source of sex tips!). It took a few years for me to build up a new (small) circle of frends, and at times was very tough indeed. It happens to many of us in our lives.
In a way it doesn't really matter if you want a relationship with him. He is gay, so it's not going to happen, but it also means you can have a close non-sexual relationship with him that you can't really have with a heterosexual man (where sex tends to get in the way). Once you meet the right guy for you then you should find your sexual energy getting redirected.
Think of him more like a girlfriend. It's good to share with him, and its good to become closer and better friends. Don't sweat the details, and don't worry about letting your emotions go a bit. That's what friends are for too, not just boyfriends. Don't worry about what is 'normal' or not, there is no right way to be friends. Just go with it and have fun.
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