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male
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*Mauder05
writes: Hi, my name is Jeff and my girlfriend recently broke up with me, about a month ago. I have a broken leg so I am stuck in the house...which brings me to asking for help from anyone I can. My relationship with my ex girlfriend was great for me, but not for her. We were and still are truely in love, but I, for the last few months have been hurting her and kind of didn't even know it. We would argue and I would end up getting mad and calling her a name that I knew hurt her, and sometimes she would cry and for a while I was too stubborn to comfort her. Eventually I would feel for her and I would hold her and apolagize. I also kept her from hanging out with her friends, want her all for myself. So now that she has broken up with me and gets to hang out with her friends, she probably feels relieved. Another bad thing I did was...instead of telling her how sexy she was when she went out, I would say something like "your boobs r hangin out" "why do u want other guys seein u like this?" She has told me while we would be upset how bad it made her feel but I guess since we were bnoth upset at the time, I kind of just thought saying sorry would fix it, but it would always happen again. Now I understand how she must've felt and I feel so horrible for doing these things to her. She feels that if she gave me another chance that I would do the same things, but honestly I wouldn't because I finally realize the pain I caused her. Now I could think, well I learned from this and will know how to handle my next relationship. But truth is, She was great and I know we could have the best relationship if she gave our love one more chance. Now I could also think that I just have to show her my point of view without just saying it. But how do I do that? I don't know if time would be better to make her miss me, or it might make her FEEL that she is still on her way to finding something better. I just don't know what to do...all I can do is sit here and hope...Any advice would be highly appreciated.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 July 2006):
 Whatever happens, it's unlikely to happen soon, so be patient.
Looking at your breakup from the outside, I'd say that you were feeling insecure about her feelings for you, and your verbal abuse was your way of trying to dent her self-confidence, so she'd feel worthless to anyone else and would therefore stay with you.
I'm sorry that's so terse, but that's what it looks like.
Right now, your ex is probably revelling in the freedom to enjoy her social life without feeling judged and put down. Remember, when the two of you were a couple, you made her feel bad, then resisted apologising, so a good portion of the responsibility belongs to you.
Ironically, she might not have broken up with you if you'd been less insecure and less afraid she'd break up, but there you go. Water under the bridge.
It's going to be a while before she has a chance to get rid of her cooped-up feeling, and can reflect on what her life is like now that you're not together. That's why you need to be patient.
When she has a chance to think back on the good bits -- as well as the bad times -- of your time together, she might decide that it wasn't all bad, and think to look you up again. If that happens, you'll have had a few weeks or months to think about how you put your foot in it before, and how not to make those same mistakes again. It sounds to me like you understand what you did wrong, but you're going to need to unlearn the bad behaviours and be confident that you won't do it again.
Try to learn about disagreeing in a civil manner. Practice positive reinforcement comments (even with yourself, because your ego could probably use some boosting). Remind yourself what went wrong and have a plan on how not to let it get out of control again.
In the meanwhile, you need to continue living your life. As far as any of us can see, that relationship is now history. Even though she *might* give you a chance again in future, it's not good odds, so assume it's over, and fill your hours with other projects. Preferably hobbies and interests that make you feel good.
She knows where you live and you can be sure she'll be in touch if she wants to be, but you have to give her time to decide whether she's willing to give you another chance.
A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (7 July 2006):
hi ok i am going to be honest she probably was thinking to herself the relationship was over a while ago but just could not say i am in basically the EXACT position you are and after constant chats etc.. i have realised she is happier without me, she loves being single going out, although she probably still loves you shes prob not in love with you, my advice is if you really think you can work let her know but respect her decision but be prepared as she may say she is happier now and that can hurt. Good Luck
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