A
female
age
36-40,
*hatnoir
writes:I was with my ex boyfriend for a little over two years in a semi long distance relationship (he lives about a four hour trip away from me). During that time, we broke up once for several months because of several reasons we constantly struggled with throughout the relationship. Mostly, he was quite selfish and I always felt like the agenda of our relationship always revolved around his schedule - and he is a very busy guy! His main reason was that he had previously been in a ten year relationship in which he gave everything to and lost, and so had come to a point in his life where he wanted to focus on his own life. I always felt like I was giving more, making more compromises, and when I asked for more I was accused of being needy, demanding, etc... I knew that if I did not make those compromises, the relationship would end because he would not make them for me. When we got back together the second time, I was somewhat wary but decided to give things another shot. I held some resentment and wondered if he had really changed, but often it seemed like he hadn't. I was very unhappy and towards the end of the second time we really broke up, I met another guy who is very wonderful. When my ex and I finally broke up, I was ready to leave him for good, no longer willing to make those big compromises when he wasn't as willing-- but a few weeks in he has told me that he really wants to change and is ready to make me happy and give me what I want. I have communicated with him and seen him a bit, and it really does seem like he is putting in a lot of effort into wanting to make the relationship work, giving me all the things I wanted .... in the past! In the meantime, I feel like I have fallen in love with the other guy... but I feel stuck. I feel like i owe the first relationship another chance because we have so much history... but when I am with him I no longer feel like I used to although I do deeply love and care for him still. Should I stick it out with the first relationship which has gone through so many ups and downs and which I had been committed to for so long, and forgive him and give it another chance and see if I can re-fall in love? Or should I give the new guy a chance? With the guy I have recently met, it is so obvious that despite his faults, he is really selfless and very in love with me and I would never have to feel like I really need to "ask" things from him, because he is so giving with his love. Help!
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broke up, got back together, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chatnoir +, writes (26 May 2008):
chatnoir is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still somewhat stuck in the problem, but thank you all for your advice! My close friends and family have expressed similar opinions. I have been spending time with ex a little, but continue to be worried and things are definitely just not the same since he can tell I don't feel the same way about him as I used to. Anyways, you've all provided good points and they support what I have been leaning towards in my heart... but am finding so hard to do!
A
male
reader, jezman  +, writes (23 May 2008):
 To me
it seems like your ex is finding hard to move on.
he cannot let go therefore he has convinced himself that he will change. The relationship will be forced though, if you chose him then you will find that for the first month or two he will try and try to please you but it will gradualy slip back to you being his agenda.
you say you have fallen in love with you new boyfriend and he is loving, caring and selfless. :) he sounds like a great boyfriend stay with him because he is being himself unlike your ex you is trying to change himself to be with you instead of finding a girl who is right for him.
your ex is just going to drag you down with his breakup.
dont fall for it.
so, answering the question, give this new guy a chance and do not let your ex drag you down :)
best of luck
jez x
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Human beings are creatures of habit.
They prefer the familiar things or surroundings.
If they are creatures of the night ,
they will always be creatures of the night.
Would you prefer the original or the clone?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Like this one song use to say: love the one your with.
I think you should make the current relationship work and forget the other, it is now in the past.
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A
female
reader, x_kat_x +, writes (21 May 2008):
obviously this is a decision you have to make yourself but here are a few inputs:
even if the old guy has changed theres a good chance he could slip back into old habits with time
dont feel you have to go back to the old one just because you have history remember you can make history with the new guy
you say the new guy really loves you and you have no doubt about this. if this is true then surely he is the better option seen as there is always going to be doubt with the old guy as his past isn't brilliant.
xxx
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