A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, I'd just like to say that student/lecturer relationships aren't illegal or anything over here and we're both adults. Secondly, I think this is more just to get things off my chest but any advice would be appreciated too. If anyone's been in a similar situation or knows what to do, that'll be great.I'm in my second year at university and have known my lecturer since the beginning of first year (so September 2009). It's quite a close-knit university so we know all the lecturers quite well. This lecturer and I became quite close and I felt he was someone I could come to for advice, talk to about anything, and we'd become friends almost. Recently, it seems like something's changed though - mainly how I feel about him. It's almost as if I've come to relying on him always being there and find comfort in his words. Every time I'm upset about something, I wish that I could see him and just be with him because he always knows what to say. I feel like I need to see him and it actually hurts when I can't. I feel like I know him well too. I just know when he's having a bad day, however much he tries to hide it. I always know when there's something wrong and I try my best to make him genuinely smile when he's having one of those days. It even hurts me to see him upset and I just want to be there for him, comfort him. I don't think I've ever cared about anyone this much. I really just want him to be happy (as cliché as that sounds).He's always been trustworthy and respectful towards me. He's not one of those lecturers who makes sexual comments towards his students or looks at them in a predatory way. I know he's not perfect and I'm not trying to put him on a pedestal. I can see him for who he really is and I can accept everything about him. This isn't just some sexual attraction - there's an emotional connection here. The problem is it's really not as simple as just telling him how I feel. I really can't tell how he feels about me, whether he feels any attraction towards me, whether he's at all interested. I say this because he tends to treat his students equally. He's nice and friendly towards everyone and genuinely cares about his students. He's the one that everyone can approach because he doesn't judge them. I suppose I'm closer to him than most of the other students are but I don't know if he just sees this as a friendship or something more. Should I tell him how I feel? Wait for him to say something? See where this goes? (Sorry if I'm all over the place, I really can't think straight at the moment)
View related questions:
university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Nabila_M  +, writes (15 April 2012):
I understand how hard it may be... and although it is unethical, it can happen. You can tell him, but you are risking...... thats will always be part of love, risk. Just be prepared and if you are mature enough, you will know to react maturely. There is nothing wrong with two mature adults having a relationship, but only if he is not lecturing you, or you are not in the same environment, its fine.
Or you can just wait until you finish university - I hope everything is okay with you now!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I can't believe how much this sounds like my situation...I to am a second year university student and have the exact same problem..But unfortunately, its a road I don't want to go down, yes me and this lecturer flirt and he has invited me for drinks at the uni bar etc but they haven't happened as of yet!he is 24 years older than me, single and has no kids, and even though it isn't illegal its still wrong to pursue it further... I care about him and visa versa, he knows straight away just by looking at me when I am down or upset and the same for me... for example when I had him for lecture he told everyone he was just tired, I wasn't fooled because I know him so well, so I approached him at the end of the lecture when people were going home and he confessed that he was indeed upset and obviously he told me why... I didn't want to leave him on his own but he is a big boy plus he knows where I am :)I would never take it further as I don't want to risk his career especially with the state of this economy... and the fact jobs these days are hard to find especially with businesses going into liquidation and the amount of redundancies rising rapidly etc. (yes I happen to be a business student) the best thing to do is finish your degree without any distractions and if at graduation you still feel the same talk to him about it :)good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): At every UK university I can think of there is a policy describing relationships between students and staff. You'd be well advised to read it, as -- unlike at school -- both staff *and* students are expected to adhere to it, with professional penalties for both for non-compliance.
Having said that, I know several couples that were once staff and student. They just played things very cool until they were clear of the policy (eg, the student had finished their studies or one of them changed universities). "Playing it cool" was done by a tacit acknowledgement that they would wait for each other, in one of the cases without that ever being discussed between them.
You might want to tentatively raise with your friend that you are attracted to him, and would like to know if he might be available once you conclude your studies.
Be prepared to discover that you have read too much into his friendliness. I am a male professor and that has happened to me twice -- to save such embarrassment I now offhandly mention my love for my wife in the first lecture of the year.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2011): I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I'm only being honest.
1. Do you even know if he's in a relationship? Just because he doesn't wear a ring doesn't mean he's not committed to someone else.
2. Do you realize how big of a deal--should you get your way and anything happen between you--it would be in his professional life for him to be in a relationship with a student? Furthermore, it seems rather possible to me that his work contract says that regardless of legality, he's forbidden from dating his students. I'm just saying it's a possibility, and regardless, issues with his coworkers are definitely likely.
3. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher before? When I was in middle school, I had butterflies like you wouldn't believe for TWO YEARS over my gym teacher. But I was never so blinded as to think I was in love with the guy! Likewise, to this day I still have hot professors on occasion, but I just look at it with a level head and realize I have a crush. No. Big. Deal. The fact that he's in a position of authority over you can probably partly explain your "feelings" for him. Psychologists have said this again and again.
4. I don't know about in the UK, but here in the US, at least in my experience, if a professor likes you he'll make it very known depending on where you go to school. He'll invite you for drinks, invite you to his house, etc. Yet you're saying your prof has done nothing like that!
5. So what in the hell will you do when your professor says, "umm, I can understand what you're saying, Miss, but unfortunately, I have a girlfriend. Furthermore, I'm not too keen on entering relationships with my students; that simply isn't professional."
you: "but, but, but I feel so emotionally connected to you! I know when you're having a good day. I know when you're having a bad day. You'd think I'm your wife I know you so well!"
him thinking, and perhaps even saying: "psycho *** *****. Stalker. Freak. Get away from me. Have you been watching me outside school or something?"
If I were your professor, I'd be creeped out if my student came up to me and confessed what you just said. I, too, am a college student.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 February 2011):
 Dear OP
In your first line you say "I'd just like to say that student/lecturer relationships aren't illegal or anything over here and we're both adults."
I work at a University, and what you consider to be perfectly ok - is in fact VERY frowned upon within the professional community.
You may both be adults, and over the legal age of consent, BUT this is not an appropriate relationship to be having.
The main reason for this is to protect YOU as students. ANY teacher, be they school, university lecturer or professor are in a position of power. IF he has anything to do with teaching you, in any form, taking you in lessons, seminars, or marking your work, it is unacceptable. Favouritism could creep in, or the possibility of a teacher using sex for grades. The majority of Universities frown upon student/staff relationships due to this issue.
In fact, often even staff/staff relationships are frowned upon as it is considered detrimental to working policy.
You then have the issue that other students could take offense at a relationship - they might feel you were getting special treatment. It could cause problems, there could be complaints. This would lead to internal investigations, your tutor being put on report. All his actions and movements studied and noted. ALL his marking would then be moderated by an external marker to show you were not getting preferential treatment - or influencing others to mark you higher, or that he has been giving you the answers.
If this kind of scandal gets out, it can cause great problems for Departments - if there is even a whiff of unfair treatment, then ratings go down, students are less likely to want to study there, if pupil numbers fall, so does funding. In the current climate, the likelihood is, if the Department was brought into disrepute, he would be fired for inappropriate conduct.
Then there is the issue of what happens IF you break up. What do you do then. It would be difficult. How could you learn and do your best with that hanging over you?
You see this man as a valid suitor. In reality, he isn’t. He should be totally off limits.
As tutors and lecturers we are there to be approachable. We are friendly - its not like school. Yes we are social with our students. We do interact with them - BUT we would never consider having a relationship with them. Its more than our jobs worth!!! If anything we almost see our students as our children. We are there to listen to problems - we care about you! For many students it is their first time away from home. They are lost, many struggle with this, and they need a friendly face and someone to listen. We are there to help guide them through the transition from child to independent adult.
I am guessing this man is MUCH older than you? If he is a Dr he would be at least 30? He is in a completely different place in his life. Do you even know if he is single? Many lecturers keep their private lives private – they will not share it with students. Once you finish Uni, you will leave, move away, having to look for work. He will stay – he has a Lecturing post, you have NO IDEA how difficult these are to get now. Universities are cutting staff left, right and centre. There is NO WAY he would jeopardise his job for you.
I can give you an example - I mainly teach First Year undergrads, and over the course of the year, yes you do get to know the students on a more friendly level. But that is all it is. Nothing more. I do not socialise or hang out with them. They know if they have a problem, they can come and talk to me.
Essentially what I am trying to say is that he is JUST being friendly. He is being nice, caring. He is not interested in you. You say yourself that he treats you all the same, I suspect it is just his way. There will always be the teacher who all the students love. He is one of them.
Concentrate on your studies, work hard and forget about this lecturer.
Good luck!
Tiger
...............................
|
