A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and cheated on him a few months ago. I love him dearly and cant stand the thought of loosing him over such a stupid mistake. We are now talking about finding a house as an investment property and really taking a big step in our relationship. I'm just wondering is it worth bringing up what happened in the past even though nothing can be done about it? Is it worth telling him what happened only to hurt his feeling and unburden myself. Should i just take this to my grave and try to forgive myself for what i have done and take this experience as one of the biggest lessons learned in life. I just want to know is it really necessary to bring this up if he hasn't asked or suspected it? is it worth bringing it up if i know in my heart how much it will hurt him? Is it worth bring it up if it is going to acheive nothing but bitter feelings? Life is more than living in the past so should i just leave it there and focus on living a happy lift with my bf? am i really such a horrible person for making one of the biggest mistakes ever? am i really such a bad person if i feel so much guilt to the point when almost looking at my boyfriend and the thought of loosing what we have makes me breakdown. I know that everyone thinks once a cheater always a cheater but i promise i will never do it again. i know you will say i shouldnt have got myself into such a situation but do you know what, i did and i had very little control of what happened. Heck i dont even remember what happened i just know it did. Is it ok to blame my own stupidity for allowing myself to get so intoxicated to the point of no return. i need someone to tell me that its ok and im not a bad person... can someone please forgive me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, vsnod  +, writes (27 August 2008):
 Thank you for the feedback! I know what you are going through with wondering what it would be like to date other people. It's a natural thing to wonder about. I know for me, I needed more life experiences to be happy with my choice of a partner. But my parents married at 19 and they will have their 30 year wedding anniversary in January, so everyone is different. My sister must be more like my parents too, because she married the guy she had been dating since she was 14! Although with her, she split from her guy for a short time in college, then they got back together. No matter what you decide to do, things like this have a way of working out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys..
To Vsnod, i have been with my boyfriend since i was 15 and he is almost 22 now so he is the only guy i have had a relationship with and sometimes i do wonder what it would be like with someone else. I often ask him about his feelings on this and he is determined i am the one for him. Also if the situation was reversed im not sure that i would want to know all the details as long as he has promised himself to never do it again. On the STDs out of respect for my boyfriend i went and had a pap smear and also a blood test for everything, it all came back clear. I dont think my boyfriend has a chance of finding out because none of my friends know what happened, i havent spoken to anyone about this and i thought perhaps the internet could help me express my feelings, also the other guy knows that he also did the wrong thing by taking advantage of the situation so i doubt he will go around saying anything, we also have a completely different circle of friends my friends dont mingle with his etc so if he did find out i would be blown away. In saying that though if he was ever to ask me about it i would have to come forth and tell him the truth but for now i think its better left unsaid. Any underlying issues i think can be discussed separately which we have done, as we have had issues like you could imagine. Anyways thanks for your help greatly appreciated.
To Collaroy,
Thanks for your advice but we aren't planning on moving in together just yet we want to buy a house to rent out while still living with our parents which will mean we will only be putting X amount of money towards it a month. But you're right it is a big commitment to make and im not sure if im ready.
Thanks again :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): The same train of logic that says it's better not to tell him about this, also leads to the idea that it's better never to talk about any cheating as long as you think you can keep them from finding out.
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (26 August 2008):
It's not necessarily a selfish thing if she told her boyfriend the truth.
If I was cheated on I would want to know for several reasons. First, if there is a problem in the relationship that may have lead to the cheating, then both people need to work on that. Like if you are worried about getting into a mortgage with your boyfriend, etc. I would also be concerned about STDs. You could have got something from this guy and not know it yet. Some things take a few months before symptoms appear. And if this is really bothering you, it will affect the relationship if you tell him or not. Most likely he would eventually notice that something was wrong. Lastly, what if he finds out from someone else? Better to hear it from you than through a friend of a friend. Good luck with what ever you decide. I hope it works out like you want it to.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (26 August 2008):
 Hi,
I think you have two problems here. One the cheating, the other the settling down with your boyfriend.
And I believe they are both linked.
On the first point, no I dont believe you should tell your boyfriend, I always feel if the person who cheated is determined to never do it again it is a selfish act to bring your loving partner into your torment. It may work out for the better for you in the long run it may not, but its still all about your feelings not his. You should learn to deal with this on your own and look towards the future if you have one together .
With that in mind, you say you are 18-21? Are your really ready to settle down with a mortgage just yet? It seems very young and you will be faced with all sorts of pressures when you do, pressures which put couples under a lot of strain and really test the relationship. Perhaps the cheating so only 4 months ago was a subconscious reaction to the fear of knowing that soon you will be settling down for good and your freedom will be gone. Money you previously spent on clothes, going out and luxury items starts going on bills and the mortgage. Your life changes dramatically.
I think this is the real issue here not the cheating. You need to stand back and assess are you really ready to commit yourself to this life change at such a young age.
Good luck - oh and you are not a bad person just someone whose life is being fast forwarded rather rapidly - maybe you're not ready for it yet.
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (26 August 2008):
Just try to think about what you would want if the situation was reversed. I think telling him would be the right thing to do. It was a mistake, and I think you are truly sorry, and many couples can work through these kinds of things. But any solid relationship needs to be built on trust and that is why I think you need to tell him. Yes the trust has been broken, but if you are honest with him it is possible to repair it. It will just take alot of time.
One question though. I went through a similar thing when I was 21. I cheated on my boyfriend of over 4 years. I came to realize that I was having doubts about the relationship becasue he was really the only serious one I had ever had. We broke up and I dated a couple of other people and then found the love of my life. I did love my first boyfriend too, but the person I am with now is a much better match for me and I'm much happier with him. Is it at all possible that this mistake happened because you are having doubts about your relationship?
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