A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:one of my friends can be really child like at times , acts silly , quite embarrassing and doesn't seem to think that her behaviour is child like .part of me thinks I should talk to her about this , but I feel she may not respond in the way I would like and if I do tell her I don't think she would alter the way she is .I don't particularly enjoying spending time with her as much as I would like and this frustrates me because I still wish I did look forward to seeing her. most of the tine I see her to get out my house , because I don't have a lot of friends myself and because I feel sorry for her because she doesn't have a lot of people to talk to and she has a difficult relationship with her parents , she never mentions how she is feeling or if any thing I bothering her but part of me thinks I should keep seeing her because I do think she is secretly sad a lot of the time and I do feel bad for seeing her even though I don't always want to . shes also in a relationship with a man in his 50s . so shes over 30 years younger then him and I do feel this can make our friendship hard at times because understandably I find it weird but I have slowly got used to it.any ways of telling how I feel , is it Worthing telling her or is there any ways I can still enjoy seeing her ? I have also felt this way about her friendship in over a year now and her child behaviour has not changed . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (30 August 2019):
 Sweetheart, while it's good that you feel empathy for your friend, it is not good for you to be seeing her purely for that reason, and because you have few other friends. You SHOULD look forward to seeing friends. It should not be a chore, as it appears this has become for you.
What is stopping you getting out and making new friends? What is your passion? Can you volunteer to help with something which you feel strongly about? That is a fantastic way to meet like-minded people and make new friends. Have you ever wanted to do a night class in something? Or join an amateur dramatic group? Or an art class? It doesn't matter WHAT you choose to do, as long as it is something you WANT to do. Expand your world and you should find more friends.
Your friend is the way she is. You cannot demand she changes, regardless of how she behaves. If you do make new friends and she asks why she does not see you much any more, you could tell her then, as gently as possible, why you don't enjoy going out with her. It is then up to her to do with that information what she wants.
The 50 year old "boyfriend" would ring alarm bells with me. I wonder if he encourages her in her "child like" behaviour as part of some fantasy and she just carries this on into other relationships? Do you think she is in any danger from him?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 August 2019):
 No, I don't think you should.
First, because I think it's nobody's place in life to give °unrequested° criticism to another person's way of being, unless this way of being translates into actions which are illegal, immoral,or self - destructive. Other than that, who are you to give her a personality make -over? You might tell her " You know, it bothers me when you are so childish and silly " and she would be entitled to answer you : " And it bother ME when YOU are this, that and that other ". Nobody is perfect; I am sure you have your flaws too, but yourS" friend " has not pointed them out.
Second, because if her childishness and silliness bother you so much , this is precisely because you two are not real friends, and not really compatible in terms of personality. You just get thrown together a lot because of convenience, loneliness, and lack of initiative ( for going out there and making new friends ). It's pretty clear from the way you talk about this friend that you don't actually appreciate her, you are just making do for lack of better
( And maybe she feels the same for you , who knows ). Which is not wrong per se, you have no obligations to like everybody and appreciate everybody
just because you live close to each other or move in the same social circles etc., it's totally fine if you realize you don't really " feel " her . But , at this point, why trying to change her into someone she is not, even if you succedeed… soon you'd find something else in her that grates on your nerves . Same as not every man will be your soulmate, so not every woman will be your best friend forever. The trick is not bossing people into changing their ways, the trick is to weed out , some time mercilessly, your social circle, and only keep those people you feel you can be with, without changing them. If very few , or none, fit this description, alas, it may be challenging, but you do need to seek new friendships.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (29 August 2019):
 Let's talk this through, shall we? Even if you had this long conversation with her, spelled everything on the line, and she were to accept what you said and broke up with this guy, changed her ways, and from this point forward never had an embarrassing moment again, you'd still not want to hang out with her.
You are like the woman who marries a man for his money, or to get away from her parents, or prestige, or to have kids, or to fulfill the fairy tale of having a marriage. You are USING her for companionship. You are not truly her friend. Friends aren't with other friends because they pity them, or because THEY don't have friends and don't want to be alone.
The person who really needs to change in this relationship is YOU. You should be her friend because you're interested in her and LIKE her as she is. You accept her, you like her differences, and while everyone has pet peeves or little annoyances about others, fundamentally they are on common ground. You are not, not because of her, but because of YOU. You have nothing in common with her, and that's on YOU.
If you want her to change and be better to hang out with, you need to BE a better friend! Be interested in what she's interested in. Celebrate her personality You two make each other better. If she embarrasses you in public or whatever, it's okay to say quietly "Don't!" or say nothing and act like she just farted in public, and she should be self-aware enough to notice that someone who ordinarily really likes her is uncomfortable by her behavior.
Otherwise, the only thing you should talk to her about is something specific right when it happens, such as in the future, ask her not to finish your sentences for you, or to speak really loudly, or please don't blow her nose at the dinner table or whatever. But telling her to grow up and she's too silly and a child, and BTW break up with your boyfriend? Not good. You do need to accept her too.
If you can't, you may need to look for another friend.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2019): Look OP, we all have annoying traits and character flaws. Until we have walked the walk, that another individual has had to live, we have no business pointing out, what we believe should be corrected in them. Now, how would you like to have an alleged friend, who is only your friend, because she pities YOU? Of course not: that would make you feel crappy! You have two options regarding your friend: either just disolve this so called friendship, OR Love her like a true friend, quirks, flaws and all! If you show this woman unconditional Love, you will see a change in her, and you will feel a change in your own heart! Also OP you should make other friends! Pursue your interests ie book clubs to befriend other readers, knitting groups, join a gym and make friends, churches have small group Bible study, form a prayer chain etc! There are so many places and ways to make friends! Btw, if you get involved in Bible study, you will become expert in unconditional Love! Bless You Friend!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2019): It's fine to remind her to be more mature when she's being a public-embarrassment; but at the same time, you have to be careful of being too critical of people when you yourself have few friends.
I think having a much older boyfriend sort of explains something about her. She seems to be going through another childhood; and being silly gives her a feeling of freedom, and it's probably a coping-mechanism. It's part of her charm and personality...being quirky! She seems to be having a daddy-issue thing going-on; if her boyfriend is 30 years older. I strongly suggest that you let that be. That's none of your business.
You said you don't particularly enjoy spending time with her. Then why are you using her? Maybe because she allows you to be you?
I don't think you should be telling her how to behave; if you really don't enjoy being around her. She doesn't need opinions from a make-believe friend. Do you really have a friendship, or do you need her when you're lonely and have no-one else you can turn to?
Maybe before telling her how immature she is, you might want to work on yourself first. You have few, or no other friends; and hurting her feelings when you know she is in the same boat doesn't make any sense. Rather than changing her, go find friends who don't require a makeover.
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