A
female
age
30-35,
*isingstar624
writes:Alright so here is my story. About a month ago I met a guy who wasn't my type, and is 9 years older than me. He is 28 and i'm 19 almost 20. Despite me not thinking anything would happen between us we had good conversation. A coffee date turned into dinner, which turned into a 1 1/2 makeout session. Since then we have been talking a lot and seeing each other as often as we can. My parents are not very supportive of this since i am recovering from severe depression that was closely linked with a failed relationship with an older man. I didn't want to be anything more than friends origionally but as time moves on i keep getting deeper and stronger feelings for him. Here is where it gets sticky. He was engaged about 8 months ago to a girl he was in a relationship with for 9 years. About 2 weeks ago he found out that she is pregnant with what is assumed to be his baby. He hasn't talked to her, he found out through his lawyer. We don't know how long she has been pregnant or if it is even his, if he will be able to be there for the kid or anything. He however knew this for 2 weeks while dating me and neglected to tell me. He says that he didn't know how to break it to me and he knew that by telling me he knew he would lose me. I don't know if i should trust him and give him a second chance. He comes with a lot of baggage but so does everyone right? I haven't really been looking at other guys lately which is new for me. Even when i'm interested in someone i tend to flirt with other guys still. I haven't even kissed anyone else since about the second week of dating him. We aren't exclusive and he knows that he is in the dog house but i just don't know. Do i give him another chance? Should I still date him even though he is going to have a kid and a lot of drama? Is it worth it? My parents and me have been fighting for a month just for me to be able to talk to him. I know they don't approve because they saw me cry and cry after he told me, via phone. And i said i was never going to talk to him again but as i spend time away from him all i can think about is him. What should i do?
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Who KNOWS how many times it will happen... and how much heartbreak you will have to endure... until you figure out that guys who have wives and other girlfriends aren't very good "boyfriends????"
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Why is he in a dog house? Because he found out he is having a baby?How is it his fault? He didn't tell u right away, as he was probably overcoming shock himself, it's not that much of deal, there was no due date for it ?It's not the age differences,in a long run it wouldn't matter, it's not that huge of a difference, it's a state of mind you are in. You sound like you are still with one leg in your childhood,and frankly you need someone in a same category also. It's not bad or good, it's just how it is. But, that would be a perfect situation, and as we all know life is not. Nothing matters when people found each other, and I can tell u from my own experience. life changes all the time.His girlfriend might have his baby, and he would be a good father to that baby, but still be with you. You never know
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): I would get out of this before you become too attached. The other aunts are rights about a baby might bring them back together again because 9 years with someone, his whole 20's were with her, is a lot of his life and big events he would have shared with her.
Try not to be involved with any one for a while, if you have suffered with severe depression that was linked to a guy then give yourself time to be strong and make your own happiness, you don't need a guy to bring happiness.
Yes everyone has baggage but at 19 you should be enjoying life not being weighed down by someone else's responsibilities.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 I think because you are still recovering from severe depression, and because he is not long out of a 9 year relationship then neither of you are ready to be in a relationship, with anyone never mind each other!
If this child turns out to be his, well it could easily pull him and his ex back together. 9 years is a very long time to be together, their bond will be strong and if you add a child into the mix, a lot of old feelings could come back. A man will always love the mother of his children, in one way or another - so you need to be very careful.
He only broke up with this woman a few months ago, and I know this might sound nasty but you could just be his rebound. I know it seems like he genuinely likes you but realistically he has not had enough time in between you and his ex to fully get over her. With the potential kid drama he is definitely going to get pulled back into dealing with her, so any feelings he has left over from the relationship could easily come flooding back.
And then there is you. Someone with severe depression, which was caused by a failed relationship with an older man. Can you spot a pattern developing here?
1. He is an older man (warning flags waving)
2. He has a lot of baggage
3. He is probably not over his ex.....
That is pretty much a recipe for another failed relationship with an older man isnt it?!
I honestly dont think you should be getting into ANY relationships until you are 100% over your depression. You are still vulnerable and not ready to get back into the world of relationships, you are not strong enough for that yet and it is not fair on any new partner to be with someone who is still recovering from severe depression.
It seems to me like you are trying to fill the void your last relationship left far too quickly with a new man, when what you really need is time alone to recover, to get used to being single and discover yourself again.
If in a few months time, when the child is born and paternity is sorted out, and you can safely say you are fully recovered from your depression, you want to pick up communication with this man, then so be it. But right now, it is a very, very bad idea and could easily pull you back into depression and set you back massively.
But for now, the best thing you can do for both you and this guy is to cut contact and be alone for a while. Recover in peace from your illness, take some time out from men and learn to be alone again. Let him sort his baggage out and get the situation with the ex and child sorted. You take time to get your head sorted and your illness as much out of your system as is possible with depression. Then re-evaluate the situation in a few months.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (16 May 2012):
 Short answer...no
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