A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:While I was in a long-distance relationship during graduate school, my boyfriend proposed to me. About a month or so later he confessed to buying another house and lying about it to me. This affected what I thought our relationship was (I thought he was my bf and that he would talk to me about major decisions - and that he wouldn't lie to me.) This caused me to question the relationship, and decreased the amount of verbal affection I provided over the telephone. (Although I have never been incredibly verbally affectionate in general.)Now that I have graduated, he has asked me to move to the city he is in, in the house that he bought, despite our previous conversations that he would move to whatever city I find work in. He says that we need to be in the same city to see "if we will work out." He doesn't say I love you unless I say it first, and says he's just tired of being the one to initiate things.A challenge I have is that I am looking for work now, and depending on how that search goes, I may find work in the coming weeks. So what do you think? Should I move to see if things will work out? How can I do that if he isn't willing to say I love you?Unfortunately, due to budget cuts the job market is not good where my fiancee lives now...
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (7 June 2009):
 It's a difficult call. Do you like the house he has chosen? Do you like the city? Could you be happy there? Will he support you while you look for work. If the answer to any of these is 'no' then perhaps you need to make a compromise arrangement.
This is probably not a good time to sell property but could be a great time to buy. One option is for you both to rent together at a mutually agreeable location and put his house up for rent.
Does any of this suggest options?
A
male
reader, Who +, writes (7 June 2009):
 You have got a lot of changes coming up. Psychologists who study stress list the life changes that cause the most. I think 3, 4 and 5 are starting a new job, moving to a new city, and moving in with you partner. So you should expect a lot of stress in your near future. And you should be ready for how this stress will affect your relationship with your boy friend. I assume your boyfriend is about the same age as you. I moved in with my future wife when I was 42 and she was 38, after a 5 year on-again-off-again long distance relationship. We had both lived by ourselves since collage and had never lived with a boy friend or girl friend before. We were both set in our ways after living independently for 20+/- years and not used to telling someone what we were going to do before we did it. It took a lot of getting used to and a lot of adjustments before we figured out how to accommodate each other. I suspect you are going to have to go through the same sort of things if/when you move in together. You will notice I have not answered any of your questions yet. That is only because I don’t know the answers. I do think though you two do need to live closer before you know if things are going to have to work out. In order for this to happen one of you may have to take a financial hit; he is going to have to sell or rent his just brought house, or you may have to settle for a second rate job. Or you could be “fair” and both take a hit, move ways from his house to a city with poor job prospects for you. If your romance works out you may find the financial hit was worth it. If it does not work out, well pick up the pieces and move on.And he is going to have to learn it is important to you to have him tell you how he feels. He may feel he is showing you in his actions, and notice this is not enough for you. He is a guy, this is the way we think. You are likely going to have to tell him what you need from him, and then it will be up to him to deliver.Looking on the bright side, if your relationship survives all the stress and changes you are now facing, it should be smooth sailing after that.Good luck and hope this helps.
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