A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have known my partner for 5 years, we have been living together for a year in a few weeks. He has had a difficult past with relationships and so have I but have made great progress. He has a son to a previous relationship which didnt work out and describes his ex as someone who cheated on him and took him for a ride.Due to this I haven't really pushed my feelings on the future,I have known for a very long time I love this man to death and I have known for a few months I would like to marry him, but made very little communication about my feelings due to his past, i was honestly just glad we had reached the point we had.However in the last few months my partner has voiced the opinion that he wishes to get married when we both stop studying (I finish in a year, him in two) I ignored it for a while but a few nights ago he was really serious about it so i took notice and started to come around to the idea that we could go that far.However last night whilst out with my family marriage was mentioned in a roundabout way (I dont have a relationship with my father, so i mentioned id have my grandfather walk me down the aisle and i mentioned the fact to my mother we had both said we wanted to get married in church) my partners attitude suddenly changed and he told me he wasnt ready for marriage at all, but he was ready for the next step in our relationship. I didnt understand this at all. His reasons seemed to be centred around that i would change my mind in a year or so.I was very angry, not because he doesnt want to get married yet as I had already accepted that before, but for the complete change in opinion overnight, and his reasons for why. Mentioning marriage in front of my family has happened plenty of times and I have voiced my opinions on what i would like before without this reaction. So why the change, or is it because it suddenly got very real for him?And more importantly what do I do now, it has created an atmosphere between us that is bound to lead to argument and I dont want that, so how can I diffuse the situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply its very informative and one of the best replies ive ever had on here. I confronted him about it and told him it was embarrasing in front of family for him to suddenly admit his fears, I understand his fear that i am going to change my mind because of his past but he cannot continue to pin his past on me.He is 5 years older than me, but admittedly has had a single carefree relatively responsibility free life until the last year (he had pretty much no contact with his child until i moved in with him so on so forth) so the young man thing does ring true despite the fact he is in his late 20's and probably more towards the atypical settling down age than I am.thank you you have given me a lot to think about
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2009): It is possible that he had an unexpected change of attitude hearing you talk about specific details of your wedding day, which has made him even more conscious of the gravity of the event and general reality. If he had unpleasant past experiences relationship-wise he may be somewhat frightened of building a long-life connection, that might just prove fragile in time. By expecting you to change your mind he is finding a pretext for the relationship to fail. He needs this pretext in order for him not to be taken by surprise. He may thus be a bit of a commitment phobic. If this is the case, he seems to have a potential to change since he has suggested marriage before, if he truly meant this at the time. What you should do is start by thoroughly discussing this issue with him. First of all point out that, despite of the fact you are sure he didn't mean any harm, his change of attitude while other people were present put you in an embarassing position. You should not agree to marriage until you know he is certain of this step. With commitment phobics, they latch on to every pretext that validates that fear. So I suggest that you don't make silly mistakes such as being too proud to talk this over or not keeping the talk within polite parameters. But it is on the other hand OK to imply that no relationship is perfect and to allow him a limit time to think. Bring him to talk about how he feels, and do the same. If he has suddenly had a change of mind, these are based in these cases usually on paradoxical fears, thoughts that do not have a logical basis, pondering over them should bring more sense and relaxation. Careful about the 'next step'. This can mean 'engagement' and from engagement until marriage this can mean another 5 years! Don't imply that you feel OK by not knowing what he wants for you for the long run. You must eventually know where you stand. If he is of a similar age this can also play a major part. Men at young ages don't feel ready to take a relationship to the next level mostly because they feel they can yet improve on their life / sexual experience at this age. Take into account how your relationship is in general apart from this episode. You too, may find reasons to slow the enthusiasm down and find other aspects to work on / improve in your relationship. I found you a few tips / top things men that don't commit dislike. These are to be avoided by both partners:http://ezinearticles.com/?Commitment-Phobic?--Top-Reasons-He-Wont-Commitid=2422907All the best.
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