A
female
age
30-35,
*rie4lyfe
writes:My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years and I’m still afraid to get married. He purposed at 6 months and I said yes because at the time things were going good but as time progressed it seems to have gotten worse. We are so different. He’s very quiet and I’m the talker. I lead all conversations, I take care of the finances, he doesn’t want to go to college though we are barely getting by living paycheck to paycheck. He pays half the rent and that’s it. He doesn’t like my Chrildren and doesn’t want to be bothered with them. So I basically feel that I’m raising the kids while he just works and comes home and wants to eat and that’s it. The Sex sucks he is just so quiet and doesn’t say anything during sex it feels like I’m having sex with a brick wall plus he’s thin and I feel his pelvic bone and it’s just uncomfortable because he’s very tall and I’m very short. I have three children he has none though my youngest calls him dad as we got together when I was pregnant. Our relationship is hard as nothing besides our physical attraction has come natural. We have to work at everything. I don’t know if I’m just overthinking it and should just get married but most days I find myself unhappy and wanting different but then other days I feel bad that he has been 7 years patient and I’m still unsure. I don’t know if marriage is right for me if I’m this afraid to do it after 7 years. My fiancé really wants to be married and his mother is pressuring us telling us we are living in sin. I don’t know what to do should I just get married just to avoid living in sin? Or wait or leave all together I just don’t know. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2022): I am taking the stance that you wrote this in a burst of desperate negativity.
You are afraid to get married and you need to ask yourself why?
Did your parents have a troubled relationship when you were young?
Are you terrified that he will want to squander your money behind your back?
Technically Im suggesting to you to give it a go.
Just have a small registry office day and go home and eat pizza and experiment with being happy.
I feel so sorry for your guy hearing that his hips are so slim that his bones stick through.
Can you at least get him to double his portion sizes and eat more substantial meals.
I know that there are women our there who covet that skinny look in a guy!
But just maybe he needs to eat a few more pizzas and pies and happy food.
Your youngest calls him dad but you now seem to dispise him!
oh dear, what a terrible mess it seems right now...but I have known many 'successful ' couples who have been through endless situations of hell and back and still come out smiling.
On the plus side of things he is not violent.
The sex was good once before he got so skinny working his butt off for you presumably.
He doesnt drink excessively.
His crime is the sex life has become stale as it so frequently does after seven hard years.
And he isnt asking you to have a baby for him but accepts your daughter as his
own.
Life has become stale for you.
Covid years were hard for everyone so you can wipe two years out of your calculation.
But what about you?
Do you ever smile at him?
I think your fella has the status of a bedsharing lodger and this is what his mum is picking up on.
She wants you to shit or get off the pot.
If you ditch him she will be there for him and he will take his skinny arsed self and meet someone new.
Perhaps that is the kindest thing to do as you dont seem to attach any value to him at all.
He is quite capable of meeting someone who would give him some children of his own and his mum could be a legitimate granny rather than a permanent granny- in- waiting.
I expect youve been using contraceptive these last seven years so his seed has fallen on barren ground all that time.
No wonder his mum wants to sort it out once and for all.
She has assumed that her son is your mister wonderful but if she knew that you see him as just a bleeding nuisance she would pay him to leave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2022): Read your post to yourself twice. The first time silently; then read it aloud the second time for the contents to resonate. Listen to what your own common sense and your heart are telling you. I don't understand why you've written a post about it, when you've given no reasons why you should?
This seems to me like he's just there because you've got to have a man; regardless of whether he's a good-man, or a bad-one. Do you assume that's better than having no man at all??? My dear, you can do bad all by yourself, and you already have three children to support. He's basically your fourth. You mention nothing about child-support from the father of the children you've birthed. Assuming they are all fathered by the same man. That's another story, I would assume.
You gave a list of very important cons; but you didn't list any pros that affirm marrying him would be what you want to do, or would be the right thing to do. That being said, let me ask you a question.
Why would you marry a man who doesn't love your three children, after 7 years to grow attached to them as his own? That should be one of the most important priorities in deciding on whether to make him your husband. From what I gather, you don't even like the guy, let alone "love" him. He's like a bad-habit that's hard to break. An addiction that you can't beat. There's no upside to his presence in your life, or the lives of the children. If any of them are female, what kind of message are you sending her/them about healthy relationships and marriage? You would be making a decision that affects their lives, as well as your own!
Who needs a loveless father, or a lousy husband??? To top it off, he sucks in bed!!! Not in a good way, anyhow!
I presume you're worried that being over 30, with three kids makes dating difficult. I would also assume you feel obligated to marry the guy who has actually asked you to marry him; because you're not sure if anyone else will ever do that. You probably can't imagine how long it would take before you'd get this opportunity again? What is the point of a marriage you know in advance it will never work?
If you want my opinion, and that's all it is, I would say you give no convincing argument that justifies marrying the man.
He misses too many important requirements to qualify as a father, or a husband. You'd just be marrying to be married; hence, you'd also be setting yourself up for a divorce soon afterward. That would be illogical on all levels.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 October 2022):
 I think you are unsure for a reason.
That reason is that you KNOW deep down that this isn't working out.
He doesn't like your children?!! That should be a total deal breaker! At least to me. I get that he might not feel super connected to them but you and the kiddos are a package deal!
Your kids are growing up learning that they aren't LOVED by the father figure in their life and they SEE and absorb the dynamics between you and him thinking THIS is how you have a relationship.
I don't think you should marry him. I don't think you should wait any longer either - wait for what exactly? For you to completely change? Or for him to completely change? It's not realistic. It's not going to happen.
For YOUR sake and for the sake of your kids, I think you should leave.
Are the father (fathers) of your children involved at all? Do they help financially?
While no one is "happy" 24/7/365 you find yourself unhappy and wanting something different. You don't say WHAT exactly that is but it doesn't seem to be HIM.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (20 October 2022):
 As i was reading your post I noticed that everything to do with this relationship was negative, there was not one positive. I think that just on this basis alone is enough reason not to tie the Knot with him. Infact I think you have listed all the reasons not to marry him.
Do you think if you married him because you think its's the right thing to do that things will all of a sudden change and things will get better?. If anything I think things will get worse.
By your own admission you say that you are unhappy some days want different.
At the end of the day your children and your health and well being are most important. I feel that this relationship is toxic, and is bringing you down. My advice would be not to marry him, and to get out while you can and seek a different better life for you and your kids.
Although I think in your heart of hearts I believe that you know that this is the right option as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (20 October 2022):
 What would you wait for? What do you think will change for the better after 7 years?
Ask yourself this: is this how I want to spend the NEXT seven years and more of my life?
I think you already know the answer but are just afraid to cut loose and make the break. The fact this man cannot be bothered with making any effort to connect with your children is damaging to THEM. They will assume they are not worthy of being loved and will go through life allowing people to treat them in a similar way, like they don't matter.
You and your children deserve better.
And it has ZILCH to do with his mother. Tell her to keep her nose out.
...............................
|
