A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'd like some advice on how to get my heart to listen to my head, or whether I should carry on as I am. A month ago, I split up with my bf of 9 years. We were happy for 7 years, lived together for 5 years, but then split up in May 2008 when I found out he was "messing around" with a female work colleague after finding texts on his cellphone (he'd been cagey about his phone for months, snapping at me, and something felt wrong). So at that time, he said he needed some space to work out what he wanted from life, and moved out. We stayed in touch, meeting up as friends, and 9 months on, we got back together - he said he'd realised he couldn't imagine not having me in his life, that he wanted us to get married and have kids one day, etc etc. We worked on our problems, and just enjoyed spending time with each other. I gradually learnt to trust him again, and felt I loved him more than ever... until June this year, when I was at his house, making his breakfast, heard a cellphone ringing in one of the kitchen drawers, and discovered he had a secret cell phone, and had been texting 3 random girls with explicit messages for the last 3 weeks. I felt really sick, confronted him, and he broke down in tears, begged my forgiveness, said he had just felt stressed at work and lonely, which is why he sent those messages, that he'd never actually spoken to/met the girls... he seemed distraught and I spent a week or two just making sure he was ok emotionally. So then, having begged me not to leave, 2 weeks on he says he wants us to split again, as he again doesn't know what he wants from life, doesn't think he wants a girlfriend, but loves me and wants me to stay part of his life... So I was heartbroken for the 2nd time. We had no contact at all for a few months, which was so hard. I missed him so much, and cried myself to sleep every night for 6 weeks (sounds pathetic, I know). Then we met up last weekend - the first contact since the split. He said he missed me and loved me, but was still confused, and just wants to keep me as his closest friend for now. I was so happy to see him, and I've felt happy all week (with no further contact since the weekend). I guess I never really tried to get over him when he first split up with me (I did date someone else briefly, but I knew it meant nothing). I kinda feel ok with things as they are (me in limbo) but I know I'd be devastated if he decides that he never wants us to get back together, or if he starts seeing another girl. I have never loved anyone like I love him. The past 9 years can't just disappear into insignificance, can they? My friends say I should try and move on, but in my heart, I don't want to... I can't ever imagine loving anyone else.My question is, is it ok for me to carry on loving him like this, letting my heart rule me, in the stupid hope that one day, he might turn round and say he wants me back for good this time? If not, how do I stop myself feeling this way? How do people deal with losing someone they've loved for so many years?Sorry if this is a bit long. Thanks for any advice.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sunnycomet  +, writes (7 October 2009):
 He cheated on you twice and broke up with you twice.
My advice is to tell him you want no contact from him. Do not contact him, get over him, and move on.
It will be hard but it will be better then your heart being broken again....and again.
Get out and enjoy life, keep contact with friends and family. Do something new maybe, change your hair color, get a new haircut..etc. Or do something that will make you feel good like go to the spa..
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, bitch  +, writes (7 October 2009):
He is not faithful to you and doesn't deserve your loyalty or love at this point. You deserve somebody that you can completely trust and can love with all your heart and know that your love will be returned back to you and not anybody else. You are too special and should not allow that kind of treatment towards you.
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A
male
reader, Confuzzled012 +, writes (7 October 2009):
 It's be one thing if told you about it, but he was hiding it. If you hadn't discovered it yourself, it would still be going on. He didn't learn his lesson the first time because you got back together with him. So why should he stop? You cannot let this go on. Without a consequence to his actions, he will proceed. He sat still for years but couldn't keep on. He's not husband material. It would really break my heart to watch a young lady like yourself continue letting this man treat you like the bottom of his shoe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): You're far better off listening to the voices in your head. Listen and obey. It's for the best.
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A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (6 October 2009):
 I think relationships are based on quality not quantity. Even a 50 year marriage means very little if there hasn't been honesty, communication, and respect. I'd stop concentrating on how long you've been off and on involved with this guy and concentrate on why he felt that it was OK to deceive you, why he feels that it's OK to screw you around emotionally, and why he feels so certain that you'll take him back every time. Being a door mat to someone is not a healthy happy relationship. He has no respect for you. I'd bet next weeks salary that if you go ahead and start building a life with this guy, you'll end up a divorcee bickering about the childrens weekend access visits. Good luck :)
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