A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've dated bf for 7 years now. I've always had hope in him because after 4 months of dating, I wanted him to be my future husband. After 4 years of solid dating, I started to change my mind/heart. I started to feel that the grass might be greener on the other side. I started talking to my ex again and started to compare the two. There are pros and cons with both of them. It just seems like whenever the bf isn't in a good position with our relationship whether it's financial or career, I unconsciously drift away. Since bf started his business 3 years ago, it hasn't been going well. I was proud of him when he started the business but when it wasn't going well, I started to get impatient. I've lived with the pressure of impressing my parents and obviously having a significant other that would impress my parents would be an added-value to our relationship. It seems as though it is extremely difficult for me to go through thin (the phrase of being with someone through thick and thin). During the past 3 years, my feelings for bf have changed because I realize that he's not physically my type and sometimes that is an issue when I see the ex on/off and of course he is my type. Besides the superficial, the bf is not very considerate sometimes. Bf is an easy-going carefree guy that does not live by the calendar or the clock so sometimes it bothers me when he doesn't remember certain dates/times. So it boils down to the fact that the way BF is bothers me but when he was on track with career/business it didn't matter too much because we were focused on the bigger picture. When we're together he doesn't need to remember dates/times because I would be around to remind him but now that he's 1.5 hrs away it's not as easy. Now that things aren't going well, I'm not sure if it's him that's making me drift away because I'm not in love or is it because I can't go through his thin situation right now because even when things didn't go right before, we kept holding on for as long as we could. He says he feels inferior to my family because things are not going right for him and that he can't show my parents that he can be a man since his business/financial isn't going as planned. When he tells me the other things he want to do, I'm not proud of it and when I told him about my ex going to medical school, bf probably thinks even worse of himself. I thought it would be easy to just forget about our relationship but I've been thinking about us and that maybe I need to put in more effort and be with him regardless of the situation or take it slow to see if I truly miss him because regardless of all factors, I want to be in love. I feel that love is when I can be with someone through thick and thin and be proud of the person regardless of his direction in life, and most importantly see through his flaws and work with them to improve the relationship. Should I just let things be because "patient is a virtue" or actively talk to him even though I still have thoughts about my ex and etc.
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female
reader, visione +, writes (29 January 2010):
 This sounds pretty complicated.
1. Grass is greener syndrome - everyone gets it at sometime (or often times) in their relationship when things are rocky. It's idealism, it's expectations... doesn't mean the grass over there will live up to it.
2. Things are hard right now, your bf isn't living up to your expectations so you start noticing things you did not see before. Would it be any different if things were not bad? What if you bf's business was doing alright? Like not successful, but not bad either. Would you have these thoughts now? I understand the impressing the parents part, my parents are like that too - I constantly worry if the guy I date is good enough or not, but this is a bad habit. You are the one with him, not your parents.. are you happy with him? Is it because of your parents, or is it because you think the same as your parents?? If you are happy with how things are going, your parents should be happy for you.
3. You say you want to be in love, and you want to improve the relationship and work things out with him.. yet you keep comparing him to your ex. Do you really think things will be much better if you were with your ex? Would you be happy? Break ups happen for a reason.
Your bf has expressed he feels bad about the situation, that he doesn't feel like he's up to par. You should be supportive of him in times like this, you shouldn't continue to stress him out by pushing him away, pointing out that your ex is better off, and that your parents do not like him much. Think about what you really want out of this relationship, whether you are happy or not. I can't make the decision for you obviously, but try to see things from his point of view. (Would you want your bf to compare you to his ex? and etc)
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