A
female
age
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*antout
writes:I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5 years, I caught him emailing women online for sex, and trying to set up sex with women while I was out of town, they even called his cell phone,so I'm not sure if he slept with any yet but the intention is there, I told him I didn't have any feelings for him anymore because he hurt me to much, I am still home, we just talk, but no touching or sleeping together on my request, but he is still crying, emailing me and trying to hug me, why is he having a hard time with this, I can't get my feelings back, I am still home because all my stuff is here, and I don't have another place ready yet, and I need him to help me financially, the more I'm here the more hurt he is, and he is making me feel bad, would I be doing the right thing by leaving, should I try to get my feelings back for him, would I be setting myself up for more hurt, this has happened before. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wantout +, writes (13 November 2008):
wantout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again Sweet-Thing, you are right, we are giong to see a councilor, because I am having a hard time getting back my feelings for him, I haven't hugged kissed, or slept with him since this happened, I can't seem to get that part back, I don't mind living with him, and he is trying his best to show me how much he loves me, but I think it's too late, he should have been like this when I was his slave, or puppet, whatever I was to make him get sick of me. Now that I won't have anything to do with him he's all over me like a sick puppy, sending me poetry type emails, bringing me coffee from Tim's, something he never did before, treating me like I'm the whole focus of his life, this only make me more mad. In my opinion he is only trying to get control of me again, and as long as I don't give in sexually I am free.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (13 November 2008):
 I think marital counseling may uncover some truths about why he did what he did. Obviously he thought he could get away with it. He didn't intend for you to know. Which means he may just get better about hiding the evidence next time around. Does he really love YOU or does he love the comfort factor of having someone at home. Does he love knowing there's someone to help him with his business, do his laundry, cook his meals. Meanwhile he's lost interest in you sexually so he sneaks around for extra entertainment. Personally this is what happens when women allow men to enjoy porn. Pretty soon, some men will want more and this is what you end up with. Where do you draw the line? I think porn is cheating. Some people think it's harmless. Then again, some people have open marriages and think nothing of that as well. Counseling will help you both sort out the whys and hows and maybe start the healing process. If you want to forgive him that is your choice. It will take much longer to re-build your trust. Maybe never. If you can live with that, then proceed with caution. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, wantout +, writes (12 November 2008):
wantout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Ginalolabridga, that is pretty good advise, he is reassuring me everyday now,he said he didn't realize how much he really loved me, which tells me he took me for granted, so I am trying to figure this out, but I still don't have romantic feelings, we have been sleeping separately for 2 months, I am still very angry, and want to go see someone to help us, the more he tells me he loves me the more angry I get, because if he loved me that much he shouldn't have done it in the first place, I loved him enough not to go look for more fun and sex somewhere else, I didn't want to take a chance on losing him also, why do I have to go through all this to figure out what made him do this, it's like it's my fault or something, he even tried to blame it on me, saying I was up late and didn't go to bed with him, what's a crock, I went out of my way to satisfy him sexually, even when I wasn't in the mood, why?, because I loved him to the point of wanting to satisfy his needs before my own.
Anyway now I'm getting upset again, I will write again later.
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A
female
reader, wantout +, writes (8 November 2008):
wantout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate, thank you Sweet-Thing for your advise also,
The reason I want to move out is because we have 2 houses, and it's more convenient for me to move, but I am thinking about staying, he said he didn't sleep with anyone just emailed women for a joke, I know that is bs, but he seems really and trully sorry, why would he want to stay with me if I turned him off that much, or if he didn't like me, the only reason I would cheat is if I was bored with our sex life and didn't want to be with my husband, but just wanted to stay because I would be afraid to hurt him, we talked about that tonight, and I said if you say love me so much why did you email women for sex, and he keeps saying he don't know, all he knows if that he don't want to lose me, and he loves me very much, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and not email women anymore.
I am thinking about giving him another chance, hoping he didn't actually sleep with anyone, even though the intent was there. he got caught that's why he didn't go through with it, but I'm thinking it might be worth a try, if he does it again I won't be as hurt the next time, I'll just leave without any thought to it.
We have a business together that we really enjoy. It takes the two of us to be involved to make it work.
This is really hard, but I want to make the right decision.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (7 November 2008):
Why should YOU move out? He's the one who cheated! I'd ask him HIM to move out. It may just be the humiliation he needs to face before he'll learn to value his marriage.
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A
female
reader, wantout +, writes (7 November 2008):
wantout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am still here at home with my husband, he is trying very hard, buying me things, being very nice, I wrote him an email because he wouldn't stop crying, and told him I was so hurt about what happened that he still needed to give me more time, he emailed me back and said he F---ked up, but he wasn't with anyone, whatever that means, anyway, I still can't get my feelings back, maybe I'm afraid if I give in it might happen again. I sometimes feel like running away, but I need to stay here to see if my feelings change, and because I am a coward to say I want to move my stuff out, I don't know how he'll react,he might get really depressed, I truly believe he is hurting, but I'm not sure if it's because of me, he said people were jealous of our relationship, maybe he wants to impress people, he said before when I approached him on this that "people were going to find out", those things tell me he's more worried about what other people think.
I am trying to figure all this out, it's very confusing.
If you want to comment on this again, that would be great,
I really appreicate all those that gave me advise, it is helping, I feel like I have people who care, because maybe some have been there before, we all have relationship problems sometimes.I'll keep you updated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): People sure do cut each other a lot of slack these days! 20 years ago, if someone cheated, the relationship was over. Nowadays you hear people wanting to work it out.
I say bullshit. Cheating on your spouse is an indication of a mental attitude..one that is very selfish and doesn't belong in a relationship. Dump his stupid ass and don't look back. Once a cheater, always a cheater!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): I think he should move out and you should file for divorce. He just feels bad because he got caught. You'll never be able to move past this if you've already lost your feelings for him, and the trust will never come back. He went too far. This is what happens when we allow men to watch porn, thinking it's just harmless entertainment. Alot of times, they take it further and further and further. Kind of like heroine. Pretty soon, they've lost everything.
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A
female
reader, ashryanxx  +, writes (6 November 2008):
get away from this man he has undermined u he wants other women not u.u should have more respect for yourself. he is trying to control u by crying and making u feel bad. u deserve someone who will respect u and love u.
best of luck.
ash x
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A
female
reader, ashryanxx +, writes (6 November 2008):
my advice is if they do it once they'll do it again. he is trying to control u by making u feel bad. if i were u id run away from this control freak he is a cheater.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2008): personally i believe before you decide to leave him you should look into couple therapy.However,if he is writing these sex emails how can you ever really trust him again?if there isn't any passion left in the marriage why waste the remander of your life in a burdening environment? There would be nothing wrong with leaving him if he has cheated on you.however, your not sure if he did so i would find out the truth and if he did then i would leave his ass. let everything else finacially work itself out because he doesn't fully appreciate you. don't let money issues steer you away from true happiness
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