A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:"I have been living with a man that I am very much in love with for almost 4 years now. We are both nurses and he is 52 and I am 39.I have had some problems with drug addiction but have gotten help and continue to go to meetings and have a sponsor. I have been clean for almost 2 years. He has supported me through all of that. Before that I was married for 20 years and have 2 older teenage daughters.My problem is that I have lost my sex drive. When I was taking drugs I was very into sex. Before that I wasn't really that interested.For the last year he is constantly complaining to me that he doesn't get enough sex. He wants sex at least once a day and also wants kinky sex for hours while watching porn and wants me to have sex with other guys in front of him, which I have done once to make him happy. He also requires that I be really "into it"During my divorce to the man I was married to for 20 years I lost everything. My house,cars and I almost lost my kids. I now live an hour away from my kids, so that I can live with him. i miss my kids terribly and don't get to see them much because they despise him.I have asked him to compromise with me and maybe just have sex once every other day. He tells me I am being defiant and attempting to control him. He has admitted to being a sex addict, but claims he is madly attracted to me and wants me so bad all the time. He said he feels that I don't want him and don't find him attractive even though I tell him over and over that I do. I told him I just want to compromise and feel there is a lot more to a relationship than sex, although I agree sex is important. At one time he said that he would be fine to have relationships with women when they are hot and when they cool off, he can move on. He is willing to do this for the rest of his life and says he does not want to just settle. He feels I have broken a "contract" we had in the beginning that we were both on the same page and he feels great loss and sadness now. There was no actual (contract) this is what he believes two people do when they enter a relationship. I have told him that relationships change and that I am madly in love with him but he is wearing me out physically and mentally with this as we are continuously fighting about it.I almost lost my nursing license because of drugs. I knew if I did leave before that financially I couldn't make it on my own. I did not however, lose it and have come quite far in the last couple of years doing nurse consulting work nationwide. I guess I am fearful of being alone as I have no support system in place. Both my parents are dead and I have no other family or friends.I am going crazy trying to figure out what to do. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but when he doesn't get sex he gets very angry and a bit verbally abusive at times.if you have any advise at all you can give me, I would greatly appreciate it. He is a very stubborn man who is set in his ways. Is there an answer to this question? It is really going to hurt to leave him if that is the answer. He has also been marred 3 times before. 2 of his ex wives had the same problem with him wanting too much sex among other things. He has told me that he has cheated on every woman he has ever been with because they either " got fat or/and didn't want him and broke his unwritten contract."Please advise me on what to do. Is there any hope for this relationship?Thanks in advance."
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divorce, drugs, his ex, move on, porn, sex addict, sex drive Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): you have walked much harder roads than this - you will be fine, everything you want is out there - go get it.
Star.x.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou guys are truly awesome on here. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I have cried over this many times and I am sure you all know I did, already know the answer to this question myself. But, for some reason when you are in something so deep it is hard to see outside the box. Because of you all I am now able to look outside the box, without a lot of emotion and that is great. I realize it is time and I have to do what needs to be done.
This is gonna be a hard road for me, I guess and I am dreading the upheaval of my life. I don't even know where to start as far as packing up all my stuff and leaving. I have gotten so far as packing everything up many times and then reconsidering. Hoping that things would change and the fear of being alone scares the hell out of me. I know I am a strong woman in every other aspect of my life. But being nearly forty and living be myself with no friends or family is a little scarey.
I will take all of your advice and remove myself from this situation, hard though it may be. i think my kids would relish me living close to them and I do have joint custody of them.
I never dreamed I would get the support I have received from you guys and all your kind caring words mean more to me that you will ever know. I will certainly keep you posted on the outcome.
Thanks again,
you are all wonderful.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (24 April 2009):
 Sweetie, this man is no good for you! He is using you and by the things he says, has no respect or feelings for you whatsoever. It does sounds like he has a sex problem and expects you to be the solution. You have pulled yourself out of a drug problem so you are a strong person, now is the time to pull yourself out of this destructive relationship before it ruins you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): Get out. You are no longer a person to this man - you are an object. What do you really get from this realtionship? nothing that i can see.
Where does he love you - by abusing your rights? by emotionally blackmailing you with a hidden and invisble contract? (i have it here in my hands...oh no i have dropped it) get over yourself....
You have gone through a lot of crap and survived - hell you have beaten drugs and raised two fine kids, gone through a difficult divorce. I would guess that you married young and this guy was the rebound after the divorce. Be strong and dump him.
I think you can do so much better - leave him find someone who cares for you. Really cares for you. you are incredible, just get out and go live in the sun, not someone else's shadow.
Big hug, Star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2009): This man has no real concern for you. You have done really well to get off drugs and although he supported you it sounds like he is more concerned with sex than anything else. And you have to be away from your kids to be with him. He is the one who is trying to control you and turn you into something you are not.
You need to build a support system of friends and get some counselling. Could you start with people at work, do you confide in anyone who might be able to help you?
You can manage without this man.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (24 April 2009):
You really have to ask this situation?
This man does not love you. He does not care about you. he has made it clear he is in it for the sex and has gotten VERY nasty and VERY abusive to get his own way.
Real men don't act like this.
Do you not think you deserve better than to be used like this?
Please please please think about what he makes you do and realise that it's not normal and it's not worth your love.
Leave him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Love4Life +, writes (24 April 2009):
 I would with out a doubt say the problem is him. First off I'm a man and even I know that a woman body is totally different. He does sound like he has a sex problem. You have been more than reasonable with a compromise. It sounds to me as he only thinks about his side of the relationship. Its my way or the highway will never work in a long term relationship. You need to make a choice. Leave him and find Happiness or be miserable. I would tell him it's either he sees a woman's side or get packing it's his loss. Any man would be more than happy with you. I believe that if hes not willing to commit at his age you need to dump him cause life's to short to waste it on a relationship that is exhausting mentally and physically. You need to find someone who will appreciate you for who you are and not just sex. I understand he helped you through a hard time but that's what it is. To me you have to realize that their are millions of men out their that would appreciate you. It might seem scary to be on your own but I don't think your moving forward any in the relationship and that not good. You need more out of a man and if he cant see that his loss.
I hope this has been some help...
Miah
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