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writes:Not sure what I should do if I very much would like to get back together with my ex-fiance. My ex broke it off with me a little over a yr. ago. When he ended it his only reason at the time was that he was not happy. Yes, we did have our problems but, nothing in my opinion that couldn't of been worked out if he really wanted to. The day that he broke it off he cried with me, telling me he still loved me but, he needed to be alone for awhile. He called me everyday for 3 wks. straight making me think that he might come back to me but, that did not happen.Shortly after that he became heavily involved with someone else. Although, he denied it I believe she was the reason for the breakup. I also, believe he continued calling me just incase things did not work out with her. For mths. after he continued to drive by my house checking on me which totally baffled me. I was told by friends of his that things were not as great with them as he wanted everyone to think but, I never responded to anything that I heard. I had severed all contact with him when I found out about her and have not spoken to him in over a yr. although, I have never stopped loving him. Back in June, I heard that she had broken up with him stating that she just wanted to be herself and he didn't. To me that meant that he was not happy with her and was trying to change her to his liking but, she wasn't willing. I may be wrong in this thinking but, that is my take on the situation since I knew from the start that they were two completely different types of people. His friends told me that although, they were not in a relationship, they were still seeing each other off and on.Now, several mths. later his sister has written to me telling me that her brother and this woman are totally over with and that she has moved out of town. She also, stated that the family is happy that they are no longer together. His sister has stayed in contact with me all this time unsolicited by me as his family has always treated me as family even though we were not married yet. I have never though, spoken about him and her or anything about our breakup or my feelings for him. I'm a little confused as to why she felt the need to inform of this but, my guess is that she is hoping that we reunite. My question now is, should I try to contact him in an attempt to let him know that I still care about him or continue on as I have hoping that maybe someday he will come to me. I'm not naive in thinking that he may still want anything to do with me but, I would like to think that after 7 yrs. together and planning to marry he felt something for me. I do believe though, that he thinks that I have moved on since I have not tried to contact him in all this time so he would be hesitant to approach me. I also, do not want to contact him only to be rejected once again by him. Not sure I could handle that again since I still love him and have hoped that someday he would come back to me. I know you are all thinking I should never have anything to do with him again after what he did to me but, I can't help the way I feel. Your opinions on how I should handle this situation would be appreciated. Should I contact him and let him know that I would like to try with him again or wait and see if he comes to me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): I have to disagree with the other posters on this. Cindy gave great advice but to be honest you're not going to be able to move on, if you haven't moved on after a year then it's not going to happen until you get closure.
You have no choice in this matter but to throw it out there and take the risk OP. You're more than prepared for the hurt that may happen as you've been going through it for the past year. So you need closure.
Don't do what the first poster suggested and make this one big long, slow tentative affair where you slowly try to win him back and start reading all the little signs (wrongly) that it's going to happen. You're not a teenager OP and there's no need to play these games. Just cut the chase. After seven years together you must have had a good enough bond that you can just talk and get the answers you seek.
You say you don't think you could handle rejection again well believe it or not that's actually a good thing because if it does happen then it will be such a blow as to kick your feelings into check. OP you only still love him because your heart feels there is chance, so you have to act on it. Rejection this time would allow you to move on for good this time and on the other side of the coin if he decides he does want to then you have him back. You cannot lose in this situation.
You know the pain of losing someone, you know it goes away after a while and you know the only way forward is some kind of closure. So go for it, don't take your time, don't do this in the sense that you're going to spend the next year or two trying to win him back by slowly becoming friends. He'll know right this minute whether this is something he wants and only a yes means yes. Maybe, I don't know, not right now, they are all 'no's'. So just go for it Op and get this done, as soon as you do you will either get complete closure or the man you love back. Both are positive outcomes.
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female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (27 November 2011):
 Hi,Sorry that you are still having difficulties to let go of this man after more than 1 year being apart. I don't blame you, because you were together for 7 years, planned to get married... It's only normal to feel this way, you cannot control your heart, and choose who to love. You are a wise woman. You are very respectful, and accepted his decision. Shows class. He broke up with you because he told you he was not happy with you? He was not willing to work on the relationship then, and gave up 7 years easily. It's not fair that he's the only one that have the right to make decisions in this relationship. He broke up with you, lived his life the way he wanted, and even if he wants to come back to you, it's not fair to you. What if he was happily ever after with this other woman? How about you? I think when you truly love someone, if you have problems, you work on the relationship, you don't give up!! You should never be second best!I am sure you know what's best for you. I hope you can make the right decision. Good luck
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 November 2011):
 Frankly I think you should do neither . You should just move on.
There's too much guesswork here, too many assumptions. I am not saying you can't be right, but there are many other ways to read the situations you describe.
For instance, you think that he was tryng to change her ,and that this was because he was not happy with her anymore. But it could be that he was happy- and SHE was not happy with him anymore, so she moved on. Same as he did with you. A case of what goes around comes around ..:)
Or, he might have been unhappy with her exactly as he was with you. There are not only two women in the planet and maybe between option A and option B he chose... nothing, he chose to be free and wait for option C , the one who could make him happy.
Normally one does not throw away lightly a 7 years relationship on a whim, so if eventually he felt that your story had run its course , and in one year has not indicated differently, I doubt he'd be coming back, or at least I doubt he'd be coming back to give you the love and committment you want from him.
You may say " But since it's all guesses, I'll never know for sure if I don't ask ". Very right- or, you'd be very right if you had not answered your own question by the end of your post : you could not handle his rejection ( that's quite a possibility ) . It would crush you even more. In other words, you'd need a safer bet than this.
In any case , yes, from what you say it does not sound like he was an upstanding guy and it does not sound like he treated you too well ( btw, pardon me, but a 7 years engagement in your age bracket...suggests a bit of a lukewarm enthusiasm on his side ). I don't think that having him back would result in such a great prize for you, and I suspect you know it very well.
As for feelings, yes we can't control how we feel, but we can control how we act ( or not ) on our feelings. We may have cravings but we may CHOOSE not to give in to them .
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): This is difficult, because if you are going to contact him only in the hope that you two will get back together, you run a big risk of getting hurt. If on the other hand, you look at it as contacting him as a friend to start with and just see what happens in time, that might work better. I actually contacted an ex after a long period of time, and I was quite prepared to accept that he probably wasn't going to feel anything for me. We started talking as friends and now we are together as a couple and happier than ever. If you can contact him knowing in your heart that you can handle it if he does reject you, and if you don't get back together, then by all means contact him, but if you are going to tell him that you want to get back together straigt away then it may not be a good idea, as you could get hurt and it will add to the pain you already feel. It is up to you whether or not you can handle getting hurt again and if you think the chance of getting back together is worth risking getting hurt again. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2011): As his sister has been in touch with you, I would suggest you wait a little longer to see if he contacts you first. He may need some time to first get over the end of that relationship. IF his sister gave you the information about the breakup because she would like to see you two get back together, then it is likely she would say something to HIM. As HE broke it off with you, I would NOT suggest you consider telling him you would like to try again. HOWEVER, if you do not hear from him for a while (a month or two), then maybe you could consider making some form of contact with him, which results in you meeting for a coffee to 'catch up'. At that meeting, I suggest you make it a happy one, and allow memories to flow back to him of your happy times together. Recall some of your happy memories with him. Let him see you are a confident happy woman on your own with out him. I suggest you leave the 'catch up' on a happy note, letting him know you enjoyed seeing him again...and that is all. If he is interested at looking at anything more, he will no doubt make contact with you again. Let him see you are available and happy, and you like him, but don't use the words....just your actions... let him decide if he is keen to rekindle and let him take the actions required... just my two cents worth. all the best.
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