A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd love some advice about whether I should talk to my new bf about a worry I have about my family. We've been together 2 months, and I feel so happy with him. He says he feels the same around me, and we've just been spending plenty of time hanging out, doing different things, meeting each other's friends, etc. A few days ago he told me he is falling for me:)So all in all, it's going great, I feel I can trust him, and I get the impression he's a supportive, caring, family-orientated guy.Here's the thing... there's a situation with my family (who live an hour away) which is flaring up, really worrying me, making me feel sad, and although I forgot my worries and feel happy when I'm with my bf, I am pretty worried about what's happening. I'm not sure whether to talk to him about it. My best friend, who I can normally talk to, is away travelling, and I've never really confided in anyone else about it apart from my ex (split up 1 year ago, no contact since splitting-we split because he cheated on me). Basically, my sister is severely disabled and has severe autism, and some of her autistic behaviours are pretty difficult to deal with at home for my mother (sole carer)...every night for the last two months, I ring home/visit, and see my mother at the end of her tether, no sleep, stressed out. I love my sister and want her to stay at home. I also love my mother and don't want her to be stressed out by having to deal with my sister's constant challenging behaviours. My mother has said she can't cope and thinks my sister may need to live in a care home-she said this to me today. I am devastated by this, and am heading home tomorrow to try and help as much as I can, and wonder if maybe my sister should live with me? I'm meant to be meeting my bf, but he knows I'm going home. We're meant to be going to a party the next day, but I'm not sure I feel like it, but don't want to let him down as he's so excited.I guess my question is, do you think I should explain to him a little of what is going on for me at the moment? It is a pretty heavy topic, and I don't want to spoil all the happiness we're sharing by talking about something so stressful. I worry he'll run a mile if he thinks I might be taking on more care of my sister. I really feel like I want to get to know my bf better and can see a longer term relationship for us, but it just feels too soon to be burdening a new relationship with this stuff. Also, when I'm with him, it feels like an escape-a time when I don't have to think about what is happening in my family. At the same time, it's going to be difficult for me not to show that something's not right... I have emailed my friend, but she's not replied and is travelling in remote places. There are no other family members I can talk to about it, no friends who know, and noone at work.My gut instinct is not to talk to my new bf about all this yet, but I'd love your advice.Thanks for reading-sorry it's so long. x
View related questions:
at work, best friend, cheated on me, disabled, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 October 2010):
I think you do need to tell him. This isn't something that's small. This is big. And he needs to know. Basically, he needs to know because you're taking on such a commitment that there are times you won't be there for him, there will be times you need to let him down. You don't even want to go to this party, and he needs to know this stuff. You simply can't hide it from him, because at some point he might want to move in, he might want to propose, think about children and such. And all that could be affected if you are a carer for your sister.
Make no mistake, I think it's truly admirable of you to be thinking of doing this. But the price of becoming your sister's carer is that you could miss out on other things later on. Being a carer, as you've seen with your mother, is one of the biggest commitments a person can take on.
You've been together 2 months, and if you wish to carry on, you need to be honest. He may not like suddenly having it all thrust upon him in a year or something.
Take a leap of faith in your guy, and tell him what's going in. He really does need to know.
|
