A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's ex wife recently put a picture of her and my boyfriend looking very cosy together as her facebook profile picture. They've not been together for almost two years and so I was nonplussed why she would do this. My boyfriend says the picture's from years ago, way before they split up. That is perhaps believable as he looks a little younger in the picture, but why would she put this up if they were really split up? I'm confused about the whole thing. He says that she still loves him and that she didn't want the divorce and she's perhaps being nostalgic, but how many people do you know would do such a thing? Is that believable?There's also another picture on her facebook with him in it, but he's just snapped as an accidental extra in a photo of her and a friend. However, I would say that this definitely looks more recent, perhaps in the last year at least. I know he still occassionally sees her because they still have some left over things to discuss, but why would they both be at a social event? It could be from before me so I suppose there's not a real reason to tell me about it if they were merely both at a friend's party. However, both pictures were uploaded recently, and this one was used as a profile picture before the one of them looking very much like a couple. Also, her friend has another version of this same picture as her facebook profile, which makes me think it was taken in the past few months, and is therefore suspicious as I wasn't told anything about it!Am I crazy? When I first mentioned the whole thing to my boyfriend I only asked him if he were really split up from her. He freaked out cos he thought I was going to dump him, but when I explained about the pictures he totally calmed down and dismissed it as nothing which makes me think that maybe I am being ridiculous. However, when we first started dating he didn't tell me anything about her which is why I freaked out when I saw the picture. I understand that mentioning this kind of thing is not something you would share on a first date, but the simple fact that I discovered something so important several months into a relationship made me realise the down side to dating straight after meeting - I know nothing about him from before me. What do you guys think? Should i just let these pictures fade in my memory or should I be on the lookout?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): Have u seen his actual divorce decree?
My brother hs a mistress for over 8 yrs (I think he is in his 10 year of the affair). He is always at home. Has never spent a night with his mistress. Is a 'respectable' person in our community . He is also a snake!
So if someone is wanting to cheat, then they will!
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): His explanation of why he didn't tell you about his wife is anything but "reliable and understandable"--it sounds as if you caught him in a lie and he was stumbling to find an answer that would satisfy you.
This whole thing sounds fishy. Why wouldn't he mention that he's divorced on a first date, or at least on the second or third? And if they're already divorced, what is there left to talk about? You don't mention that your boyfriend has children with her, and that's pretty much the only legit reason he would still need to talk to her--if they are actually divorced. His dismissal of your concerns about the pictures "as nothing" is also troubling. A more appropriate reaction would've been for him to address your concerns and reassure you that it's an old picture. Finally, you see him 4 nights a week; that leaves him 3 nights a week to see her. Do you see him the same 4 nights, and do you see him regularly on weekends? And are you sure that she knows about you, or did you hear that from him?
Now, it's entirely possible that your boyfriend is just immature (hence the bizarre explanations) and that his ex truly is clinging to their relationship. But I think it's more likely that they are still legally married (even if they're separated). If he's really divorced he'll have the paperwork to prove it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI see him four times a week is it even possible for him to still be in a relstionship with her without me knowing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhuh?? How do my updates state that he's not divorced? He is. :S
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): SO YOUR UPDATES now reveal that he is NOT DIVORCED!!!
he never ever mentioned her before while sheeping with you.
you found out by chance
and then he gives u a fishy story why did not tell u he was married in the firs place
seems like her hubby goes around for some lovin when u are not around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if this man is still her hb .......well then, it seems that they are more together than more divorced.
personally u seem very naive to believe everything this married man is telling you.
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have aksed him why he didn't tell me. He says that when he first started dating me he wasn't looking for a long term relatonship and didn't expect anything to come of us, he was just testing the waters. He says I'm the first relationship he's had since her, and that he didn't tell me at first because he didn't think he'd need to. But then once he was sure he wanted me to be his girlfriend, enough time had passed that he wasn't sure how to tell me and then I just found out. That's relaible and understandable, right?
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 It sounds like the woman has issues. She has been divorced for 2 years yet still hasn't moved on. It is a bit sad to put up a picture of your ex husband as your profile picture after 2 years. Even if there are still feelings there, clinging to a failed relationship is not healthy. She would do better to get on with her life.
It is a bit fishy that your boyf didn't tell you about her until you discovered her. I would ask him why he didn't tell you he was divorced earlier. I also don't agree with them meeting up with unfinished business. What would they have left over to discuss. Don't worry too much about the social event though. Unless you know they went together. They could have many mutual friends and just went to the same social event because of that. This will happen with exs as I'm sure you know. Sometimes you just can't help bumping into them.
All this doesn't mean you boyfriend still has feelings for her. You have to trust him really. He divorced her 2 years ago and is now with you. This tells you it is her who has the problem and needs to let go.
There is sadly no guarantee that someone will not cheat on you or keep secrets. All you can do is trust that this person will not do that. If you are ever proven wrong, take solice that you are and have been a decent person and leave to find someone better.
Hope this helps :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says that when they first decided on divorce it was a mutual agreement but when things were becoming really solidified she changed her mind and no longer wanted it. She knows about us - could this picture thing just be a ploy to make things harder for us? If I'm honest it seems really deliberately provoking, but that may just be my interpretation of it. He says he just wants to leave her and everything else behind but she's insistent on ruining his life beacuse he doesn't want her. He says she still feels like he belongs to her and is blaming him for the total breakdown of their marriage because he started up with me so soon after things with them were officially over. However, they'd been apart for long enough before this, does it really make sense for her to do this now after so much time?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): I wouldn't worry about it. Frankly, for a divorced woman (whose relationship has been over for some time) to make her facebook profile pic a pic of her and her ex, is pathetic. It spells "loser" all over. If she doesn't see it this way, that's even more pathetic. so if I were you I'd laugh and shake my head at that, and pay no more attention to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): She is an ex for a reason. If you don't like dating someone elses leftovers then move to the head of the line so you get the fresh catch of the day. In my opinion there will always be that history. that is something you can't change. Can you live with knowing that he once had signed over his life to care for this women?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): be on the lookout. It could be that this is all her doing and nothing to do with him. But he's also shown that he can keep things from you if he feels it's in his best interest to do so.
Does she know that he's now in a relationship with you? if so then she's crossing boundaries because they are divorced so she has no right to interfere in his new relationship. Or has he not told her that he's now seeing someone else? (because of his tendency to keep information to himself if he feels it's in his best interest)
Also, why would he still be hanging out with her if they;'re divorced? do they have kids together?
something tells me that they're not really done with their relationship. clearly she's still hanging out cos she didn't want to get divorced. is he still holding onto a part of that relationship because she refuses to let him move on?
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