A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am an ex dancer so used to have a good body and be considered attractive. I got treated really badly by an ex boyfriend who I lived with for 2 years, he cheated on me with about 8 of my friends and ended up becoming violent. My self esteem plummeted so much so I had to leave the dancing industry. I swore myself of men but then started a new job and met my current boyfriend, at first I was wary but he is such a gentleman an worshipped my every move. He loved the fact that I was an ex dancer and part time model. Now, since leaving the industry I have gained weight and lost tone, i've also tried to lay off the fake tan and make-up and be more comfortable with the real me. It was going great until recently he hasn't been getting erections as easily as he used to with me and i'm scared. Should I try and lose weight again and apply more fake-tan and make-up or is it not me? I'm SO scared he will turn into my ex, I couldn't cope with that again. Sorry if I have rambled :S
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cheated on me, erection, lose weight, my ex, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011): Hi
On the dance side:
I am a contemporary dancer and i would say please keep dancing, you can train to dance in theatre, a real interesting career, also there is dance therapy a lot of scope in the dance world. Sorry i derailed from your question: forget everything that is FAKE this will take you nowhere fast, be true to you.
Your self esteem will be good if you are doing what you love, and dance is very good for staying fit ...not about weight but general fitness as you know. Do what makes you feel good but without the fake tan ...what about body paint in a dance performance so much more interesting and authentic.
spunky monkey
spunky monkey.
A
female
reader, Missy00  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Be yourself and who you want to be. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. If he doesn't like the "real" you then there is someone out there that will.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 Allow me to be a bit more thorough about some of the possible causes of erectile dysfunction, in case anybody out there still needs convincing that penises are unanimously linked to how attractive your guy finds you...
Anxiety
Stress (at home or at work)
Age
Depression (affects between 5-12% of men)
Certain feelings such as nervousness,self-consciousness, relationship concerns, performance anxiety, feelings of inadequacy- (seen enough penis size insecurity questions?)
Even one episode of failure to launch- can result in or add further to psychological factors, resulting in a snowball effect with more failures
High blood pressure
High cholesterol
Low male hormone levels
Fatigue- aka. Tiredness (anyone here ever been tired??)
Just as erections can occur due to touch, smell, visual and auditory stimuli, such stimuli can also have the opposite effect on erections. Repetition of such stimuli can diminish that particular stimuli's ability to cause an erection.
Prostate cancer, diabetes, epilepsy and a long list of medical diseases best left to the doctors
Poor nutritional diet
Poor exercise
Being over or underweight
Smoking or having smoked in the past
A long list of prescription medications, most notable being- anti-depressants
Recreational drugs such as marijuana, ecstasy, cocaine
Penis curvature or peyronie’s disease
Excessive bicycle riding as it puts pressure on the perinium
Now OP, you say that your boyfriend still gets it up all the time but just doesn't get them as quickly as he used to... (he used to get one just by talking to you). This is not erectile dysfunction... this is normal penis behavior.
Even if he does get limp once in a blue moon- take your pick of the dozens of possible reasons from above... including tiredness for god sake.
As for cindy, repeated performance problems are not something girls can really be all that objective about, particularly if they are insecure or have low self esteem... I'm totally generalizing here so forgive me for that, but it seems to be true in my experience that when girls turn down sex, its far less a notable crime to guys than it is when guys turn down sex with a girl. We're far less likely to remember it and we're far less likely to take it personally.
My question to you is (respectfully of course)- what constitutes performance problems... once a month? once a year? Because that diagnosis is going to vary wildly from girl to girl, yet you say that there MUST be a problem if there are repeated performance problems... See how human error influences that logic? Its a good point and isn't wrong, its just not entirely right on this topic.
Granted, my defensiveness must make me come across as the most limp man to ever grace a bedroom. Honestly I'm just sick of the misconceptions that women have about penises. You really can't read into them too much... they're unpredictable, illogical and frankly, dumb as a brick.
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A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 "Strengths" of erections are relative. I've had some of my strongest erections just looking in a mirror. Sometimes with an absolutely hot young male model or gorgeous actress it takes me a while to get going.
You should probably try to get fit again because that's always a good thing! And make-up is a girl's best friend if applied in the right quantities.
Fake tan, though - I'm not so sure. Guys like natural skin tones as a rule. I'm brown (Thai) and if I try to get fairer with a bleach or darker with a tan, guys and girls both tell me I look strange, so...hold off on that one is my recommendation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 As I absolutely recognize the authority of Jmtmj, as a young male, on this subject, and I accept that he must know more than us female Aunts about it, there's a twist to his reasoning.
Because, while it is true that a lack of erection does not mean they don't like you, well, the presence of an erection means they DO like you ( at least physically ).
Positive reinforcement, so to speak. And a constant or often repeated lack of this positive reinforcement MUST mean something.
So, it may not have anything to do with you. How well do you know him ? Is he having a lot of stress at work, money worries, a mild depression, physical ailments, a drinking problem ?...
Did you share your concerns with him-not accusing or panicking, just asking him if he feels your sex life needs some adjusment or spicing up ?...
ONLY after sorting out these other possibilities, yes, the option that remains is that his attraction was superficial and once you have lost your va-va-voom value, you've lost his interest. Which of course would be painful- but not negative in itself, I am sure you want a relation that's more than skeen deep attraction.
In the meantime ,though, virtue is in the middle, you are not on stage anymore and you don't need to be glamorous and in top shape all the time. You also don't want, I hope ! , to turn into a frumpy, sloppy housewife just because you've got a guy !. So , don't aim for the show girl look if you don't wish to, but...remember, exercise,nice clothes and a little bit of make up will be your allies for the rest of your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Thanks guys, these answers really help. I always do the sexy underwear thing and it's not that he can't get it up completely, he just doesn't get them as quickly and easily as he used to (it used to be just if I spoke to him). Thank you for the comments about my past effecting it, I know it does, he really does understand but I just find it so hard to trust him and feel attractive. He tells me that he does love me for who I am and that I am naturally beautiful, inside and out, but I just worry, is that just a guys way of shutting up a girl when she starts moaning? Thanks for all your input though, I really appreciate it. x
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (25 May 2011):
You can't judge your level of attractiveness on the strength of a guys erection...
I've lost count of how many times I've had to tell women that. There are a million different factors that affect the ability to get and sustain an erection, biologically, mentally, emotionally... yada yada.
So don't stress... (funnily enough that also affects them)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011):
When you say dancer do you mean "dancer" or "stripper"? That term is sometimes misused. I am thinking "stripper" because dancers don't usually wear fake tans.
My girlfriend is a ballet dancer and it is part of the very fabric of who she is. If you were really a dancer (even if not professional) then by all means dance, lose the weight, and reclaim your identity. If you were a stripper then I think you are better off being yourself. It won't hurt your self-esteem to try to lose weight, but do not obsess over it.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (25 May 2011):
 THere could be any number of reasons for him losing the erections, the most obvious of which would be that you're settling into a more predictable pattern sexually. Try to spice it up in the bedroom a bit.
Apart from that, fake tan is absolutely unneccessary, but trying to be fitter and using make-up in a classy way is always a good thing. Being 'yourself' is what you should always be, but that doesn't have to mean being unfit. Tone up, work out. It feels good for its own sake, or at least I think so.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (25 May 2011):
 I doubt it's your fault that he is having trouble with erections.
Look at a few things. First: is he actually having trouble with them, or are they just coming up slower? An erection that is slower to rise is just a side-effect of getting into a groove in your relationship. Try to spice things up a bit in the bedroom with some sexy lingerie or some massage oil, etc.? Have you talked to him about his satisfaction in your sex life together? Maybe he just wants to try something with you but doesn't know how to ask. Open that door for him.
Second: If he is actually having problems getting it up, it might be a dysfunction thing. In that case, it's doctor time. Again, not your fault, just something that happens to some guys.
Have you talked to him about your past? About some of your fears? Be open and share these things with him with complete honesty. Tell him that you trust him, but it's hard to shake those fears after you've been treated like you have.
Last, but most importantly, be yourself. I know it's corny, but my Dad has a saying:
"There are 6 billion people on this planet. Out of those 6 billion, there are millions who will ike you EXACTLY the way you are"
No, you don't need to run out and try to fit yourself in to some model of percieved perfection. You need to be yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. If this isn't the guy who loves you that way, there are men out there who will. I have a feeling though, that if you are completely honest with the way you have been feeling about your self image, past, and fears, your man may surprise you with his compassion and understanding. If he doesn't, find one who will be.
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