A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I put on a happy front for other people when they ask about my married life, but I am not really happy. We enjoy movies, dancing, and fun together but for many reasons, I am not happy in our marriage. My husband was spoiled when he was younger and still expects to be spoiled even now as a husband. He has no concept of money, it seems. He is unable to work for the next two months and I am fine with the fact that he cannot work right now. I am not fine with the fact that he refuses to apply for jobs for when his work permit comes. I know how hard the job market is right now because I had to apply for MANY jobs before I got the one I have now. I tried to tell him that he should try to apply for different jobs because it is a numbers game. He doesn’t listen. I have had to apply to jobs FOR him and I’m surprised he even attended a few interviews. He’s even told me that he’s gotten interview calls, and that ‘he will have to get back with them’. He has never gotten back with those interviewers. He did attend one interview and they said that they would hire him whenever he gets his work permit. Unfortunately, this job is a sales job. For every sale he makes, he gets money, for every sale he doesn’t make he gets $0.00. It will be very difficult to make money with this job because door to door selling is hard. So you can imagine my disappointment about the job, but he acts as though he’s hit the lottery. Do you want to know why? Because now he can say that he has a job and I can stop bugging him and the job won’t start for two months so he gets some “vacation” time. I have been supporting him since we got married and I wish he would get a REAL job in the near future so that I can actually have money to SAVE and not spend into oblivion because of all these new expenses that keep cropping up. He swears up and down that he will be applying to other jobs and that he will at least get a part time job while he does this door to door thing, but I doubt it will ever happen. I basically want to show him the door because I am so sick of feeling like I’m being taken advantage of. It wouldn’t be as bad if he could do things for me and the household. After all, I’m paying ALL the bills and I’m paying even some of HIS expenses. He can’t even clean the house while I’m at work. I’m a messy person, but I come home and see the house in such a state that it makes me just want to burn the place down and start over again. I tried to talk to him about it and I even made up a chore chart that we could do. He picked to clean up the kitchen and the living room and I chose the bedroom, the bathroom, and the spare room. I cleaned my designated rooms on the weekend when I was off, and he hadn’t touched his. Every day it’s “I’ll get to it. I’ll do it tomorrow.” I got to the point where I was disgusted to even eat in my OWN kitchen. After several times of me asking if he could just go ahead and clean it up, he finally came up with the excuse: “We don’t have any trash bags!” Yes, but we have smaller bags which could at least capture some of that crap and be taken out of the house. I ended up cleaning up everything because I couldn’t stand to wait another week to see if he would get around to it. He always excuses sleeping during the day every single day. I come home from work and he’s sleeping every day. Nothing is ever done- he procrastinates on EVERYTHING. He gets angry with me when I tell him that he’s always sleeping during the day. “What do you want me to do? I don’t sleep at night. What do you want me to do?” His weird sleeping habits would be fine if he could maybe do something while he is UP at night doing absolutely nothing. So, for those at home, let’s tally up the score: he sleeps all day and does nothing then he’s up all night doing nothing, and he doesn’t understand why I don’t even want to be home anymore.Then he tells all his friends that the reason he can’t hang out with them is because he’s married now. I NEVER told him that he couldn’t hang out with his friends and now, I always look like a jerk. I told him that I wanted him to come home at a decent time- and decent to me would be at around 1 or 2 am if he were going to a bar- not 3 or 4 am when he wants to come in. I don’t think I am an unreasonable person, but he acts as though I am a jailer. Besides this, he’s irresponsible and doesn’t know how to be the man of the house. When I married him, I didn’t know that he was such a child- he actually seemed to have his stuff together. (And I used to laugh derisively at women who would marry husbands like that because I figured that they would have to KNOW how irresponsible and lazy he was BEFORE they married him, but I was stupid and I didn’t.) Now, my husband might as well be a 17 year old boy living in my house. He sleeps all the time and causes me to have to put out extra money because of his irresponsibility. I just recently got two letters telling ME that I owe $90.00 because of unpaid parking tickets for the car that I bought which he drives. I am just so SICK- I wish I could just walk away and never look back.Those were the big things. Now, I’m put out even by the small things. Like the fact that he can’t even pick up the PHONE when my mother calls him because he doesn’t want to talk for a long period of time. I know my mother can talk for a while, but it is so disrespectful to just ignore all her calls. I buy food and he eats it all up in three days and then complains that he is hungry (as if he were a 17 year old kid and not a grown man). He uses up all the toilet paper in a few days so we’re constantly buying toilet paper like we have a family of 8 when there are only two of us. One roll of toilet paper will be used up in one day, literally. If things continue the way they are right now, I’m going to try to get out at the beginning of next year. I just feel so bad that I can’t make anything work. He won’t go to marriage counseling, he won’t try to work on anything he does and he always looks at me like I’m an alien…like I’m doing something to him. He’s even told me that he doesn’t like coming home to me because I fuss at him all the time. I don’t like coming home because it looks like a frat boy lives there and I will have to deal with him staring at me, bleary-eyed, because he just woke up when he heard my key in the lock. I wish I could explain all of this to him in a nice tone that would make him see that I need HELP to sustain this marriage, but I have tried and he doesn’t even care. I will be sleeping on the couch from now on because our spare room doesn’t even have a bed in it and I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as someone who is the way he is. Some days I literally want to die. I'm so embarrassed that my marriage isn't working.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 May 2010):
 you seem very smart and the smartest thing you can do is DIVORCE HIM.he will beg you to stay,not because he loves you,but because he doesnt want to lose his MOTHER. good luck ur gonna find a new guy soon!
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 There is nothing to be embarrassed about. You made a big mistake and you can either stay or leave.
If he is unwilling to change or compromise, there is only one way to get off from this mess, divorce.
Why do you still want to stay in such a dysfunctional home? If you are not compatible with each other, it would be better to separate and live your own life.
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