A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:I would be greatful of your advice. My gf and I have been together for nearly 4 years and have known each other well as close friends for 8 years. I am a communicator and value talking about problems and then negotiating a resolution or agreeing on a compromise. Over the last 3 years I have slowly silenced myself natural instinct to speak. I realise this is not helping either the relationship or my state of mind and so yesterday evening I decided to try to communicate this to my gf. There are a few reasons why this has happened - ad while it was happening I didn't see clearly what was going on. One problem has been that every time there has been an issue to discuss my gf becomes so angry and accusatory. It has made me feel terrible and very low to think that a disagreement can make her so angry - so every time this happened I would feel that she was going to leave me - and in fact she would walk away, leave for a few days, be so angry and I would punish myself internally for opening my mouth. So I silenced myself with the result that many issues are not talked about at all. this has meant that our relationship has started to based on 'walking on egg shells' basis. My gf has had difficult relationships in the past - as have I - but she could not cope with me expressing my love for her. In fact when I used to tell that I love her she would become very cold toward me and say love doesn't exit, and that it doesn't mean anything. She said it was driving her away because she didn't feel the same way. In fact she leave me on more than one occasion. She has said that she doesn't love me both to my face and in notes she has left but at the same time she has recently asked me to marry her. She still cannot say she loves me. Last night I asked her why she wants to marry me and she said 'Well we are getting a place together aren't we?' Her answer makes me feel that it is for convenience of somewhere nice to live - but I may be being unfair in thinking that. I responded to her by saying 'Let's not talk about the house for a moment - but could we talk about what we feel about each other and the reasons we really want to marry' She just stared at me and became angry. She said that that there is a part of me that she likes when I am funny and I make her laugh and also when we holiday together because I am 'easy to hang out with'. But that there was another area that she does not like which is the side of me that does not like the fact that she sees quite a number of guys quite a few of them who are ex's for lunch, drinks, coffees etc when i am at work in the day time and sometimes for part of the evening. It is true that I do have issues about some of these guys especially some of her ex's. For example on guy she was she had an 'involvement' with just before we got together I do feel funny about her seeing him. She agreed about a year ago that she wouldn't be seeing him unless it was with other people, and not at his place. This guy has not interest in seeing me with her and my gf doesn't want me to be around when they meet. Last week she went for coffee at his place. Yesterday she had lunch with a guy who we both know and this is completely different because this guy is very open about seeing us both and has invited me to his place with her many times. My question is - Should I be able to discuss difficult issues with my gf without the fear of massive arguments and recrimination? I tried to explain that it is her strong reaction that really gets to me and that I wish we could just discuss things and then let them drop and still have an underlying love for each other. She was angry with me until the early hours and I had and early start for work. She didn't seem to notice that I only had 4 hours sleep.I want to work at our problems but I don't know how if she always gets angry.You thoughts or advice will be welcome. Thank you.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (2 November 2009):
 Oh my word she really has got you by the short and curlies hasn't she.
She doesn't work unless it is on her terms, she works adhoc and doesn't pay for the space she rents, (well she doesn't rent because she doesn't pay for it). Anyway, YOU are paying for her accommodation, WOW, she has really got you wrapped around her little finger hasn't she. So you pay for a roof over her head, food she eats, bills, travel and holidays and she is NEVER putting her hand in her pocket.
Well why would she get a job when she has an automatic cash machine on hand whenever she needs anything. She is playing you for a fool and it needs to stop and the sooner the better.
She is giving you NOTHING in return, no affection no sex NOTHING.
She is a USER I'm afraid and she will always be the same no matter what.
She turns the tears on and plays on your heart strings and says about being a good mother. How can she be a good mother if she NEVER has sex with you eh?????
The fact that she has shown you nothing in affection for so long as she is probably/most likely getting it elsewhere and her and whoever are having a great laugh at your expense as they probably think - the poor schmuck just picking up the tab the whole time and they are getting the benefits. She can deny all she wants but she is giving you nothing in return.
She won't go to counsellling, she won't discuss anything with you and she leads the life of riley. My word why would she want to change that. No other man would tolerate her behaviour and I just don't understand why you do.
She is treating you like a doormat and it is time for you to find some fire in your belly and tell her in no uncertain terms that you are not going to be the one forking out all the time and driving yourself into the ground to work to fund her.
How old is she btw? She is an adult as you state you are between 41 - 50 so I am just wondering how old she is?
She has had things so cushy for so long. Do you actually live with her then?
Sorry to be blunt but I think it is time for you to wake up and smell the roses as she will run you into the ground and won't worry about the fact that you could put yourself into an early grave just to support her.
Course she wants the new house and marriage as she can then claim half of everything if she wants to walk away from it all. You would be the one forking out for the wedding and probably the honeymoon and shortly afterwards she could turn around and say no it just isn't working, maybe she might consumate the marriage or not and then she could get an annulment but could take 50% of everything you own, including the nice new house that you pay for and you would be left with very little my friend.
Sorry if the truth is harsh but this is a woman who is such a player and wants everything HER way. She argues with you and blows her top and then knows that you are never going to bring up the subject again, i.e. the job scenario. She is good at playing mind games with you and winning every time.
A one sided relationship is just that, one sided.
Please feel free to message me anytime and I know that deep down inside you have what it takes to make you see the real truth. Unfortunately you have been wearing the blinkers that she has put onto you and it is time to take them off now.
Sorry for not replying sooner, was away with my daughter for the weekend. But I am here and can talk anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (1 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs an update to this question first I would like to say thank you for your responses and thoughts. It has been very good to get other views.
For well over a year my gf has been cold towards me. Some of this I explained in my earlier question - not allowing me to say I love you or express my feelings to her etc. Also she as rejected me sexually for nearly 18 months. At the start she used to say that she was feeling strange. Then that she had pain when we made love sometimes. At this I was concerned and suggested making an appointment with the Doctor but she refused. Then it develped in to her just 'not feeling sexual any more'. Through all this period I tried to give her space when she needed it and also I tried remind her that she was attractive. Eventually I realised that nothing was changing. She also hasn't wanted to kiss me for about a year.
Although I felt a lot of rejection I tried to carry on hoping that things would settle down but when I found notes of hers saying she doesn't love me, that she would like to meet someone else etc I kind of started to give up.
Today she was crying saying she feels I don't want her any more and asking me if I think she would make a bad mother becasue she is so messed up. i felt so sorry for her but at the same time i still feel she doesn't love me. I am confused by this breakdown of hers and it really hooks in to my natural instict to care for her. I feel i need a bit of space to see what she does next and also how I feel but not sure how to go about it without a complete break up.
You see i guesss I can't walk away. Something stops me at the moment and I can't get it clear in my head why it is.
I'mtorn and very concerned for her and worrying about the whole thing. And work is draining becasue of it..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): "It's a real help because I have doubted my gut instinct for a long time."
Wow. It's ironic to come across a situation so close to mine - but even worse. At least mine will freely tell me she loves me (having qualified in the past that they're just words, and words are meaningless).
I want to address the line that I quoted above. I know exactly where you are coming from with this. You end up so embroiled in the situation that you develop a skewed sense of reality and learn to not trust - or at least ignore - your gut instinct.
Truth to tell, your gut instinct is almost invariably right.
She is not treating you right, and she is not treating you how you - or even anybody - deserves to be treated.
Here is the deal with all the accusation that you're jealous, possessive and abnormal: She's right. You are. But it's BECAUSE that's how she's making you. If you were all these things with no reason, that would be a different matter and maybe it would be her posting on this site complaining about you.
It's a common, transparent technique to shift the blame for their bad behaviour on the other person in this way.
She does something that, understandably, makes you feel uncomfortable... you're a jealous freak.
She lies to you and you confront her... she only lied because she feared the consequences of your reaction. (no consideration that she shouldn't have done the thing she lied about in the first place).
You complain about the lack of emotional intimacy... you're a whiney co-dependent.
You see, every negative action on their part is immediately paired and justified with a cause that shifts the blame directly back to you.
I know it, you know it, yet we keep plugging away trying to resolve the situation. This is where the "Gut feeling" and skewed sense of reality comes into it. The only way to allow yourself to stay under these conditions is for you to ignore your gut instincts and develop an altered sense of what is the right and wrong way to allow yourself to be treated in a relationship.
I look at it this way - with reference to a saying that I try to run my life by: "The definition of good manners is to make people feel comfortable".
There should be nobody that deserves your good manners more than your partner. Making you feel comfortable should be paramount in her priorities. It obviously isn't.
The way she is running her life (Note: HER life, because she's not concerned about "OUR") is bound to make you feel uncomfortable whether she is actually being unfaithful or not. That should be enough reason for a truly caring person to stop it. She is CHOOSING not to.
Believe me, I know exactly where you are. For the first time in my life, I find myself on the wrong side of a lop-sided relationship, and it's not a comfortable place to be.
If you're anything like me, you've spent a whole lot of time analysing the situation and consciously or subconsciously asking yourself "Why can't she love me like she should?" "Why doesn't she treat me right?"
I had a "bombshell" moment some time ago that in some way helped and definitely needs to be kept in mind - if only for your own sanity. It is simply this: IT ISN'T YOU! You're just the current victim of her emotional unavailability.
Once you realise that, you can stop beating yourself up about that particular matter. It isn't the whole answer to your problem, but, believe me, keep repeating those three words to yourself. You need to do what you can to salvage your battered self-respect. The very fact that you know you're allowing yourself to stay in this situation when you know you deserve better is a daily attack on your self-respect and self-esteem.
I feel for your situation. I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also sorry to say that I believe there is no future in this relationship. You have to find the strength to get out. I know. It's easier said than done. :-(
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (30 October 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLyonHart, Thanks for your response. Most - nearly all have been advising along the same lines - and I agree too when I am thinking rationally. Thank you for your take on my situation. It is a help to know when others have experienced similar things. Thanks.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (30 October 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney Girl,Yes I think Country's advice is excellent. I need to think lng and hard about it and try to not let the emotional side of being in this relationship control me which is the hard part. Thank you too for your response.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (30 October 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney Girl,Yes I think Country's advice is excellent. I need to think long and hard about it and try to not let the emotional side of being in this relationship control me which is the hard part. Thank you too for your response.
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A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (30 October 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCountry Woman, Thank you for your reply here. I am very greatful for your objective response. It's areal help because I have doubted my gut instinct for a long time. You asked couple of questions in your reply and I wanted to clarify.
You asked if she works at all. The answer to this is no. She would argue that she does but it is so little. She is a creative type and pusues that side of herself - occaisonally selling something for but making hardly anything. She also likes to do practical work - making things - so sometimes she does something like that. She has had 3 or 4 jobs which took a day or two each in the last two years. In short her days are always totally free unless she goes to her studio (A rent free space she gets from a friend she knows. He has a workshop and allows her to use spare rooms. She has other ad hoc cash in hand work if someone offers. I pay for our accommodation and most of the food and all bills and travel / holidays.
She gets angry if I have ever suggested her getting a job to hep out. I showed her an advert for a part time job a couple of years ago for work which she would have been interested in but she attacked me so much that I never suggested it again.
You ask if the house would be on a 50/50 input from both of us. The answer is no. It would be all financially input from my salary & savings.
You wondered if we have been for counselling. I can say that I have done a lot of work on myself in this area. I took myself off for counselling for a year as my emotional state had become so very low. I asked her on a fair few occasions if she would accompany me to couples counselling, or even if she would just accompany me and listen to what I said in my consultation but she said that she doesn't need a shrink.
There are at 6 or guys she meets occasionally who I have aproblem with and a a few more that are ok and actually consider me as her partner.
My fear of going away for a few days and turning my phone off is that she will make me pay for it by doing it again herself. She has stayed over at an ex's place without telling me where she is but says that i should trust her and asks me if I think she would do anything? I of course have to say no for fear of another arguement. Then I can't ask anything else.
She gets angry if I ask her what she has been doing in the daytime and she will never text me to say she has other plans.
She says that it is my problem. That she has no intention of going off with any of these guys and that it is because I am jealous and possessive and abnormal. I have had this levelled at me everytime I have even slightly questioned her actions regarding an ex.
I think If I went to a solicitor to draw up a contract between us in lieu of meing married I don't thinkn she would go for it.
Thank you for your response.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 I think Country Woman has given you some excellent advice...
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (30 October 2009):
Personally I wouldn't go into marriage on this basis at all and I certainly wouldn't sign any paperwork on a new house until these issues have been dealt with.It seems to me that she is treating you with a certain level of standoffish behaviour for possibly fear of being hurt but if she can only react with anger and the mere mention of affection or love then she really does have some serious issues that need to be resolved. I certainly couldn't marry someone who turned round and said 'well we're getting a house together aren't we', where is the love in that. You are right it sounds more like convenience and having the paperwork in place and if anything goes wrong you both have rights over the share of the house, that sounds all wrong to me. You can have papers drawn up with a solicitor instead rather than saying let's get married. I personally don't see a lot of love in this relationship, I think you have more love for her than she has for you, sorry to say that but it sounds very much like how my old relationship was. I was the one giving 100% and my ex was giving about 30% and that just isn't right. I think you could both do with getting some couple counselling before ever considering to embark on anything else i.e. a house or marriage. I wouldn't trust that ex of hers and I would question her motives into getting you to marry her and get this house together, sounds to me like she could have a good replacement in the side lines. Sorry to be harsh but that is just my gut instinct in this from what you have said.If however, she says NO WAY to even contemplating counselling then you really do have your answer don't you as she is not prepared to put in any effort with you and I would also question whether anything has happened with this ex when she has gone back to his place on her own after knowing that you are not comfortable with her doing that. Does she work at all, as you said she meets up with these ex's during the week when you are at work? Also if you are going for this house is it based on a 50/50 input from both of you? I would tread very carefully right now. If you are in a relationship and you are walking on eggshells for fear of her exploding into some sort of rage, then it isn't right. If she walked off after a confrontation I would play her at her own game, turn off your mobile and go away for a few days and then at least you are not being predictable you. If you can't discuss the big issues in life then god help you. What would you do if you discussed having children? These are issues that someone who if she is a similar age to you should be able to cope with and not behaving like an adolescent who strops off and throws her dummy out of the pram as she can't get her own way. Don't play her game anymore. Stand up and be strong and independent from her as she sounds like she is walking all over you. You deserve someone so much better and your life could be so much happier. I used to be with someone who would erupt like that and he is now my ex. I must admit I am much happier as well, we had a child and I had to consider her happiness. Thank your lucky stars that is not your situation right now.Keep us posted eh!, stand up and be strong and believe in your own gut instinct, it isn't normally that far off honest. BFNCountry Woman
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reader, LyonHart  +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Yeah, this is definately a problem. What I think is, if she can't even say she loves you in impersonal messages she puts out, and in fact openly admits her lack of love for you, but wants to marry you, then, and I'm sorry to tell you this, but she probably just wants a place to crash and you as a friend. I normally say this to girls I meet who just went through a bad break up but I think it applies here too. She doesn't deserve you. You should let her down easy and move on, it'll be in both of your best interests. Hope things work out for you, and message me if it does.
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