A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:One of my incredibly close friends lives in (and is originally from) Germany. I met him while he was visiting the U.S., and even after he returned home--over a year ago--we remained very close friends. It's difficult to describe the nature of our relationship...we have both admitted mutual attraction, always make sex jokes and whatnot, but we don't seem to want to be foolish enough to say, "Hey, let's have a long-distance relationship!" seeing as it has been so very long since last we saw each other in person. On that note, he's coming to visit the States in a couple of months, and all though it's rather unpredictable as to what will happen between us, it is completely likely that we'll end up sort of "together," at least for the time he's here. Now, this is all well and good and whatnot, except for one thing--he smokes. For some, this is of course a non-issue. For me, it's a big deal. It's not that I am inherently, 100%, entirely AGAINST smokers. In fact, I have many friends who smoke...but the truth is, I do not want to actually DATE a smoker. Ever. (Until now, naturally.)Mind you, the boy is from Germany. In Europe in general I know smoking is a lot more common. (But I ALSO know that Europeans, too, know the dangers of smoking, and there are plenty who choose not to partake in the habit despite its firm root in their culture. Come on. It's not such a big deal, is it?) Needless to say, I want my friend to quit. Whether we are ever involved romantically or not, his health and well-being are exceedingly important factors in my life; I worry about him and I care about him. ESPECIALLY if we're doing to be dating, it would break my heart for him to continue this further into adulthood (we're both very young adults). So to clarify, I've definitely mentioned, when it comes up, that "smoking is so unhealthy" and that I'd never do it, etc. etc. I'm not nagging by any stretch, and the comments aren't supposed to be a blow to his ego (and trust me, he's cocky enough that they're likely not :P), but he deserves to know how I feel.So on to the meat of my question, finally! ...If and when I am eventually groveling on my knees for him to quit (lol), should I do it before we ever start dating or should I wait and (if we do start) do it then?If I do it before, it'd be less stressful on the relationship, I think. Also, if he did quit then I'd know it was because of my concern and not sex. However, maybe I shouldn't try to fix what's broken until things are (if ever) serious? Most, most, most importantly, how do I convince him...?(I also, PLEASE, don't want any answers about how "I'm not his mother" and "shouldn't be telling him what to do." That's old-fashioned, and guess what. You're right. I'm not his mother. I'm his friend and because of that this is important enough to me that not saying anything is not an option.)Thanks a million in advance...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Ok, I couldn't even read your entire post or the answer of the aunt before me, it was just too painful and a useless waste of time.
The way I see it is this:
The boy is from Germany and he smokes.
The boy is coming to visit you and you might (most likely)
have sexual intercourse (sorry, the current venacular is hooking up)
This does not a relationship make.
You probably will not "date" him as he lives in a different country.
The only time a habit like smoking would be a deal breaker would be if you actually were going to date someone and hope for a future with that person.
Seeing as how this doesn't seem likely, then why is his smoking an issue?
You must obviously hope this sexual encounter will lead to an actual relationship.
Is smoking or non smoking a deal breaker in relationships....Absolutely yes.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 August 2009):
You can try to convince all you want, it doesn't mean he will do it. When you choose to quit smoking, you have to do it for yourself, because YOU want to, not because someone else wants you to.
If him smoking is a deal breaker for you, then you definitely need to tell him before you start a romantic relationship with him. Let him know that you like him or whatever, but because you think smoking is unhealthy/bad habit (or whatever else you want to say) you can't date him on a romantic level.
The worst thing you can do is get into a relationship with him and give him an ultimatum of "it's smoking or me." You went into the relationship knowing he smoked so then that would be something that you would have to deal with. Because say if that occurred, he would still do it behind your back--which leads to you getting pissed off for lying and that just opens up a whole new can of worms.
And just a little insight, little hints of "smoking is unhealthy" and whatever else you tell a smoker is usually annoying to most, it does just the opposite of what you think it does. It doesn't con them into thinking "oh well I better quit." If anything it makes a smoker even more stubborn to quit. A smoker KNOWS that it's unhealthy, that it smells, and can increase your chances of cancer. I know, I smoke! So if someone tells me what I already know, I basically respond with some sarcasm and light up another one.
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