A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, and it doesn't seem like she is the same girl that I began dating so long ago. When I first met her, she had several friends, was funny, enjoyed hanging out with people and didn't necessarily have to be around me 24/7. Now, she doesn't hang out with friends, she's at home by herself doing nothing or with me. It seems like she is always unhappy or depressed, and it makes me so stressed out that I get headaches. Is she being needy? She has to have me or she isn't happy,her grades are slipping because she doesn't study much anymore, and even when she is with me she is unhappy about something I say or "tones" i use or what I'm doing. It's just like.... AHHHH! Give me a break honey. I've asked her to possibly try talking to some of her old friends, or even go out and meet new friends, but she absolutely refuses, saying she has too little time, Which I know this to be false because she is on facebook for 2 hours every day. So what was once an outgoing, independent girl with a lot of friends and fun, has turned into this needy, introverted, friendless girl. Someone please help. I want my girl back and my head not to hurt so much! I dont want to have to expect her to cry every single day. Please help. Thanks.
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male
reader, whiteelephant +, writes (13 October 2010):
I've got a friend who is in the same situation as you. His gf used to be really outgoing, doing stuff all the time talking to all people.
Now she doesn't, and he bitches to me constantly. Or he starts and I tell him to stop bitching about this so much lol. He basically says exactly what you say
Now what I see in their relationship is that he is the cause of this problem and this change. He's incredibly insecure. and controlling, which she likes, but he takes it to a point where she can't have other friends who are guys. He obsesses over it and freaks out. He will literally do ridiculous things to make sure she doesn't be friends or do anything with anybody he doesn't like or will make him insecure. Its really stressful and frustrating for her because she wants to be with him and please him but its just too hard.
its like he wants to be the center of her life, which he's become. and then he bitches about it and feels undeserving.
I'm his best friend and he wouldn't let me give his gf money lessons! Its like, how can you say you trust me? It seriously woulda helped me out because I plan on giving those lessons for a fee, and her too because theyre good lessons.
There's something called the self-serving bias. People will interpret events and situations completely in favor of themselves and paint their partners to be completely at fault. Really, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I've tried a couple times talking to him about the situation but he just completely shuts me out or talks my ear off and I never actually talk to him, he just talks at me. I've decided to ignore that whole area and stop talking about women with him (everybody irl for that matter) just be friends.
Now this guy is an awesome guy all around. Him & her are a great couple, they're meant to be together...they just met too early.
A
male
reader, morris_say  +, writes (13 October 2010):
Instead of pushing her to go out and do things on her own, start gently by going out with her and your friends/her friends/new friends. If she hasn't seen them for a long time then she might be nervous about initiating contact again.
Have you ever thought that perhaps they don't like her relationship with you and so they're the ones who don't want to see her?
People change over time. You say she's not the same girl, perhaps you're different now too.. just something to think about.
Encourage her to be honest with you, make her see she can trust you, so that you can both deal with this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): have you tried talking to her about this, letting her know you are genuine concerned for her happiness? paint the picture to her the way you painted it to us... maybe she's not even aware of this evolution in her in the past two years... see what she says... ask her what she thinks has changed in her? what she thinks might make her happier? does she even consciously feel that anything is wrong?
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A
female
reader, cheannryl  +, writes (12 October 2010):
 Hmm..why not plan a group date,anything with friends.a camping,riding bike.that way she'll recall her old self,how she was.
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A
female
reader, bella.. +, writes (12 October 2010):
 cnt say much, but i hope it helps. To be honest it doesnt seem like yor are completetly happy. The first thing i would recomend is to talk to her, tell her all the things your feeling. Also if you love her its gana be hart to do this, but you should ask her if she is willing to get profesional help so she could get better. if you do this and she doesnt want any help, i would reccomend thinking about this relationship that is not making you happy no more. Think about your own good. hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 October 2010):
 honestly she sounds depressed. you have a couple options. explain to her to go hang out with friends because you feel like she is overrelying on you and that while you're there to support her there's starting to be an imbalance of energy where she is relying on you and you alone to be the source of her happiness. explain she needs to find other sources IN ADDITION to you, so she feels assured that you're not trying to dump her on to someone else. try somehow to convince her to get counseling, maybe you could start as couples counseling, or maybe she doesn't seriously realize how sad or in a rut she is in, mention you don't remember the last time she smiled/ was happy was, or that you thought about it and realized that she cried once everyday this week and how that's not healthy, and how you're CONCERNED for her (so she doesn't feel like a sad freak). you could put it on you and say 'am I what's making you sad' and when she says no then try to explore it and volunteer to go to the counselor with her. lastly, you could try giving her a tough love talk although I think she'd feel alienated by it, but it would go something like you're being selfish, I can't be your counselor or cheerleader all the time I am a person too, I need you to be there for me too and you aren't because you're only there for yourself, if you can't stop feeling sorry for yourself, there is no room for me in this YOU-based relationship. It's pretty harsh but she might actually look outside herself and see a bigger picture. It is pretty risky though.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): Have you confronted her and asked her about what's been going on lately? Mention how she used to be and ask if something is wrong or if something has happened that's made her change. If you can get an actual answer as to what is wrong, then you can probably do something from there. For now, it just seems like she's upset/depressed and its for no reason, but there should be some tangible reason. If she honestly doesn't know what's wrong, she could be having emotional problems or is depressed and might need to see a counselor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): do u know her friends personally? Ask them if something is going on? Ask your girl to open up to u more, you say she's depressed and crying but u dont say y? There must b a reason! Ask her how she feels about your relationship and mayb make some fun plans together, try and include her friends and family if u can. Ur girl needs u now, so help her get over this by letting her no that your there to support her an that she can talk to u. I hope this helps!
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