A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have nearly opposite schedules at the moment and haven't had much time together. On Saturday she flipped out on me because I played a game with some friends while she napped.I was waiting for her to wake up so we could spend time, but instead of getting a good morning or anything from her, she apparently spied on me to see what I was up to and flipped out at me for playing an online game with friends considering we haven't gotten much time.I don't take her just coming at me very well, and I started to get frustrated. I ended up calling her crazy because I don't see how she has the right to get upset at what I do with my free time while she is NAPPING.She didn't explain until after the fight that it was a build up of us not getting time, not just that I "can make time for my friends but not her".As I said I did not take well to her just coming at me and I got frustrated. I went too far and started being a little mean and calling her insane. I feel like the fight should never have happened however.I never get time with my group of online friends because of her schedule. She gets off work around the time the group of people start coming online and if she isn't at work we should be spending time. I just thought I could play on the weekend (which I never get to do) while she napped, but apparently I'm completely wrong for it.I know I went too far with calling her insane repeatedly. I didn't understand her reasoning for coming at me and got angry because of it. She won't let it go now and is acting depressed and I feel like the bad guy.I bought her a new MMO that recently came out so we could spend time, but instead of that we ended up arguing again last night over this fight. I know I was wrong for getting so upset but I feel like the fight shouldn't have ever happened, and that whether we get no time or not she doesn't have the right to get upset at me for trying to play a game with friends while she NAPS.Any advice on how to fix this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): When a woman is complaining about neglect, you darn well better listen. They often come at you in a very emotional state; their logic is on hold at the time; because they are making their feelings known. You hit her in the face with an insult. Bad move. Very bad move. Your only defense was you wanted to play with your friends. Boo hoo!
Now stop and compare:
She is complaining that you're not spending enough time with your girlfriend. You feel you need more time with your friends online.
Which of the two complaints sound immature?
You called her "insane" for begging for more of your time and attention. Seriously, dude!?
She isn't interpreting your comeback to mean, "you need some "me-time" and just like to relax by sharing an online game with friends while she's napping."
(Guy's interpretation)
It registered in her mind as:
"You're not that important to me. I'm bored with you. and would rather play with my friends."
(Girlfriend's interpretation)
After bruising her feelings, anything you say or do feels as if you're just trying to pacify her to shut her up.
She feels like you're condescending to a "crazy insane" woman, and all she is to you is a pain the ass. I agree,
she is a bit petty. It's been building up, the pressure valve just flew off.
It apparently isn't possible to rearrange your work schedules (simplest solution); so there has to be a compromise.
Do not allow her to try to fix time-tables, she'll be greedy or selfish. That is a form of control. Part of the motive behind her discontent, is jealousy that you seem to have more fun with your friends. She'll never admit that.
Women don't understand the types of outlets we guys need.
Accept the one we have most in common. Sex!
You're supposed to read her mind, and she is angry; because you don't get it.
I read her mind, this is what it said:
"Why don't you seem to get as much enjoyment out of spending more time with her as you do playing that dumb-ass video game with your dumb-ass friends? Do I bore you? You can spend hours with them, and can't seem to get as much enjoyment when we're together."
That's the relevant stuff. The rest of the stuff is too personal.
So what does she like to do when spending time with you?
Do you take her out to dinner? A night out for dancing? Makeup any excuse to get out of the house "together."
Your weekends and shared time should include watching movies together, eating low carb snacks. Playing sex games, snuggling and kissing, giving each other massages.
Just having some fun conversation; and playfully teasing each other for a few laughs. Spooning with her, while she naps. If she gets irritated when you touch her while she sleeps, gently remind her of that if she complains about lack of affection.
That's what girlfriends usually need when they complain. She wants to see you smile when she walks in the room. You always seem absent or ignoring her.
You've been distanced; and your memories as a single guy are beckoning you. You've forgotten, you have boyfriend responsibilities. Not your fault. It has been a long-time sense you could play endless hours of video games. Your time always seems like "our" time. Then there's work, and she is always nagging about something.
Nagging starts when you're selfish and neglectful. When you forget there are two in your relationship; and you have to be constantly reminded.
Now in your defense. She is picking at your "me-time" activities. She is lonely and doesn't really know a creative way to spend her own time. She centers all her attention on taking care of you and nurturing your relationship. You provide most of her entertainment.
She needs her own circle of friends.
She's afraid to let you out of her sight. She has to deal with PMS, you don't. She's tense, and you don't try to help her to relax, but she complains so much; it's hard to be near her at times. I know. Bite the bullet.
You get too used to her not being around, and seem to enjoy it. You're tired after work. Gaming clears your head of your problems and you have to feed your competitive instincts. She just sits around lovey-dovey all over the place. That's why you have a girlfriend, my man.
You're a man now. You have a woman in your life. She's got your back, and she cares about you. She misses you.
Sit down together and work out a schedule for your game-time online. You will not devote every waking free moment coddling her like a spoiled child. You will use your vivid imagination to come up with ways to please your woman.
You'll notice how she purrs like a kitten when she's content. The sex will improve threefold.
When you fight, stay on topic. Listen and avoid name calling. Keep the mean shit in your brain. Don't get brain diarrhea, and let everything fall out of your mouth. Cry foul when she does.
Keep things balanced. Organizing your time requires logic; so this will require you "both" to use it. Ask her first, what she "thinks" is fair. Not "feels." They come from a different place. Then tell her what you "think" is a fair
compromise. Letting her tell you first relieves you of the responsibility of reading her mind. Logic lets her know, you are using reasoning; and not firing back at her, or being a condescending asshole.
Add all this complicated stuff to what the other aunts said and you've got it licked, bro.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (17 September 2013):
 "Any advice on how to fix this?"
I can help you understand it. What you are really trying to figure out is why she sacrificed nap time to spy on you. In your eyes it was free time because she was unavailable. You see time as set up for certain purposes. For example right after she gets home from work is together time. When you are at work it is work time. When you sleep it is sleep time. and when there are are no demands on you it is free time. Very in the boxes male thinking.
She on the other hand is not male. So we can't expect her to divide up time the same way we do. Here is how she sees it. Time you spend with her vs. time you spend with others. She is constantly comparing those two numbers. It doesn't matter that she was not available during nap time on Saturday you still spent that time with others so it goes on that side of the ledger. Don't get the idea that those two numbers should be equal. She may want a bigger or smaller percentage. What she is trying to tell you is that you are spending too much time with others and not enough with her. CMMP's compromise option approaches this. You trade time with her for time with others. It might work.
When I read your letter it looks like she is wanting almost all of your time. If that is the case she may be foolishly jealous. Notice I didn't say insanely jealous. She may be demanding something (99% of your non work, non sleep time) that will not make her happy. After all your hobbies and friends are part of what make you interesting. She may also find that your constant attention gets grating. We don't know that, she doesn't really know that yet.
The Advice: Try to see it the way she does. Look at the time you spend with her and compare it to the time you spend with others. Make sure she is getting a percentage that will make her happy. Schedule time together even if you have to miss some sleep. Consider it an investment in your relationship. When she is done with her nap, excuse yourself and turn off the game.
FA
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 September 2013):
There's no pill you can take or magic words that can fix this problem. There are three choices here; one that is a compromise, two that will leave the other party unhappy.
First, you could do whatever you want and makes you happy. You could play your game when you feel like it and when your girlfriend gets upset tell her that you'll spend time with her when you're done. If she freaks out again, tell her that if she doesn't like it there are plenty of guys out there who don't play video games. She has the right to either leave you or accept your choice.
Second, you could stop playing the game when she's around. Sacrifice your happiness for hers. But, this could be setting a bad precedent, where she expects this kind of sacrifice from you.
Third, you could pre schedule your gaming. Tell her ahead of time that on this day at this time you'll be playing online. Make plans with her for the rest of the time. Tell her this is the only compromise that is fair to the two of you.
Remember that being selfish is not always bad. If you don't take care of yourself nobody else will. You need to stand your ground, but realize that all choices have their consequences. You're free to be who you are and she's free to decide whether who you are is who she wants to be in a relationship with. She doesn't have the right to force you to be who she wants you to be, but she does have the right to say tell you what she expects of you and to dump you if you don't give her what she wants.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Forget the nap incident, it wasn't about the nap, it's that she doesn't get enough time with you. That was just the moment she happened to inappropriately explode.The biggest thing is that you also express and show how much you miss her and wish that you could spend more time together. The more affected you are by it and show it, the more she also feels loved and cared for. Obviously, do you best to spend time with her, but sounds like it's a conflicting schedules.This makes a big difference for me and my boyfriend. It drives me nuts that he is okay when our schedules conflict and we can't see each other. It makes me feel unloved when he just accepts it as a part of life. And, I know it's unfair to a certain degree that his understanding nature would bother me, but it does.
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A
female
reader, :)31215  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 No, she shouldn't be upset with you for playing while she is sleeping. Can you not play your game while she dowa something else? Me and my boyfriend are in the same room, but I'll be on the playtation and he'll be on his laptop or whatever. We dont need to be doing the same thing.Just be weary of her now blowing you off to spend time with her own friends!You should apologise to her for saying those cruel things to her, though. Try to talk to her and try to come to an agreement about this. You need to have time with your friends. Can she not hang out with her friends while you have an hour or 2 online? Ty to come to some sort of arrangement but don't let her walk over you. If you like the online stuff, let her know!I like that you got her an MMO. Is it the same one as you so you guys could play together?.
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