A
male
age
36-40,
*iceguy07
writes:I just recently ended a relationship with a girl that almost lasted nine months. this is by far my longest relationship and i just need some help on how to cope with it. i did not want to leave her, but she was not sure if she wanted to be with me anymore and i made the decision for her. it did not sound like she wanted to break up and when i told her it was over she did not take me seriously and i made it clear to her twice. i still love her so much but i wont tolerate that, one day she loves me to the extreme and the next she did not know, so i just need to know how i can move on from a person i still love. any help is greatly appreciated. thank you
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male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (31 August 2007):
niceguy07 is verified as being by the original poster of the question thsnk you duce00, your advise is greatly appreciated. well this has just all been a dramatic sequence of events that has led to us working things out. after talking it out, we came down to a mutual agreement. i give her the time she wants, but if am not there when shes ready then she cant say i did not try. my main concern was whether or not there was some curiosity on what else was out there, and she made it clear thats not the reason. and i believe her. so i will see where this goes, whether or not i find another girl is undecided, if one comes my way and she is still not ready i'll grab the rebound and move on. thank you again
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (30 August 2007):
 Hey niceguy07,
You made a bold yet difficult decision based on what you wont do in a relationship. Thats somthing to be proud of. Dont compromise what you will or wont do in a relationship. Thats the slippery slope to dependance. Im sure we have all been guilty of it at some point but you really should make sure you stand firm on the basic things you wont compromise on. You will have to grow and learn with her, thats just part of being together but dont waver on the things that are really important to you. It sounds like you have wisdom beyond your years, you will (eventually) be happy no matter what happens.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (29 August 2007):
 Thats a good start then, as long as you both know you need to work on what went wrong and not just brush it under the carpet. Otherwise you will be back to square one.
Keep us posted!
Keeping my fingers crossed!
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (29 August 2007):
niceguy07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionso we talked today. it felt so good to laugh and stuff with her. its clear that this is still too strong to end, and we couldnt keep from hugging each other. so we are working thru things slowly, and she says she has been a mess ever since. i still dont know where this will lead, but i made it clear that i wont be around too much longer especially if she is away from me.
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (28 August 2007):
niceguy07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni will suggest that idea of the list. it sounds like it can be brutal, but in the end it seems like the way to work things out. i know i am still in love and i know she still feels the same, when she called she was crying and i heard her throat thicken when she said it feels so weird not talking to me. i wanted to hug her at that specific moment. well i need to be honest with myself, i want this to workout. its not like i dont care. i do. and its my intention going to talk to her to make this workout. i started reading the book and it offers solid advice and its really helping already. i just hate the fact that if this goes sour the pain NORMALLY lasts months and months. and the whole thing about me meeting women, its not a good thing apparently as its just me just looking for new outlets for love. i dont know, but i will update when things are finally done. thank you so much for your interest and advice, its greatly appreciated.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 August 2007):
Hi
I wouldnt have a clue if she is possibly cheating, obviously you couldnt put all the details in here. But go have the one to one with her IF you think there is a possibility things could change. No relationship should end if you are in love and can work out the differences. The one relationship i came out of where i still loved them, there was no choice with, the problems we had could not be changed.
Go with your gut feeling when you speak. And make sure you find out why she blows hot n cold and state what you want to change. Thats your right and she can always say no. Some people find sitting down and writing a list of things that annoy you about the other person, then swap notes. But that is something you have to be VERY honest with, and it isnt an easy thing to do. But it can work.
Keep us posted.
C xxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (27 August 2007):
niceguy07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok so we both have class together and we ignored each other all day. we got in touch a few minutes ago and we both agree that we feel weird not talking to each other. i told her i want to have a one on one with her and talk this out. i cannot tell u how much i wanna be with her, but i wont unless she changes some things. it was weird, the day before she was all about o how much i love you and then even on the day we broke up hours before she sent me a text saying how much she loves me it makes her wanna cry. i am beyond confused . i picked up a book by Dr. John Gray, over at borders, i searched for starting again and i could not find it, but i managed to find a similiar book. should i suspect cheating at all? what do i do? should i just move on? should i follow what my heart says?
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 August 2007):
Its a nightmare isnt it! I remember it well and never thought i would come out the other side to be honest but you certainly do.
Good on you fighting the booze and drug deamons before, stay strong. Thats the last thing you need now.
It will be fine in due course. Try eBay for that book, thats where i got it from, less than 4 pounds i think.
C xxxxxx
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A
male
reader, niceguy07 +, writes (27 August 2007):
niceguy07 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for the advice, i will definately go pick up that book now. its the hardest thing ive had to do relationship wise, but i have had much harder life struggles, so i will try think of that as i get thru this. well i will just have meaningless sex with women who are interested in my situation. i dont want another relationship and not for a while. but if someone who seems like my other half then i would reconsider. but for now i am single and more than ready to mingle. thank the good Lord i have already had my struggles with alcohol and substance abuse, and won the battle, because in this situation i would have so quickly ran to that.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (27 August 2007):
Hi Niceguy,
Yes i would of done the same thing to be honest. Lifes too short to be waiting for someone to make their mind up. I would do it for them.
Ive been in that boat where you split from someone you still love and its flippin hard! But time really is a great healer. It took me quite a few months to stop missing him and i did even try dating someone else, but that wasnt going to work, everytime i had him in my house i was sitting there thinking this isnt my ex!
You know you have done the right thing but it doesnt mean you can just walk away no problems! If only it were that simple.
I think you just need to do the usual, get busy, get a social life, and get the book Starting again by relate. Its an amazing book.
I know it sucks right now, but i can assure you, it doesnt after a while. Hang on in there.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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