A
male
age
41-50,
*mc0417
writes:Hi, I met a great woman several weeks ago, and we seemed to have an instant connection. I have been separated for 7 months and waiting for the divorce to go through and she is also nearly completing her divorce. She text and called a few times each day and we had great conversations and went out a couple of times. Last week we had a great date, and she kept kissing me and asking me where I had been her whole life. Then, this week she said she wanted to take a step back and focus on her situation and that she was very taken back by me at the same time. What would you suggest I do? I don't want to get serious, but I don't know if I should just forget her or make some contact from time to time?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008):
As to the question asked by the poster: forget her or contact her?
The choice is yours. CONTACT HER, if she repsonds, it might be good to remain friends for now.
(You both have lots to deal with). Anyway, I think it will be wise to get your divorce fianlized before getting into a serius relationship with anybody.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Ah, and just for the sake of responding to questions, I think MammaMia is right. There's no waiting here.
I saw that "waiting" part in "waiting for her to re-focus", since she is "taken back by the poster". But, now that I read better, there is no indication that the woman wants this poster back. So, I agree: there's no "waiting" here. The poster needs to find someone else quickly. No waiting, mate.
Also, there is something that I don't understand, an inconsistency in the post. If the poster doesn't want anything serious, why contact her again? I guess that the definition of "not serious" would include "ONE" great date and that's it. He can have "un-serious" stuff with other women who also want "un-serious" stuff with him. Why contact this particular one? Is it me, or do I detect an inconsistency here?
You see, there's a benefit in dating seriously and meaning it when you go after someone. You don't get this kind of problems.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 October 2008):
All right :-). I'm not personally involved anyways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): The poster mentioned that he does not want to get serious. Maybe we should allow for him to decide or for them to decide if they want to remain friends.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 October 2008):
Just this note, to see things from the other side. Maybe the woman isn't sure about this guy. I understand that she needs to get to know him. She might ask for time to "focus". However, that doesn't mean that, in her adding and substracting, she won't find that the poster is not her better half. What should the poster do, then, since he doesn't know what will happen?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008):
What would you suggest I do? I don't want to get serious, but I don't know if I should just forget her or make some contact from time to time?
If I am not mistaken the question is not about waiting for this person, but as to if the poster should contact the lady from time to time. To which my suggestion is YES.
To wait for her, that was not the question and I am not replying to that.I don't understand where the "waiting' cames from.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 October 2008):
Sorry. To remain friends CAN do harm. It will do harm to the poster, who might wait in vain for who knows how long a time. Honest question: What if she doesn't make her mind up? Will the poster wait until she does, if she does, that is? Why do you think he came here asking for help?
I notice she's divorcing, too. I suppose this means she doesn't have any second thoughts about leaving her husband? Or that she won't have any rebound relationships?
Will the poster contact her in a week, and then the week after, and so on, just to get an "I'm not ready yet"?
I understand your point of view, girls, but you need to see who's asking the question. The poster is. We need to worry about what happens to HIM.
Also, I believe that, if a woman comes your way, she needs to have her mind made up. We're not playing games here. If the divorcing lady were the one to ask the question, and the poster were the one asking for time to "focus", I would give her the same advice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Unless she asked you to stop having contact, I also think you should stay in touch with her. If you now suddenly back off completely she might get the wrong impression of you. To remain friends can do no harm.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Dear Poster
I understand what Danielepew is saying and I did not intend that you should contact her too often or come over as pushy, but I do not believe a text message or a call just saying "hi how are you" (very casual conversation) will give that impression; but I do believe if you enjoyed her company and want to remain friends it will be good to STAY IN TOUCH; by doing that you are not pushy and it does not mean that you should not go out with other girls; you are not in a relationship with this girl so there is no need why you should sit back and wait for her; (but that was not your question)If you contact her and she is not responding obviously you will stop contact;
Good luck and always keep SMILING.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (21 October 2008):
I beg to differ with Smiles.
Give her space, and DON'T get in touch if she doesn't initiate it. Whatever her reason, you don't want to appear pushy or impatient.
Also, you don't want her to think she has you at her beck and call. You're a free man. You don't know whether she will come back. If someone interesting comes your way, go for her. If the other woman needed time to think, well, she'd better not think for too long.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): Dear Poster
I can understand that this can be confusing, but I think you should stay in touch; I think she probably just realized that things were going fast and she might not want to get to involved emotionally yet; I don't think it is a matter of her not wanting anything to do with you; I think it is more a situation of keeping a little more distance because she might be scared that she might get to "hooked" on you;
I think you should contact her and yes stay n touch, but it is maybe a good thing that you cool the amount of daily contact as neither of you seem ready for a commitment yet and yes, be careful for a relationship on the rebound.
Good luck; Contact her and keep me posted.
Oh, and remember: Always keep SMILING.
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