A
male
age
51-59,
*uy619
writes:She has asked me to marry her even though she hs told me she doesn't love me and that she is not 100% with me. What should I do now?A month ago I read my partner's notes (they were left laying around when I went to her place at her request to check on things as she was away) saying she doesn't love me and finds me irritating most of the time. They say also that she feels already that she is in an unhappy marriage - that she would like to be able to say to herself that she is not interested or looking at any other guys but unfortunately she is looking at 'lots of others' and also 'thinking maybe..' She says that she is 'desperate to break away' I have not been able to approach her with this.We have been together for a few years and known each other closely for 9 years. Yesterday, however, after I have spent the last month preparing for her telling me she doesn't want me any more, she asked me to marry her and presented me with a ring. She even presented me with papers to sign. I am very confused and upset by this - at the saem time I have hope that she has just realised her love for me exists. Either she has had a complete change of mind and has fallen in love with me or she just wants to marry me to have a child (she is 40 and has been in tears when talking about how much time she has wasted and the fact that she has not had children. She also wants me to buy a larger place for us to live in with space for and land. I work full time but find things a struggle even though I earn a reasonable wage. She doesn't work often and when she does it's an odd day her and there for pocket money.I would be grateful of your thoughts and any responses I receive Will be welcome.Emotionally I am at a low eb as I had been preparing myself to lose her as our physical relationship is non existant and she doesn't want to kiss me any more.I have been banned from telling her I love her as she feels that 'love' doesn't exist. I have felt quite emotionally controlled for at leaast the last couple of years while I have tried to keep things going and make all the compromises. thank you for your help.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 She sounds like she has psychological problems, and as if she wants you to be a sperm donor and a lifestyle provider. I'd be telling her where to stick her ring and then running away as fast as I could. Best of luck :)
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 Anyways, there is a line from "Sleepless in Seattle" that goes something like this.
"Marriage is hard enough to go into it with such low expectations. I don't want to be someone who ANYONE settles for."
I thought it might be relevant.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (28 September 2009):
 I'd reject her offer. Not just from what you found but her ideas that, no kisses, saying you love her etc.
Did you know "love" is the only so called emotion where the word "in" works preceding the word "love." That's because love isn't an emotion, it's a choice, something you do, which the choice may be based on other emotions, but in and of its self is not one. So, as long as choices are possible, love is equally possible.
What did you tell her? I'd recommend that you two have a serious talk before anything further "marriage" takes place. You need to know her decision is based on the right reasons. That this is for the long haul, and that you, "feeling of control etc" is entering into for the right reasons as well. Knowing that you would be is not enough, if your feelings set forth doubt of whether or not she is.
If you decide to, I can't stress enough how important it will be for you two to take advantage of a pre-marital counseling program. In this situation where feelings are conflicted, I really can't stress that importance enough.
I hope this helps. Take care, and I hope all works out for you.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (28 September 2009):
Its right there in black and white. She is wanting you for security purposes, not love (not even close.) Be fortunate you found the letters because they are identical to her behaviour towards you. You are setting yourself up for years of torment if you marry her. Expose her and do not listen to the bull shit that she may try to lay on you. The evidence is way too obvious.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (28 September 2009):
 I don't think you should marry her.
1. She doesn't love you.
2. She wrote in her notes how unhappy she was with you and thinking of others.
3. She wants something that you can't afford and will probably cause you to go into dept.
4. Your physical relationship doesn't exist.
5. You think she wants you just so she can have children.
You are in a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship with her and to marry will only cause more unhappiness and problems.
I think you should leave her and move on. Find someone who loves you.
Good Luck!
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